This is something that I have struggled with for years...the ability to REALLY be myself. There are still times that I can't be true to myself. The small things that people take for granted each and every day tend to be an on going struggle for me - for instance, going to the bathroom...I've become accustom to going to whatever gender neutral bathroom (or single bathroom) I can find, especially here on campus; however, there is not always one available for me to utilize. What then??? Well, I (if it's empty) use the men's restroom and if someone enters the bathroom while I'm in there I will either try to slip out without them noticing or wait until they leave and then leave as quick as I can...though a lot of the time I find myself holding it. I think the longest, this quarter, I've had to hold it was two class periods (about two hours). I know that I shouldn't have to do that, but I'm still scared of repercussions of using the bathroom for which I gender identify as. As much as I really enjoy going to school here, I'm not sure how much more I can handle it. I still get rude comments from some of the other students here, yet if I'm back at the point to where I feel like if I tell anyone they're not going to believe me...so I go without saying anything anymore. I can't remember what they look like, so it's not like I can report them...I could remember their voice if I heard it again, but their face - I'm not sure. It's like I got called an "it" last week by another student...now, normally I would be able to "shake it off" and not have it bother me, but I was already in a low point - emotionally. I hate feeling like this, especially when Bug is here...I was hoping to get past this. Lately, little things seem to be setting me off...and then when I get asked if everything is okay, I want to answer "no"...but the only thing I can seem to give is that things are fine or okay. The main reason that I'm not saying that, "no things are not okay" is because I'm not sure exactly what is wrong. So, it would be pointless for me to say that things are not okay, because I would not be able to say why things are not okay. There are even times around my brother and his family where I'm not 100% comfortable with being myself...I wore a tank top once, and only once, and could tell that my brother was not completely comfortable with it...hence the "only once". If I am wearing just a tank top, it's only in my room...my room seems to be the only place I can TRUELY be myself, everywhere else is more of a "neutral zone". I know that because my brother and his family knew me before I started to transition, things are still a bit rough...especially since I've had my top surgery. I also know that they love and accept me for who I am and what not...hell maybe it's my emotions being "out of whack". Who the hell knows anymore. All I do know is that I can't REALLY be myself all of the time, not like I would like to. That and, since my transition, there are a lot of people who I kind of looked up to and though were friends who now treat me like a lesser person... it makes life rough, because I don't know who is really my friend and who is just a "sometimes friend". It's kind of like the Tuesday LGBTQ meetings that I used to go to, I quit going because it was more like an LG(sometimes)B meeting...freaking forget the TQ. Being the most, obviously, different one there...I was left to feel like the odd ball out. It wasn't like they missed me when I wasn't there anyhow...I would get asked if I knew why other people hadn't shown up, but never once why I hadn't shown up. Hell, if I noticed someone wasn't there...next time I saw them I would ask them if they were okay and make some sort of comment asking how come I hadn't seen them...but that's just me. I try to show concern for those around me. Even during the Tuesday meetings I couldn't really be me, I tried it once (only once) and I got ignored for the rest of the meeting, anything I tried to say to be involved in the conversation got ignored. Most situations, I try not to talk much anymore...what I have to say doesn't seem to matter much anyhow.
All I want is to be accepted for who I am by people around me....
No comments:
Post a Comment