Therapy still confuses me...I'm supposed to come up with what I want to talk about, yet I have such a hard time to figure out how to get my thoughts into words. I can write how I'm feeling down, or type it. Often to others what I write to describe how I'm feeling, doesn't make sense to them. The one thing we kind of talked about was one thing that I want to get out of therapy...one thing I want is to really feel like I'm living vs. just functioning. I only feel like I'm functioning. To live is to feel, emotionally, to be aware of what is going on with your life. All I know is that I hate myself and that my new medication is making me feel more depressed, and the anti-anxiety med is making me so exhausted during the day that between the depression and the exhaustion, it's hard for me to get up and moving for the day.
Other than that, between Ali and RJ constantly hitting or squeezing my left hand...one of them is going to end up re-breaking my finger...right now it hurts a bit right now, because RJ accidentally grabbed my hand really hard this morning. It was irritating, because up until that point my hand wasn't irritating me.
I spoke with my hair dresser today to find out the name of the hair dye that he recommended to me, because it lasts around 2 months or longer...depending on how well and what type of hair product you use. The only place he knows to get it is Tri-Cities, which me making it out there is not happening. He informed me that he will be making a trip out there in the near future and that he wouldn't mind picking it up for me and getting it on his discount. With him doing my hair, he charges me the equivalence of a hair cut...which is cool. It makes it affordable for me to get my hair done...out of all the people that I've allowed to do my hair, he's the only one that consistently does it right...and I don't have to tell him how I want it done. This will be interesting when I start the new quarter...my hair will be quite colourful.
Even though RJ and I have talked about waiting till Ali's older and we've both finished our degrees and are set in a stable job for our profession before we split up...I'm tempted to suggest to him divorcing before then, so that we're both "free"...and just continue living together, because it will benefit both of us continuing to live together. But I don't think that he will go for it. I'm not considering it to be selfish, but I want to make it to where he's free to date whomever he wishes. I just don't want him to feel like he's locked down and not able to have a relationship that will make him happy. It feels like he's not happy, and I just want him to be happy...that's all I want. Ali couldn't handle us not living together. She'd caught us discussing "splitting up" and she freaked, which shows us that she couldn't handle it. The only thing I care about on this matter is the two of them being happy, my happiness comes secondary.
Family first....self comes secondary....
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