hell

it's just been one of those weeks..feel like hell. i hate this week. i went from burning myself, back to cutting myself...yet again. i feel like a failure. i made it almost three months without cutting, and now i went back to my old "bad habits" all over again. the only thing i'm being 1/2 way intelligent about is timing when i smoke a joint...only because i know how long it'll take to get out of my system before my blood test without popping positive next month. i'm just glad that the person i've been getting it from is still in town during summer break, he was planning on going to visit family. it's one of the few things that i can do to help me relax even a little, but i have to do it within the first week and a half of the month. i know i souldn't, but with my meds not doing a damn thing...it's almost like the only thing that actually helps.
i hate the way i feel. i hate myself.

Endless Hell
The pain inside
Is ripping
Is tearing
My soul apart
Trying to find an end
Closed doors
Are all I see
In this dark hell
People call life
I try to run
Only to find

...no end

i just want need an end to this life hell...