Weakness Becomes Me

One thing about my life that I hate the most is my mental health "issues". It is something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life...hell, I have had to deal with it my entire life, most of the time without being medicated. Now, I am medicated and still have my bouts of depression where I do not feel anything - I'm numb to most emotion, and when I do have moments of actually being able to have and show emotion, it's intense emotion (usually anger). I hate being angry...when I get angry I feel weak because often I do not know how to control my anger. When I sense it coming on, I usually try to hold it in so that I do not accidentally take it out on someone. Everything has building up so much lately, I do not know what to do...the one thing I did not want to do, I did. I needed some way of, I guess, having control over everything going on. I needed to know that I could still feel something other than anger. I needed a release. I wish I could say that it 100% helped, then my life would be easier. Now I feel anger, pain, shame, and frustration...I wish I could just shake this. Fuck...I need to by Friday, either that or bury everything deep down for the few days that I have Bug for. I do not get her nearly as much as I would like to, but I try to make what time I do have with her memorable (in a positive way). I haven not been at this point of being emotionally stuck in a very long time. What sucks the most is, the counselor that I see is taking time off and will not be back for about another month, and by the time they could get me in to see someone else she will likely be back. So, essentially, I am stuck with no one to really talk to. Yeah, I have my brother...but he has enough to deal with - I feel like I am a bother to him when I do ask to talk to him. I know that I have terrible timing, I always have...so I have gotten to the point here where I just keep most things to myself. I will ask his opinion on some stuff, but beyond that - I try to not talk to much about how I am really feeling. If asked, I give the simplest answer I can without getting too much into what is really going on. I love my brother and his family to death...they just have their own things that they have to deal with, I do not want to be a bother to them. I already feel like I am. I am learning to accept that I am weak and there really is not much I can do about it.