It's been a while, again, since I've had the chance to write anything. Things have just been so chaotic lately...we finally moved into the house and got the apartment cleaned up, so that we don't get charged for any moving fees or anything like that. It's still weird living in the house, even though we've been in the house for almost a week. It took me four days to finally be able to sleep in my room; even so, I'm still having trouble sleeping in the room...it's odd. It's been so long since I've been in a room of my own. Being in this house has made me question if RJ and I should get a divorce or not. I'm starting to think that I should hide who I am and start being with RJ. I'm worried of Ali being confused when she gets older. I'm also worried about RJ, I care about him and I'm worried about him being hurt and I don't want him being alone and hurt. I know that I shouldn't do things for the concern or because of anyone else, that I should do what makes me happy. It's so hard to continue to do what makes me happy...I need to put Bug first, mot my self. I'm so confused about what I should do at this point....
Right now....my emotions are up and down, up and down...I can't seem to make heads or tails of how I'm feeling. I hate feeling like this. On top of that, I'm so tired all the time, I can't seem to stay coherent long enough to get things done that I know I need to. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm so alone. I can't focus of hardly anything for very long. There is so much I want to get done, but I can't seem to do any of it. I feel as though I have no one.
I did pass all of my finals last quarter. Which I was kind of happy about, I guess. I'm just glad that I did. I get to keep my job with the school newspaper. I kinda' like the job. It's a job. All the money I earn will go towards my school bill, just to try to keep it as low as I possibly can. I have a hard enough time being able to pay my student bill each quarter as it is. I haven't a clue how I'm going to pay my student bill come fall. I'm going to pay a bit at a time each month, so that come fall I'll hopefully be able to convince them to let me make payments on what's left. By the time my grants and loans hit, it'll zero out my account...it usually does. I'm just trying to get it to where my student bill each month is under $600-900...that's hard to come up with the money each month.
Things are just really confusing to me lately. I know that things will be hard before they get better...it's just really frustrating. there are times that I just want to give up. Lately they've been more often then not. I dare not tell my therapist, because then the "shrink" will find out...and having to talk about it when I see him next will just be frustrating. Because I'll have to explain why I'm feeling like that. With not knowing, it'll just make things worse. I dunno'...I've thought about if I give up and give in, then it'll just make things easire for RJ.Who knows???
Time will only tell....
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