Okay, so I passed all my finals and am still maintaining over a 3.0 gpa. The past month or so has been...frustrating. I'm having to deal with getting my medications re-adjusted and I'm trying to maintain my mood at the same time, so that I don't snap at RJ or Bug...on top of that, I gave my brother all of my "blades" in hopes that I don't SI anymore. It's not easy. It's actually been really hard. I can hear my brother now, "it's not going to be easy" and I know it's not. It's something I've done since I was around 12-13 y/o as a way to "cope" and now to just suddenly stop. grrr....
Anyhow, tonight is our last night in our apartment. Campus housing is moving us into a house. Over the past few days, since a lot of seniors are moving out...we've managed to get some furniture that we've needed for a while. Which is pretty cool. It'll help with making the house look a little less empty and some of the stuff will help with setting up mine and RJ's rooms. We'll finally get to sleep on beds, yeah corney sounding...but he's been sleeping on the floor and I've been sleeping on the couch. Us having our own rooms will make things a little less awkward. We got to go up to the house today to get an idea of the layout and so Bug could see her room...to word it better, her floor. She's getting pretty much the entire second floor of the house. She LOVES it. She gets a bedroom and a "play room" which will get changed up when she gets older. But for now, she's still my little girl that loves to play with Barbie, Littlest Pet Shop, and Legos...I'm going to let her be a kid and make her Play-Doh creations and let her imagination fly. This move is something that is MUCH needed. We've always lived in an apartment, which is often tight quarters. Now we'll have a house with a yard...and actual kitchen space. I've not had my own space for so many years, and now that I've been able to "come out" to RJ...there's a lot less stress between the two of us. We still have a great relationship, even though it's more like friends...we seem to get along better. Bug knows the difference between "mom and dad" and she's okay with it. To quote her (when asked what the difference between us is), "Dad's straight, he likes girls...and mom's gay, she likes girls too." I love my daughter. Even with her "issues" she's smart as can be, and thankfully we've always raised her to accept people as they are and not to judge people. We've raised her to live the way that God would want us to. We've always tried to live by what we say and not be hypocrites...our biggest thing that we live by is "Judge not less ye be judged..." and "Love thy neighbor as thy self." Which are not the easiest things to live by, but over time we've learned to live by it. We've been teaching our daughter to do the same. Which is pretty easy for her, especially with her being special needs...she sees how people tend to treat her, and through that she's learned that everyone should treat each other as equals. I think it's been easier for her to learn, being a child...then it's been for us. But, we're all learning together.
I had an appointment with the "shrink" and gave him a list of all the medications (that I could remember) that I've been on. I also told him that even though I may not like him or personally trust him as a person...I trust him as a doctor, because I know and trust that he knows better than I do what possible medications will work for me. I also told him that I'm trusting his opinion on what medications he prescribes me...because right now I'm probably not in the "right frame of mind" to make knowledgeable decisions on medication right now. Until my medication gets straightened out, I will let him know of any side effects I'm having, and that will be pretty much it. It's hard for me to put that much trust into one person, but it's something that I have to do, especially if I want to feel "normal" again. I know that when I was back in FL I was on a decent mix of medication, but I can't remember what that mix was...kinda' sucks right now. We're having to play hit and miss on figuring out what works and what doesn't. Not a lot of fun. He lowered the dose of one medication (which is for BiPolar) and a few days later start a new one for Anxiety, which unfortunately I had some funky side effects from, so I stopped taking it. I might try taking it again to see if I have the side effects again or if it was just a fluke from lowing the other medication. It worked a little, but I wasn't sure if it was worth the side effect. I see him again in two weeks, which is usually a bit stressful. It's hard to trust him because of everything I've gone through. I'm sure after seeing him for a while, it'll get easier...but for now it's...well...eh.
But, I should get off the computer and try to get some sleep, tomorrow's going to be a LONG day.
"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say!!
Which is always a hard one for me to remember.
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