Just...here....

I think that I need to start writing more, again...my writing seems to be my only way of being able to get anything out.

I go to therapy to talk about how I'm "feeling," when I'm no good at talking about how I "feel" or what's on my mind/bothering me. I'm better at expressing myself through my drawing(s) and writing, not physical words. If I were to do that in therapy though, we wouldn't get very far each week. My first appointment with the shrink, he'd asked me a question and the best way I knew to answer him was to draw it out...by attempting to do so I got accused of being a smart alack...which wasn't my intention, I just didn't know any other way of answering his question. There are a lot of times that the only way I know to answer a question is by drawing out my answer in some form or fashion or another, or even write out my answer because it'll be something I can't physically say. I'm just not very good with words.

Lately, my emotions have been...confusing. I'll "feel" ok, but be extremely depressed. broke my finger early last week, and the pain from that was ok for a short time...then when I was serving dinner up this past weekend, I needed a shock back into reality...so I touched the back of the, still, hot stove burner...because RJ was in the kitchen, I pulled it off as an accident. The pain from that lasted a short while...I've been trying not to cut myself...I can't even succeed in that. I ended up cutting myself again. Burning myself with matches and lighters, the pain, didn't last long enough.


I hate myself.