eh...

Okay, so I've not been writing that much lately; I would make the excuse of not having the time, but that would be an incorrect excuse...as I do have the time. I definitely would like to (should probably) post more often, considering I've had a lot going on, life wise and emotionally. Life has been one hell of a roller coaster lately, we moved out of the apartment and into a house...which is a lot more space than we're used to. It took me several days, almost a week, before I could sleep in my room...even now it's still kind of weird. I had gotten so used to sleeping on the couch in the living room, that sleeping on a bed in my own room feels cramped. I set my bed near the window and I leave the bedroom door open so that I don't feel so confined...claustrophobic thing. I've been seeing the therapist I'm with for, I think, going on three months...I'm still having trouble trusting her. For me that's, a bit, weird; I'm usually able to trust female therapists easier and quicker than this one. I'm not sure if it's because I know that pretty much everything I say to her will go to my shrink or if it's because of how many therapists I've been through already. Heck, I don't even know what I'm "supposed" to talk about when I see her...every other therapist I've seen all I had to do is tell them, generally, what I've gone through, without much detail, and how I'm doing emotionally and we just talk about ways for me to work through everything...and I've usually been able to get through a session with just doing that. But now, to me, it seems like I'm supposed to talk about more than just "how I'm feeling." I don't know how to do that with someone I don't know. That and I'm tired of talking about my past, it hasn't helped thus far...why would it make any difference now? Not like anyone believes me. Everyone thinks I'm either making it up or having false memories. I'm just tired of being thought of as a liar. I've managed to, mostly, avoid cutting myself for a while. Though I've gone back to using lighters/matches to burn myself...I'm not sure what else to do in order to feel. I, still, think that just ending it all would be easier than living through this hell. I don't really have anyone to talk to...RJ doesn't talk to me much anymore, except casual talk or asking for my help with his homework. I should just go back to living the life I was, then things would be better for us. I know that deep down I would be happy, but I can deal with that on my own...I'd been doing it for almost 11 years before, with some encouragement, I decided to "come out." But even now, with being "out", I'm miserable. Either way I go, it's a loose-loose situation. The only solution I can think of is to end it all or go back to the way things were.

I hate the way I feel. I wish I could put it all into words, but there are no words to explain it. If I could come up with the words to describe the way I feel, it'd at least give me something to talk about in therapy. But there aren't, so I just have to deal with it on my own. I know that my brother tells me that he loves me and accepts me for who I am every time I see him, and I know that he means it...but it's hard for me to truly, deep down, believe it. I guess it's because I don't feel that way about myself. I've gotten to the point that I hate who I am. I don't want to be me anymore...RJ is afraid of Bug turning out to be like me, I keep having to remind him that I was born the way I am and if Bug "ends up like me" or not, then that's the way she was born. He keeps getting upset because she wants to wear "boys clothes." I explained to him today that though they may come out of the "boys" section, they are more gender neutral than anything. He's so stuck in his ways though, I'm not sure how much I got through to him. I've told him numerous times that the harder he is on her now, the more she's going to push back when she gets to be a teenager. I let her dress the way she's comfortable, I've been working on her to match her clothes a bit better. Though she does rather well matching my clothes...which I find humorous.

I just hope, though I'm optimistic, that things get better...in one form or fashion or another...I just hate feeling like this. I've felt like this for this long...not sure it'll get much better anytime soon.