This past Sunday I went to an AA meeting with my brother, and it was actually interesting. I didn't talk, mostly because I was nervous. On the way home my brother and I got into some interesting conversation...which a lot of it was helpful. The most interesting one was regarding me never feeling comfortable in my own skin. He threw me off when he asked me if I'd ever wished I had a penis. When in fact I have, I've actually looked into sex reassignment surgery(sex change). As we got to talking he mentioned that I might be transgender vs lesbian...up until I was around, I think, 25 y/o I'd never heard of transgender...I'd only heard of transvestite(cross dressers), which I wasn't sure if I was or wasn't because I've always been more comfortable in boy's/men's clothes. When I had heard of it, I didn't really know what it was, I just thought it was someone born with both male and female sex organs. As he and I got to talking, I started understanding what/who transvestites really are...and it started making sense. He'd mentioned that, that may explain why I've never felt comfortable in my own skin...as he described what/who transvestites are it was one of those "that explains everything" moments. I've just never been feminine or felt, I guess you could say, comfortable as a female...I've always thought that there was "something wrong with me." Now I know that I'm not going crazy, and there isn't anything wrong with me. I don't plan on telling RJ, because he's already having issues with me being lesbian...he'd have a cow if I told him I'm not lesbian, I'm a transvestite. I think that this will be one of those things that I don't tell anyone in my family. I feel really...I dunno', ashamed of who I am.
My therapist called just a bit ago, and apparently she can't see me on Friday...the one time I actually have something I want to talk about. I asked her if there's any other day that she can see me, and she managed to get me in on Wednesday. I know what I want to talk about, I'm just nervous about putting it out into words...I'm going to write it out onto paper, and just read it...like my brother suggested. I think that will be easier.
Other then that not much new going on...I'm trying to write more to get out how I'm feeling...it's just hard.
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