Ack! Dreams!

Well, I had another one of those freaky dreams last night, and it wasn't a flashback (I think I'd almost prefer a flashback over the dream I had).

I don't remember the dream in its entirety, but here goes; I remember being in a Natzi style encampment, with my closest friends and family, we were all working and doing what we were told. Next thing I remember is all my friends and family were standing in front of a large hole, kinda' like a trench. I'm standing in front of them with, what appears to be, a machine (type) gun in my hands and a guard next to me with a pistol to my head telling me that unless I killed all my friends he would kill me...next thing I know, I hear a gun shot and screaming...then I woke up in tears.
After that I was unable to fall back asleep after that one. I couldn't imagine having to have a choice like that, with not knowing that by giving my own life, my friends would be spared. For all I know, in a situation like that, regardless of my decision...everyone dies.

Any who...had my therapy appointment yesterday, and I took my brother's idea and started off with "here is how I'm feeling, I don't know why, but here's what I want to talk about." Which we did...and for once I was comfortable talking, because I had it set on my mind what I wanted, needed, talk about. It was, however, interesting to talk to her about not feeling comfortable in my own skin. As we got into talking about it, some of the questions she asked were like she was in my head...she knew exactly what to ask me and pretty much knew what my answer was going to be. I had told her about never, as far back as I can remember, feeling comfortable in "girl" clothes. That even the pictures of me from when I was younger show the difference in how happy or unhappy I was according to what I was wearing. I mentioned to here about the, almost, week that I, as an experiment, spent dressing more feminine and how miserable I was for the entire time of the experiment. I've since then, gotten ride of all the clothes that I wore for that week. I, actually, can't stand wearing feminine clothes...I'm miserable. I actually, unless I'm with RJ or Ali, when people call me "sir" I don't correct them anymore. Why correct people for something that, I've only let it bother me because of the people around me. My therapist even said (and I know my brother is going to say something to the affect of, "I told you so.") that I need to quit worrying about what makes everyone else happy or comfortable and start worrying about what makes me happy. If I don't care about being called "sir" then don't correct them, regardless of who's around. I've got to agree with her. I'd mentioned to her that I was looking at having my name changed from "Danielle" to "Danni", because not many people know me or call me "Danielle" anymore. I actually hate being called "Danielle." She said that if that would make me more comfortable/happy making it legal then "by all means" have it done. For the social security office it's really easy...but for the DOL I'll need a bit more paperwork, but it'll still be rather easy. So, I'm pretty happy about that. But, as we got further into the conversation, she'd mentioned the lack of, really, any difference between a transsexual and a transgender...and that I fit under those definitions. She also mentioned that what I brought up is a good thing to work on...learning to be comfortable with being myself. She did say it'll be a tough journey, but in the end it'll be worth it...and assured me that there is an end to the journey, but it will open up things for a whole other journey. I'm glad that we, finally, have something to focus on...and it's not my past experiences. For once, I'm actually looking forward to my next appointment, because I know what we're going to talk about. She had also mentioned to me that a compression vest will help me pull off the "guy look" vs getting the surgery, and it's much cheaper. Cheaper is good.

Other than that, this week has been pretty good. I'm looking forward to Saturday, because I get to go to Tri-Cities and go to Pride Fest...and I convinced my buddy, Jake, to go with me. So, now I won't be going by myself. I go to pick up my ticket today. RJ gave me $20 to buy a Grapeline ticket to get to Tri-Cities and back, because I couldn't find any other way of getting there. I'll be posting a few pictures of my time there on either Sunday or Monday.


"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."

I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say!!!