Alone?

I know it's been a while since I've written anything...I know that its not due to nothing going on -- I think it's more due to too much going on. I've had Bug since Christmas Day :) and I've been working on some back math assignments, with the help of a tutor. One gal in student finance is helping me to get caught up, she doesn't want to see my college career here come to a screeching hault because of the fact that I'm struggling with one class. I don't know, maybe I wasn't cut out for this??? I'm just hopeful, school is the only thing I have right now. Life is full of difficult decisions, and right now the only choice I have is if I should stay in the stable environment I'm currently in or give up...and I can't see myself giving up. So, I've got to keep pushing on.
I head out to my doctor's office later this morning to get my testosterone shot...unfortunately, I'm going to have to take Ali with me. Thankfully, she doesn't like needles...so she won't even look when I'm getting my shot and she won't ask questions :) Love her to death, but I can't exactly tell her "don't tell dad..." it wouldn't be fair to her. I don't want to use her as a pawn, that's not what she is for...I feel bad enough because of her being stuck in the middle of all of this. I try to keep her time with me as enjoyable as possible...which most of the time I question how good of a job I'm doing. I'm not sure how good of a job I'm doing as a parent...was there something I could have done differently? Something I could have done to keep my family together??? It feels like I screwed everything up, as though I'm the one that tore everything apart.
As my brother would put it...maybe this is just the "borderline" in me talking....? I dunno. All I know right now...I don't want my daughter to go back with RJ. I'm actually thinking about not letting her go back with him...stupid idea. I could never do that...it wouldn't be fair to either of them. As much as he wants to make it difficult on me to be able to see her...I can't completely take her away from him like that.

I just can't stand being alone like this...