Can't sleep, aliens will eat me...

Well, I probably shouldn't have laid down right before dinner...I fell asleep for about an hour, and now I can't fall asleep. It's about 3:30a and I'm not tired. This sucks! Though between talking with my ex and my two brothers...also with some of my own reflection, what my oldest brother and I discussed is making more and more sense. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin, growing up I always felt like there was something wrong with me...like I was defective or something. Looking back at some pictures of me when I was growing up, a lot of them I was wearing boys clothes or clothes that looked like boys clothes. I looked happy. I miss "feeling" anything, especially happy. I don't remember the last time I honestly felt happy. I'm hoping that with discovering who I really am, and getting to be myself without anyone telling me who to be...I will discover what happiness is again. I look forward to my therapy appointment on Wednesday, for once. I actually know what I want to and am going to talk about, which is unusual. I usually have no clue as to what I want to or wish to talk about. I'm sure she'll be surprised when I'm just going to get to the point on Wednesday. I hate tip toeing around things. I drew out, within the first two or three appointments, several of my memories that I'm ready to talk about and told her that I wanted talk about one of them but wasn't sure which. I proceeded to ask her to pick one, so that we could work through it...we ended up talking about something else...my past abuse has only really come up one other time since then...and even then it was only for 5 or 10 minutes. Didn't really accomplish anything pertaining to it. So, instead of working through my past memories, I'm going to work on some of my present issues...past memories, evidently not important. Which at this point doesn't matter much...what I want to work on right now, is why I physically feel the way that I do. I want to work through feeling as though I'm defective. Life is a wondrous thing, no two people are exactly alike...no one has gone through the exact same experiences, feel the same, nothing...I have such a hard time understanding myself, it's not until I had the conversation with my oldest brother and he asked me if I ever wished I had a penis. The first thought through my head was, "how the hell does he know?" Off and on since I was a kid, I knew I was different, I'd just thought I liked girls...which made me a lesbian, just I couldn't shake this feeling that at times I'd wished I was a boy. In high school I'd heard of transvestites, and how they were cross dressers (which I wore boys clothes already) but didn't think that, that explained me...because besides wearing boys clothes I'd still often wish I were a boy, but thought it was just a phase...I knew I just wasn't comfortable in my own skin...like I was supposed to be someone else, but who I didn't know. I'd started using the nickname I currently go by since I was about 13 y/o. I just didn't like my full first name, it just wasn't me, the nickname I went by and still go by has always been more fitting and more...comfortable for me. I'm weird, I guess. A little quirky as well. But that's just me.