Amusing

Well, today has been an interesting day...I went downtown to Walla Walla and picked up my ticket to catch the bus out to Tri-Cities on Saturday...my buddy Jake joined me to get his ticket as well. I'm so excited about getting to go to Pride Fest this weekend. When I told my brother that RJ told me that I should go, and that he paid for my bus ticket to go, he was surprised. It surprised me as well...but his thoughts are, it's an outing that I need to make. Which him saying something like that is unusual for him, but he I'm not arguing. Other than that, today has been mundane. I got my haircut by my niece, and Ali got hers done as well...my hair on the sides and in the back is much shorter than I've had it since living out here, but it works for the heat that we've been having. A friend of mine has been begging me to go out with him and smoke pot with him, but I can't risk it, considering I'm likely going to get blood test done every month because of my medication...and marijuana will show up on a blood test. I know that if I smoke it right after I get my blood test at the beginning of the month, that it won't show up the following month, but it's always mid-month or towards the end of the month that he wants me to join him. It kinda' sucks because it works better than any of the medications I've been on in a while.

Life's been tough. i'm not going to lie about that. I've gone back to cutting, only because it's what I know as a release. Ever since I started this new medication that I'm on, it's made me more depressed. I can be in a good mood, but deep down all I want to do is kill myself. What scares me the most about it, I've already come up with a plan on how I would do it. I hate this feeling. I'm finally figuring out who I am and the one thing on my mind the most is how I'm going to end it all. I can't bring this up in therapy, because all they'll do is put me in a psychiatric hospital. That will just make matters worse. Maybe this outing on Saturday will help to get my mind off of how I've been feeling...I hope it does. I'm sure it will, because it'll get me out of the house and doing something that I'll enjoy. I just hope that I handle the massive crowds ok...again, I'm sure I'll be fine I'll take my meds, as perceived...and they'll help me out. I keep getting told that I have to think positively which is what I'm trying to do. If I keep thinking negatively, it won't make things any better...and I want to "feel" I want to live not just survive.


Oh, I fell back asleep after writing my last entry...and I figured out who the guard was in my dream, because I had the same dream...oddly it was my psychiatrist. Now, I'm curious what my dream meant...because that's just weird.