Yet another day...

I'm trying to be better at writing at least once a week...I used to write almost every day, but that was before I started back in school. Now it's like I have no life outside of work and school. *sigh* I wish I had more time for my friends, family, and stuff that I'd like to do...
oh well...

Today just started off crappy and pretty much went down hill from there. I woke up earlier than I wanted to and couldn't fall back to sleep. Then when I went to the coffee shop that is university owned and student run, there (literally) wasn't anyone there working, turned out that the person who was supposed to be there had to leave early and didn't make sure that someone would be there to cover for her. LAME!!! I waited 15 minutes before I was finally able to get my freaking coffee, and then I made it to class only to discover that it was made wrong. *sigh* I ended up going back after class and getting another cup of coffee because today was the one day (this quarter) that the psychology club was doing free drink at the coffee shop. The caffeine helped make the day a little more tolerable. The one thing that sucks right now is my therapist is taking some time off and so I won't see her again until mid-March...I have no one I can really talk to. I did finally get my medication filled for my ADD...only took (almost) the entire month! I'm not sure if it's because of insurance or my doctor. Who knows? All I know is that I can't smoke pot anymore, or else he won't prescribe me the medication. It sucks! I have to quit the one thing that helps stabilize my moods so that I can get the medication that helps with my ADD. Too bad the pot can't help with that as well. *sigh* Eh...

One good thing that happened, when I went to Wal-Mart I found this super cute stuffed monkey and then I found a box of Valentine's cookies and the box is shaped like a monkey's head, so I got those for Ali...because she is my little monkey. I'm debating on holding on to them and giving them to her for Valentine's Day or sending them to her for a "just because" gift. I know that she'll love it no matter when she gets 'em.

School has been a whole other ball of stress...I'm not sure I'm going to stay here at WWU after this year. I'm looking at switching schools at the end of the year, partly to be closer to Ali and partly because no matter how hard I may try, I just don't fit in on this campus - I'm still "the odd ball out". Yeah, I have my small group of friends that I enjoy hanging out with...when we all have the time. I would invite them over for lunch or something on a weekend, but I doubt they would have the time - that and with as crowded as we all are here, adding more people would just raise my anxiety level through the roof. I'm thinking when it warms up during spring quarter, we can all plan a park day and do a "potluck" picnic. I dunno'? We tried it last year and hardly anyone showed up.

I need a vacation...I need to get a better paying job, so that I can afford to go on vacation...

I hate being me sometimes. It sucks!

*Whew*

Wow it's been a while since I've updated my blog...so much has been going on these past several months. I've been to court over my divorce more times than I care to have had to spend the money to travel, I've been on testosterone (HRT) for just over a year, I had my top surgery done just over a month ago, my divorce became finalized earlier this month, and the new parenting plan was written by the judge and received by both of us a week or two ago. Oh, and being stressed beyond belief (almost beyond the point of me being able to handle). It's funny, I got my mental health first aid certification this past week, and I don't know how to help myself work through what I'm feeling. Everything has gotten to the point of me having constant severe headaches/migraines, feeling sick, not being able to keep much food down...just out right feeling like crap. I've had to force myself to not stay in my bedroom and being around my roommates. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my roommates...they're family to me. Just being around people right now is difficult. I'm trying not to show it, because then people get worried about me - that's the last thing I want is people worrying about me. Other than that, I am just over one month post-op (top surgery) and feeling pretty good...I still have moments where I'm soar (like when I shiver, I get this sharp pain in my chest). Over all though, I think I'm healing rather well. I know that, even though my brother looks at me as being male...because he knew me before the surgery and HRT, that it's still a little weird for him to see me in a tank top (no compression shirt)...and I doubt I would ever walk around here topless, heck or in a tank top (ever again). I don't want things to be awkward between us and I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me. I'm working on getting the gender marker changed on my driver's license before the start of summer, especially if I end up switching schools - which at this point, I'm not sure if it'll happen or not - doubtful. The only reason that I'm doubtful it'll happen at this point is the factor of me having to move, not being able to go visit the school, and just the fact that I'm not sure my finances will allow it. But we'll see what happens. I may apply for the school I'm looking at without going to visit...probably not the smartest move, but at this point...if it gets me away from here. I'm sick of being here, I love my family, I enjoy what friends I have here; I'm tired of feeling like "the odd ball out". I've been questioning why I freaking chose this school quite a bit lately...why an Adventist school? Why did I choose a school that likely would not be LGBT friendly? I think part of my reasoning for wanting to switch schools, other than my need to be closer to Ali and needing to go to a school that is cheeper, I need to be in an environment that is more accepting. I know that no matter where I go there will be ignorance and people who are narrow minded, but to be on a campus where it feels like majority of the student body is narrow minded and judgmental is not a healthy environment for me. I need to feel like I'm in a safe environment.

I don't feel safe here most of the time...