It's been a while....

Wow! I was just looking at the date stamp on the last post I did here and it's been a while...I've been so busy lately I haven't had a lot of time to slow down. I think yesterday (a bit of the day) and this morning, is (or is it are???) the first...oh crap I can't figure out how to word what I want to say. Which is actually sad, because I work for my school's newspaper. But there are times not everyone can figure out how to put what they want to say into words. But anyhow. I'm at least able to slow down for a little bit today (or at least until the library opens). I can't believe finals are in just two weeks. Oi! Where has the time gone??? I've been up here for about six months and it feels like WAY less than that. It's amazing how fast time flies by when life's got you so busy you can't really stop or slow down enough to really enjoy much of it. It's actually sad. We've been up here all this time and haven't left the area...we've not been able to really go out and do much of anything as a family. Heck we've only been able to go to the park a few times, because I get so swamped with one thing or another...it's still kinda' weird for me...being back in school. You'd figure by now I'd of adjusted to it...but of course not. Thankfully this quarter I finally got my adviser changed to someone in the Psych Dept that way I've got someone who actually knows what they're doing. When I switched...he actually asked me why I was taking the two Psych classes I am, being a freshman (especially being in only my second quarter). When I explained to him that my other adviser suggested them...the look on his face pretty much said it all. But, I'm (for the most part) working my butt off just to make sure that I pass both of them...I know already that I'm going to pass my English class, because I asked my teacher if I pass the "take home part" but "bomb" the in class part will I still pass? Apparently I have a high enough grade that it would land me with at the least part a low "B" or a high "C." Needless to say...this quarter for that class I pretty much failed every test, but nailed every writing assignment. Go figure?!?!? I can write, but can't remember squat when it comes to tests. I try to tell my teachers...have me write a paper on a person or subject pertaining to that class, vs memorizing stuff for a test and I'll nail the paper but I'm not good at memorizing stuff. I guess I've never been good at memorizing things that I didn't think that in the "long run" I would need to know. I guess it's just a weird habit I picked up in high school.


Anyhow, I'm just better at writing. It's always been my strong point...though I'm now learning a new form, one I haven't done in YEARS (and it's different than the way I was taught)...research papers. ICK! Thankfully; due to medication issues that I was having, before I chose to take myself off everything, my professor gave me a slight extension on my research paper...so it's actually a good thing because I've not been feeling good for the last few days. Now that I'm feeling a bit better, I get to spend my day at the library playing catchup on stuff for my finals...well, I guess at least I'm feeling well enough to do that and smart enough to know that if I start not feeling good to head back home. I just hope that I'm able to get most of the stuff done that I go there with the intention of doing done. I know what order I'm going to work on things, which is a plus...I guess that's a good place to start...and some of the work I know approximately how long it should take me. I think out of all the stuff I want to get done the only two things I might not (won't) completely finish is the stuff for my two psych classes. I'm going to try to get as much as I can done for both of them...but one of them is 67 questions from and obviously senile old man...though I do believe as crazy as he is, he's my favorite professor this quarter. I think that the priceless part is the fact that he's my also my adviser...hey what can I say? I get along better with people I find to be a little quirky...look at my "brother" :) He's a bit quirky and we get along. I am not afraid to say that I'm a bit on the weird side myself.


I know that being off of my medication things are going to get to be back on the rough side, thankfully I was able to explain it to RJ and Bug and they're already understanding and aware (again) of what to expect. Something I did think of though over the past, not quite even 24 hours, I'm going to have to learn to trust my psychiatrist really fast if I'm going to get put on the correct medication. It's something that I went through when I lived in FL. I had to put my trust in my psychiatrist, at the time, within 2-3 visits, because I had to trust that she knew what she was doing and that she wasn't going to "screw up" with medicating me. Now that I'm in college studying to be a psychologist I know that he knows what he's doing, now I just have to figure out how to trust him. I think that my biggest issue is the fact that my psychiatrist is male and that I've been hurt (physically) so many times by men. But, medication wise I have to trust him otherwise I won't get on the "correct" medication. Talking to my "brother" last night is what got me thinking. Love him so much and every time I talk to him, he manages to make me think about either what I did or something. Yesterday when I spoke with him, he mentioned the possibility of me getting "need" vs "want" mixed up when I chose to go off of all my medication, except one...the damnedest thing is...I think he might be right. At this point, there's no way to tell...I'll admit though, I have a tendency to not think things all the way through (I here it now my "brother" going, "DUH!"). I think I'm going to make that one of my goals from now on; slow down, stop, and think about what I'm doing before I do it (all else fails, ask someone more knowledgeable then me beforehand). At least until my medication is properly adjusted. That and no more taking myself off of medication before consulting my doctor or psychiatrist. Charcoal pills suck!!!

But anyways, I think I've covered most everything "important" that has happened since I last posted...key word "think"

"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say!!
(though I'm still working on believing either of these...it's worth trying)

Why Even?

I don't even know why I even show up to this stupid class...maybe it's just to get my name on the attendance the sheet, who knows. But it's not like the teacher pays a lick of attention to me. He quit paying attention to me when I started having medication issues mid-quarter...when it became apparent I wasn't going to pass the class. It was as though he just gave up on me. Now he just lets me sit in the back of the class and do whatever I want to do and doesn't even care. We have a test coming up next week, which I at least have to take, and he's yet to at least make an attempt to go over any of the information that's going to be on the test with me. I've quit doing any of the online information, because he won't explain any of it to me. I've sent so many emails on the same problem that I quit trying. I'm now stuck having to pay another $1,000 next quarter to take this class, yet again. Yeah, I know it's slightly medication related...but I've watched him spend extra time with one single student and ignore other students as well...so it's not just me. I know that he's just one teacher and most of this is online based but for crying out loud...don't spend all your time on just one student...if there's a few students that need extra help and they're in about the same section, group them together and explain it to them all at one time not just one person at a time...spending 20 minutes on one person (unless it's after class time). I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, because I've heard other students grumble about this after class. I know one student that is going to have to take this next quarter that made the same comment to egbert (we have the same adviser). Next quarter is going to be interesting...hopefully they've got my meds fixed.

....I don't understand....

I don't understand...he wants me to be happy. But, I think that it's just that he wants me to be happy with JUST him and no one else. I was suggested by someone, I don't remember who, to try a dating service...that way I could find someone to at least go out with and have fun with. Someone like myself, besides RJ. Because I'm ALWAYS stuck with him. Lately it feels like I have to ask him if I can go do anything. He's suffocating me. I'm getting tired of it. I don't know what to do. He bought me an I-Pod (he said to replace the one that I lost last quarter and because music helps me focus) and then yesterday he got me an i-tunes card so that I can down load music...it feels like he's trying to buy my happiness...just to keep me with him. I don't know what to think at this point. Then when I asked him about him about the dating service, just so I can find someone to hang out with...he about blew up and said "NO!" I don't get it...I have no friends here....I'm all alone. I guess that's the way he wants me to stay.