Alone?

I know it's been a while since I've written anything...I know that its not due to nothing going on -- I think it's more due to too much going on. I've had Bug since Christmas Day :) and I've been working on some back math assignments, with the help of a tutor. One gal in student finance is helping me to get caught up, she doesn't want to see my college career here come to a screeching hault because of the fact that I'm struggling with one class. I don't know, maybe I wasn't cut out for this??? I'm just hopeful, school is the only thing I have right now. Life is full of difficult decisions, and right now the only choice I have is if I should stay in the stable environment I'm currently in or give up...and I can't see myself giving up. So, I've got to keep pushing on.
I head out to my doctor's office later this morning to get my testosterone shot...unfortunately, I'm going to have to take Ali with me. Thankfully, she doesn't like needles...so she won't even look when I'm getting my shot and she won't ask questions :) Love her to death, but I can't exactly tell her "don't tell dad..." it wouldn't be fair to her. I don't want to use her as a pawn, that's not what she is for...I feel bad enough because of her being stuck in the middle of all of this. I try to keep her time with me as enjoyable as possible...which most of the time I question how good of a job I'm doing. I'm not sure how good of a job I'm doing as a parent...was there something I could have done differently? Something I could have done to keep my family together??? It feels like I screwed everything up, as though I'm the one that tore everything apart.
As my brother would put it...maybe this is just the "borderline" in me talking....? I dunno. All I know right now...I don't want my daughter to go back with RJ. I'm actually thinking about not letting her go back with him...stupid idea. I could never do that...it wouldn't be fair to either of them. As much as he wants to make it difficult on me to be able to see her...I can't completely take her away from him like that.

I just can't stand being alone like this...

My brother

I found that as quirky as my brother and his family is...I love them all the same. Quirky is good :) most of the time (with the exception of doctor's appointments). But he is such an incredible person...
My computer crapped out, again...and he's fixing it for me, yet again. I do really need to replace that thing. He is the only person that really knows how to read my emotions, better than my ex ever could. I guess it's because in some ways, even though we're not blood related, we're alike (psychologically speaking). I'd gone over to his place last night to drop off my computer for him to fix for me and we got to talking, and at one point (I'm not entirely sure why) he'd asked me if I started cutting again...and I told him "no", which I hadn't (and still have not)...but the thing that makes it odd is the fact that it has been on my mind for about a week, and I've been doing really good at not cutting. This past week I've been going through this funk of depression that I just haven't been able to get past. I've done really good at not letting it get me completely down, to the point of locking myself in my apartment and staying in bed all day. I've actually been quite productive...I got my finals done this week (yay!), and I've gotten my apartment a little better organized (it's an on going process) and I'm caught up on my dishes, which really needed to be done. I've also been getting out and going for a short walk each day, just to get me out of the house. It does surprise me that he's able to read me, like an open book...like he knows what I'm feeling or thinking...or even if I have something on my mind that I'm not saying...it's weird. I guess it's a good thing??? I'm also able to talk to him about almost anything, which helps because I really don't have anyone that I'm that close to, that I can trust to talk about pretty much anything. I have developed some friendships since moving out here, but none that are as close as my brother and I are. I'm thankful to have him around, even though I know that in time he will likely move somewhere else.

Annoying

Well, my weekend went ok...was a bit mundane, but had the company of my brother's hamsters :) which was cute. They are very well trained to be held and petted.

The one, not so good, thing that happened...Jen decided that things aren't going to work out between us :( I guess it was bound to happen, considering our relationship was focused more around sex than anything else. She'd also made the decision that she's not going to be continuing at the Community College next quarter...*sigh* so I'm not sure if we're even going to keep in touch or not. At this point in time, I don't care. I've got worse things do deal with than being in a rebound relationship, again.
Besides that, I'm having to figure out how to get Bug from the half way point next week Tuesday...the friend that I normally get a ride from is out of town for the break, my license is suspended (so I can't rent a car), and I don't know many people who are still in town that have a vehicle. This is going to be an interesting week trying to figure a way to pick her up and bring her back for half of her holiday break. *sigh* I just want to be able to see her. I didn't get her for my weekend, because he wanted to be a jerk about me not being able to pick her up on that Friday...because of that he wasn't going to drop her off Saturday morning or change it to the following weekend. grrr...
Just with everything going on, I'm so frustrated and annoyed...

Frustrated

Well, today started off okay...then I went to my doctor's office for a follow up from starting the testosterone, only to find out that I have to get a pap-smear and blood work done (which will include a pregnancy test). I explained to my doctor that it is impossible for me to be pregnant - which he understands, but it's just procedure. I guess me getting to go on the testosterone was too good to be true. I'm hoping that this is just a minor roadblock that I will easily get past. I go in for my "female" appointment next Wednesday, so I won't be able to get my next shot until after that. This is annoying. Tuesdays were the one day that I was looking forward to...now, until then...*sigh* I don't know...

Other than that, I'm hopeful that my week goes better...

Puberty and finals

Well...the past few days have been interesting. I got stuck in Seattle for an extra day, which I wasn't counting on. My trip was pointless...my court date got moved back a day and then when I did get to court it turned out that RJ hadn't properly filed paperwork, court date was moved back and set at mid-August for finalization of this stupid divorce.

but anyhow...

he testosterone is starting to show it's effects...I'm now starting to realize what guys go through during puberty. The voice issue is humorous and frustrating at the same time. The other thing I'm discovering the concept of is what a "wet dream" is...that's an interesting issue to have to deal with. The one dream that I don't understand that I've had recently is this one where I'm a guy and I'm in bed having sex with another guy, I'm not even interested like that to guys...so it just doesn't make any sense to me as to why I would have a dream like that. I've also had the dreams/fantasies of being with a female, those make sense to me. This is about the oddest thing to me...yet enjoyable. I'm just glad to start being able to notice results, regardless of how odd or humorous they may be.

Finals are this week for most, but majority of mine got pushed back a week because of my court date. I'm praying that I do well on all of them, and that my math professor does gig me an "I" (incomplete) so that I have time to complete missing assignments and get my grade up. Here's hoping.

Annoyed

This SUCKS!!! I'm stuck in Seattle for another day. Went up to the courthouse this morning only to find out that my court date got pushed back a day...so now I have to wait until tomorrow morning to finalize this freaking divorce and fight to get Bug back. I was hoping to have this whole mess over and done with today. She has no clue that mom and dad are going to court, again...right now I think that may be a good thing, because I don't want to get her hopes up that she'll be able to go back home...she calls Walla Walla home. I want to tell her, but at the same time I know it's for the best that I don't...not yet.
Other than that...things have been going pretty good. I've learned, while here in the Seattle area, how much I appreciate the simplicity of living in Walla Walla. There's way fewer buses, and the drivers actually know their routs and most of the other routs. Out here, because of how many routs there are and how long their routs are...most of the drivers only know the main stops and don't know any of the other routs, it made taking the bus out here really interesting. I, kinda', know how to get to some places out here...and have resorted to asking other passengers (if I get lost) how to get to where I'm going. I've also discovered that I really don't miss having a mall close by. Yeah, it's nice to go to...but it's not really that big of a deal. I went to the mall out here (it was a smaller one) and wasn't really impressed. I got sushi from the Japanese restaurant inside the mall and was less than impressed...it made the sushi served in the caff look high quality. It's interesting how much, mentally, a person can change in just a year...which is about how long I've lived in Walla Walla. I've gotten used to living in a "small town" area...that the city doesn't impress me that much. It's nice to visit, but right now I couldn't see myself living out here. I used to imagine myself living in the city...now I don't know. I could work in a larger city, but not live there. *sigh* I miss my apartment.
This also sucks because I'm going to miss my therapist appointment tomorrow, I had to re-schedule my appointment with Pedrito, I'm supposed to turn a bunch of classwork in tomorrow, and I have a review for a final (the one I'm most concerned about) tomorrow...this is really messing things up for me. Oi! I was mentally prepared to be in court this morning...now I'm...I don't know how I'm going to handle going in court tomorrow. I just hope that I don't have to get up at 5a again tomorrow...we'll see...