Never Enough Time

What little time I get with my daughter never seems like enough...when I have her, time always seems to fly by. It always breaks my heart to have to bring her back to my ex...I just want her to stay with me, just one more day, one more moment, one more memory. It's never enough. I love her to death. Life is SO unfair. I did everything over the almost two years of waiting to have everything finalized to show that I am more fit than my ex...yet the asshole ended up with custody. At first my ex tried using the fact that I'm transgender and going through the steps of having my gender changed, thankfully the judge did not accept that as a valid reason for me being considered "unfit"...then he pull the "mentally unstable" card and the judge believed his bullshit. I should have never had my therapist write a letter at all, that way my ex had no proof of me being in counseling, on medication or my diagnosis. I need my daughter...I need more time with her. She needs me in her life as well...she needs to live with me and not in the ghetto that she is currently living in. The apartment complex that she is living in is a dump - I (thanks to my brother's help) dropped her off at my ex's apartment and we (my brother and I) had to hold our breath when we walked by the laundry room area going back to the car...it stunk that bad. OMG...if the laundry room, where everyone in the complex does their laundry stinks that bad - what does that say about the apartments? Yiesh! At least with me, she would be in a safe environment where she can safely go out and play and not have to worry about anything.

It's never enough time with her...just one more day, one more moment, one more memory - is that too much to ask?

Free to be myself??? Really?

This is something that I have struggled with for years...the ability to REALLY be myself. There are still times that I can't be true to myself. The small things that people take for granted each and every day tend to be an on going struggle for me - for instance, going to the bathroom...I've become accustom to going to whatever gender neutral bathroom (or single bathroom) I can find, especially here on campus; however, there is not always one available for me to utilize. What then??? Well, I (if it's empty) use the men's restroom and if someone enters the bathroom while I'm in there I will either try to slip out without them noticing or wait until they leave and then leave as quick as I can...though a lot of the time I find myself holding it. I think the longest, this quarter, I've had to hold it was two class periods (about two hours). I know that I shouldn't have to do that, but I'm still scared of repercussions of using the bathroom for which I gender identify as. As much as I really enjoy going to school here, I'm not sure how much more I can handle it. I still get rude comments from some of the other students here, yet if I'm back at the point to where I feel like if I tell anyone they're not going to believe me...so I go without saying anything anymore. I can't remember what they look like, so it's not like I can report them...I could remember their voice if I heard it again, but their face - I'm not sure. It's like I got called an "it" last week by another student...now, normally I would be able to "shake it off" and not have it bother me, but I was already in a low point - emotionally. I hate feeling like this, especially when Bug is here...I was hoping to get past this. Lately, little things seem to be setting me off...and then when I get asked if everything is okay, I want to answer "no"...but the only thing I can seem to give is that things are fine or okay. The main reason that I'm not saying that, "no things are not okay" is because I'm not sure exactly what is wrong. So, it would be pointless for me to say that things are not okay, because I would not be able to say why things are not okay. There are even times around my brother and his family where I'm not 100% comfortable with being myself...I wore a tank top once, and only once, and could tell that my brother was not completely comfortable with it...hence the "only once". If I am wearing just a tank top, it's only in my room...my room seems to be the only place I can TRUELY be myself, everywhere else is more of a "neutral zone". I know that because my brother and his family knew me before I started to transition, things are still a bit rough...especially since I've had my top surgery. I also know that they love and accept me for who I am and what not...hell maybe it's  my emotions being "out of whack". Who the hell knows anymore. All I do know is that I can't REALLY be myself all of the time, not like I would like to. That and, since my transition, there are a lot of people who I kind of looked up to and though were friends who now treat me like a lesser person... it makes life rough, because I don't know who is really my friend and who is just a "sometimes friend". It's kind of like the Tuesday LGBTQ meetings that I used to go to, I quit going because it was more like an LG(sometimes)B meeting...freaking forget the TQ. Being the most, obviously, different one there...I was left to feel like the odd ball out. It wasn't like they missed me when I wasn't there anyhow...I would get asked if I knew why other people hadn't shown up, but never once why I hadn't shown up. Hell, if I noticed someone wasn't there...next time I saw them I would ask them if they were okay and make some sort of comment asking how come I hadn't seen them...but that's just me. I try to show concern for those around me. Even during the Tuesday meetings I couldn't really be me, I tried it once (only once) and I got ignored for the rest of the meeting, anything I tried to say to be involved in the conversation got ignored. Most situations, I try not to talk much anymore...what I have to say doesn't seem to matter much anyhow.

All I want is to be accepted for who I am by people around me....

Frustrated...

So this week has been just one thing after another with my ex. First we had agreed to have Bug dropped off at our, court ordered, meet up place early so that no one is stuck driving in the dark...we both agreed to that - that was some time around Tuesday. Then last night I get a call saying that our agreed upon plan is going to be a no go...then I get a call this morning that the meet up point is going to have to change due to "weather conditions". The changed meet up would have added an hour to my drive time, I had planned on getting a rental car...then I called the rental car place to check to see what the total for the rental car is going to be, because the insurance I am on doesn't cover rental cars I would have to get insurance through the car rental company, which is ridiculously ridiculously expensive. I'm just so stressed that my stomach is not liking me...I've already gotten sick once.

 ***UPDATE***

Thanks to my brother and his wife, I was able to make it to pick up Bug at the meet up point. Though my ex was a jerk during the pick up...I have her for the long weekend :) Yay! I'm just hoping to be able to keep my mood in check. What didn't terribly surprise me was the number of people that were with him (there was him, the driver and two other people)...kind of ridiculous. As if I'm going to start a scene or do anything stupid in a public location. I just look at it as my ex not being the brightest color in the box. I wish I would have realized how destructive my ex was being towards my mental health sooner. Ever since us separating, except for the stress of not having my daughter, I've been quite a bit less stressed and able to be myself without ridicule from anyone that I live with. My brother, his wife and kids are all cool with me being transgender and they love and accept me for who I really am no matter what. It's great having people around me who really care about me...it's something that I have not experienced for the eleven and a half (or so) years that my ex and I were together...hell I also did not experience it most of my teen years, when I "came out". Now, my family - adopted and some of my biological - are pretty accepting of me. My life has become a bit easier because of this. I still have times where my moods are a bit "out of whack", but that's the joy of having the mental health issues that I do. I'm finally comfortable with being myself, though I do still have some issues with public restrooms...especially when Bug is here. When she's here, I will often hold it until we get back to the house....if we're at the movies, I'll go while she's either playing video games or in watching the movie. She knows I'm transgender, but I'm not sure how much she understands that it entails. I wish there was a way for her to better understand.

...all in time.

Weakness Becomes Me

One thing about my life that I hate the most is my mental health "issues". It is something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life...hell, I have had to deal with it my entire life, most of the time without being medicated. Now, I am medicated and still have my bouts of depression where I do not feel anything - I'm numb to most emotion, and when I do have moments of actually being able to have and show emotion, it's intense emotion (usually anger). I hate being angry...when I get angry I feel weak because often I do not know how to control my anger. When I sense it coming on, I usually try to hold it in so that I do not accidentally take it out on someone. Everything has building up so much lately, I do not know what to do...the one thing I did not want to do, I did. I needed some way of, I guess, having control over everything going on. I needed to know that I could still feel something other than anger. I needed a release. I wish I could say that it 100% helped, then my life would be easier. Now I feel anger, pain, shame, and frustration...I wish I could just shake this. Fuck...I need to by Friday, either that or bury everything deep down for the few days that I have Bug for. I do not get her nearly as much as I would like to, but I try to make what time I do have with her memorable (in a positive way). I haven not been at this point of being emotionally stuck in a very long time. What sucks the most is, the counselor that I see is taking time off and will not be back for about another month, and by the time they could get me in to see someone else she will likely be back. So, essentially, I am stuck with no one to really talk to. Yeah, I have my brother...but he has enough to deal with - I feel like I am a bother to him when I do ask to talk to him. I know that I have terrible timing, I always have...so I have gotten to the point here where I just keep most things to myself. I will ask his opinion on some stuff, but beyond that - I try to not talk to much about how I am really feeling. If asked, I give the simplest answer I can without getting too much into what is really going on. I love my brother and his family to death...they just have their own things that they have to deal with, I do not want to be a bother to them. I already feel like I am. I am learning to accept that I am weak and there really is not much I can do about it.

Which one of these is not like the other...

I remember when my daughter was little her playing this game with one of her therapists (I think it was the speech therapist), "which one of these is not like the other?" And the whole point of it was to figure out how one object/thing was not like the rest. I have discovered that as people we often tend to "play" that game with each other, and those who are not like everyone else...well they just get treated differently, like they are a lesser person. The weird thing is, it's not JUST the heterosexual community that does it...the gay community is just as guilty. Being part of the LGBT community, I often get treated as though I'm a lesser part of that community...why? All because I'm bisexual and transgender. I have noticed for many years that the LGBT community tends to treat bisexuals differently, because "they can't make up their minds"...and then me being transgender - OMG!!! I thought the stigma behind being bisexual was bad...but shit! The people that I thought would be the most accepting, they're some of the LEAST accepting. I'm tired of it...I'm tired of being treated like "the odd ball out". I'm tired of having to dumb things down just to ensure that people around me understand what I'm talking about. I've been dumbing things down for so freaking long that my vocabulary has been effected by it. I want to rebuild my vocabulary...words, unlike riding a bike, are something that if you don't use them you forget them and their meanings. Last time I had an IQ test done on me my IQ score was in the 120 range. I'm not the idiot that some may think I am or that I may be perceived as. I would just rather not come across as one of those people who flaunt their intelligence. I think one of my problems with my classes is the fact that I get bored really easily. Next quarter I'm going to take two classes that are "serious" classes and the rest of my classes I might take classes that I want to take (fun classes). One of the classes that I'm looking at taking is a pottery class. I love being able to do things with my hands (no double entendre intended) and so I want to take a class where I get the chance to work with my hands and enjoy what I'm doing...this is not to say that I don't enjoy my psychology classes, because those are classes that I really enjoy being able to take. I am just at a point with my psychology classes where I can not take anymore until I pass the required math course.

I SO can not wait until the end of this year...I will hopefully get accepted into the school I am applying to and be able to save up the money to move and put money down for my tuition, then I'm getting the hell out of here and going where no one knew me before my transitioning. I'll miss the friends who I have become close to and I'll miss the family that I have out here...but I need a semi-fresh start. I need to be some place where people are more accepting. I just figure that if I'm meant to go there, then things will work out...if I'm not meant to be there and G-d wants me to stay here, then I will be fine with that as well. But there is only so much that one person can do on a conservative campus to try to make a difference. I know that I have made an impact on this campus, because people are not as bad (not everyone though) as they were when I first started going here. People are more aware that no matter the sexual orientation or gender identity of a person, that we are all people and that we all deserve to be treated equally. I think the most important impact that I have made on this campus is the need for equality. I just hope that even after I leave this campus, whenever that may be, that the impact that I have made continues...

Yet another day...

I'm trying to be better at writing at least once a week...I used to write almost every day, but that was before I started back in school. Now it's like I have no life outside of work and school. *sigh* I wish I had more time for my friends, family, and stuff that I'd like to do...
oh well...

Today just started off crappy and pretty much went down hill from there. I woke up earlier than I wanted to and couldn't fall back to sleep. Then when I went to the coffee shop that is university owned and student run, there (literally) wasn't anyone there working, turned out that the person who was supposed to be there had to leave early and didn't make sure that someone would be there to cover for her. LAME!!! I waited 15 minutes before I was finally able to get my freaking coffee, and then I made it to class only to discover that it was made wrong. *sigh* I ended up going back after class and getting another cup of coffee because today was the one day (this quarter) that the psychology club was doing free drink at the coffee shop. The caffeine helped make the day a little more tolerable. The one thing that sucks right now is my therapist is taking some time off and so I won't see her again until mid-March...I have no one I can really talk to. I did finally get my medication filled for my ADD...only took (almost) the entire month! I'm not sure if it's because of insurance or my doctor. Who knows? All I know is that I can't smoke pot anymore, or else he won't prescribe me the medication. It sucks! I have to quit the one thing that helps stabilize my moods so that I can get the medication that helps with my ADD. Too bad the pot can't help with that as well. *sigh* Eh...

One good thing that happened, when I went to Wal-Mart I found this super cute stuffed monkey and then I found a box of Valentine's cookies and the box is shaped like a monkey's head, so I got those for Ali...because she is my little monkey. I'm debating on holding on to them and giving them to her for Valentine's Day or sending them to her for a "just because" gift. I know that she'll love it no matter when she gets 'em.

School has been a whole other ball of stress...I'm not sure I'm going to stay here at WWU after this year. I'm looking at switching schools at the end of the year, partly to be closer to Ali and partly because no matter how hard I may try, I just don't fit in on this campus - I'm still "the odd ball out". Yeah, I have my small group of friends that I enjoy hanging out with...when we all have the time. I would invite them over for lunch or something on a weekend, but I doubt they would have the time - that and with as crowded as we all are here, adding more people would just raise my anxiety level through the roof. I'm thinking when it warms up during spring quarter, we can all plan a park day and do a "potluck" picnic. I dunno'? We tried it last year and hardly anyone showed up.

I need a vacation...I need to get a better paying job, so that I can afford to go on vacation...

I hate being me sometimes. It sucks!

*Whew*

Wow it's been a while since I've updated my blog...so much has been going on these past several months. I've been to court over my divorce more times than I care to have had to spend the money to travel, I've been on testosterone (HRT) for just over a year, I had my top surgery done just over a month ago, my divorce became finalized earlier this month, and the new parenting plan was written by the judge and received by both of us a week or two ago. Oh, and being stressed beyond belief (almost beyond the point of me being able to handle). It's funny, I got my mental health first aid certification this past week, and I don't know how to help myself work through what I'm feeling. Everything has gotten to the point of me having constant severe headaches/migraines, feeling sick, not being able to keep much food down...just out right feeling like crap. I've had to force myself to not stay in my bedroom and being around my roommates. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my roommates...they're family to me. Just being around people right now is difficult. I'm trying not to show it, because then people get worried about me - that's the last thing I want is people worrying about me. Other than that, I am just over one month post-op (top surgery) and feeling pretty good...I still have moments where I'm soar (like when I shiver, I get this sharp pain in my chest). Over all though, I think I'm healing rather well. I know that, even though my brother looks at me as being male...because he knew me before the surgery and HRT, that it's still a little weird for him to see me in a tank top (no compression shirt)...and I doubt I would ever walk around here topless, heck or in a tank top (ever again). I don't want things to be awkward between us and I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me. I'm working on getting the gender marker changed on my driver's license before the start of summer, especially if I end up switching schools - which at this point, I'm not sure if it'll happen or not - doubtful. The only reason that I'm doubtful it'll happen at this point is the factor of me having to move, not being able to go visit the school, and just the fact that I'm not sure my finances will allow it. But we'll see what happens. I may apply for the school I'm looking at without going to visit...probably not the smartest move, but at this point...if it gets me away from here. I'm sick of being here, I love my family, I enjoy what friends I have here; I'm tired of feeling like "the odd ball out". I've been questioning why I freaking chose this school quite a bit lately...why an Adventist school? Why did I choose a school that likely would not be LGBT friendly? I think part of my reasoning for wanting to switch schools, other than my need to be closer to Ali and needing to go to a school that is cheeper, I need to be in an environment that is more accepting. I know that no matter where I go there will be ignorance and people who are narrow minded, but to be on a campus where it feels like majority of the student body is narrow minded and judgmental is not a healthy environment for me. I need to feel like I'm in a safe environment.

I don't feel safe here most of the time...

As if...

Lately it seems like no one gives a damn if I'm here and alive or not...just as long as I make it to work and do what's expected of me or make it to my appointment (s) on time...even then all of that is seeming to become pointless as well. I don't know if any of this is worth it anymore. Who knows? Hell, who gives a damn? I'm not sure I do anymore...what do I have left? RJ took the one thing, person, that means the world to me... <br><br> I guess you could say, I quit caring...

Eh

Well...it's been just over a month since I last posted anything, things have been really crazy (to put it lightly)...it's almost the end of the year and I am SO happy. Even though I am behind on class work, I can't wait until the year is over. I'm contemplating on taking some summer courses, but with having Ali for half of the summer and (possibly) working fulltime, I'm not sure that is going to be a good idea. We'll see what happens. Other than that...life has been...weird. My moods are more unpredictable, again, my shrink won't listen to me and the VA is driving me nuts with all the hoops I am having to jump through. It is like being in the military all over again...hurry up and wait. Annoying, but tollerable. However, my ex is (as usual) being an ass. I can't wait for this bull shit to be over with as well...what stress I am having to deal with is mostly due to this stupid divorce, though I'm not letting it get to me...if I do it will just make me feel more like crap.I had an interview today for a potential decent paying job for the summer today...I'm optomistic on how it went and if I will get the job or not...we shall see. Things have just been crap...it seems like the harder I try on something the worse it gets....it is almost like everything is caving in on me. I hate this feeling.
;"'

Stress

Well, this week has been interesting...the new quarter started in Monday, then on Tuesday night I get a call from RJ offering for me to get Ali in Wednesday through tomorrow. Even though I know that his "kindness" has some sort of motive behind it, but I took advantage of the offer. I'm thankful for my niece, she watched Ali while I was in class for me..but currently I'm having to figure out how I'm going to come up with the money for my airline ticket to go to the court hearing next month. I was going to borrow Ali's birthday and allowance money to help pay for it, but I have a hard time doing that...that and she decided to get a pet snake with her money. I'm not 100% fond of the idea of the pet snake, but through exposure I will get over my fear of snakes. I've already managed to hold it once, though I dropped it when it looked at me. I know it's silly...but I'm afraid of it biting me.
Right now, I'm worried about not being able to purchase the airline ticket, and then not having a shot in the dark of being able to get custody of Ali. I keep getting told to "leave it up to God and to trust that he will provide"...it's hard to trust that it'll all work out when child support is taking just over half my paycheck each week. Shit like that makes "living" difficult. I love my daughter, I know she wants to live out here, but if I don't get the airline ticket...it's not going to be possible. Then there is proving his allegations wrong. I'm at the point of trying to figure out what in the world I did wrong to cause him to leave. I did still care about him...

I seem to have this habit of either push people away or they just leave. In the end...I'll always be alone.