*Whew*

Wow it's been a while since I've updated my blog...so much has been going on these past several months. I've been to court over my divorce more times than I care to have had to spend the money to travel, I've been on testosterone (HRT) for just over a year, I had my top surgery done just over a month ago, my divorce became finalized earlier this month, and the new parenting plan was written by the judge and received by both of us a week or two ago. Oh, and being stressed beyond belief (almost beyond the point of me being able to handle). It's funny, I got my mental health first aid certification this past week, and I don't know how to help myself work through what I'm feeling. Everything has gotten to the point of me having constant severe headaches/migraines, feeling sick, not being able to keep much food down...just out right feeling like crap. I've had to force myself to not stay in my bedroom and being around my roommates. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my roommates...they're family to me. Just being around people right now is difficult. I'm trying not to show it, because then people get worried about me - that's the last thing I want is people worrying about me. Other than that, I am just over one month post-op (top surgery) and feeling pretty good...I still have moments where I'm soar (like when I shiver, I get this sharp pain in my chest). Over all though, I think I'm healing rather well. I know that, even though my brother looks at me as being male...because he knew me before the surgery and HRT, that it's still a little weird for him to see me in a tank top (no compression shirt)...and I doubt I would ever walk around here topless, heck or in a tank top (ever again). I don't want things to be awkward between us and I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me. I'm working on getting the gender marker changed on my driver's license before the start of summer, especially if I end up switching schools - which at this point, I'm not sure if it'll happen or not - doubtful. The only reason that I'm doubtful it'll happen at this point is the factor of me having to move, not being able to go visit the school, and just the fact that I'm not sure my finances will allow it. But we'll see what happens. I may apply for the school I'm looking at without going to visit...probably not the smartest move, but at this point...if it gets me away from here. I'm sick of being here, I love my family, I enjoy what friends I have here; I'm tired of feeling like "the odd ball out". I've been questioning why I freaking chose this school quite a bit lately...why an Adventist school? Why did I choose a school that likely would not be LGBT friendly? I think part of my reasoning for wanting to switch schools, other than my need to be closer to Ali and needing to go to a school that is cheeper, I need to be in an environment that is more accepting. I know that no matter where I go there will be ignorance and people who are narrow minded, but to be on a campus where it feels like majority of the student body is narrow minded and judgmental is not a healthy environment for me. I need to feel like I'm in a safe environment.

I don't feel safe here most of the time...