Being "me"

Lately things have been...confusing. I took my brother's suggestion and put my hair back to a natural colour. I've also been working on my mannerisms, which is going to be an ongoing learning experience (at least for a while)...I'm working on what mannerisms are more masculine than others, which is where I'm trying to figure out. I'm not entirely sure what I am or might be doing wrong. I know that people are now doing a "double take" trying to figure out if I'm male or female, which for me is cool...because that's what I'm going for. I want people to think I'm a guy...it means I look like who I was meant to be. I've been getting called "dude" and "sir" a lot more often :) Yay! But, I want to get referred to as "he" more often...but I don't know how to go about correcting people on that. Especially those who are used to referring to me as "she"...I've been reading up and chatting with some people on how to pass more like a guy. Some suggestions have been good. I value all the suggestions that I can get at this point. I've changed the way I style my hair, combing it from a side part vs. parting it down the middle...I bind any time I leave the house (with few exceptions)...I'm saving up for a binding shirt, should be more comfortable w/less bruising. I ended up with several bruises from binding, that and after a while it's hard to breath after binding for an entire day. I find that, for the most part, I'm happier being able to be and dress the way I want without any restrictions. I'm gradually working on what is referred to as "social transition", which I will likely stick with...unless I'm able to come up with the money for the surgery. I've been greatly debating on having the surgery. *sigh* I don't know though. I want to, but then again...I'm still debating it. I guess it's just the nervousness of something major like that in my life. I could only imagine the nervousness from eagerness that someone would feel the day before getting even part of the surgery done. I think that over time, I'll decide weather or not to go through it. Right now, "social transition" is nerve wrecking enough for me... :)

God loves me for who I am and where I'm at, unconditionally.
I love myself for who I am regardless of what others may say or think.

"Above all else: To thin own self be true..." -William Shakesphear

Lonely...still...

Why must life be so confusing? I just don't get it sometimes...one day things seem to be going pretty good, then the next thing I know it...things suck again. I don't know..maybe it's just me??? Things just seem to be an emotional roller-coaster lately, as my loving brother would put it "it's my borderline talking." Which is likely part of the reason I'm feeling the way I am. Who knows? I know part of it is the fact that this is the first year I've ever spent my birthday completely alone...hell, this is the longest I've ever lived alone. I've always lived with others or with others around me (Navy). Never truly alone...it's starting to really get to me, living alone. Hopefully it'll get better.

Fate

Whispering wondering fate is near
Whispering wondering in my ear
What it says is still unclear
What it wants will be revealed
As it whispers in the wind
My fate draws near an end

Lonely

I went to go straighten up Bug's room, I couldn't bring myself to finish. I miss her too damn much, I keep thinking that if I leave her room a mess that she'll be home any time now...but she won't. I need her here with me, she wants to be here with me. Why won't he just let her be where she obviously wants to be? She has told him that she wants to be here in walla walla and not in western Washington. To top all matters off...I likely won't get to talk to her tonight, because he "forgot" that he needed to be home when she got home so that I could talk to her...I just hope that he lets her stay up till I call when I get off from work. We'll see.

My week...thus far

This week started off pretty rough...had my visit with Bug this past weekend, then I had to bring her back to the meet-up point only to have her say almost the entire ride there that she didn't want to go. When we got there she spotted "dad" and bolted back in the car saying "I don't want to go." That broke my heart, because I didn't want her to go either. Then this week; Monday- I had my intake appointment (all over again) with my therapist's office - insurance issues - and missed most of my classes. Tuesday- I had a complete emotional breakdown in my first class and missed the rest of my classes during the day, with the exception of my psych class (only because I woke up in time for it). Wednesday- I told my family that I'm transgender, only to be dis-owned (joy). THEN...things got better :) I came to the conclusion that if they don't want to talk to me or have anything to do with me, then that's their choice and I'm not one to impede on their choice. Thursday- Got to go see "Seventh Gay Adventist" and LOVED it!!! I felt so comfortable even being in such a large crowd (which is unusual for me) without going through an anxiety attack. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I know most of the people there are accepting of the LGBT community and I didn't have to worry about being looked at funny or criticized. It was one of the best nights ever :) Today- I get to interview the producers of the movie....YAY!!! I'm so excited :) :) :) and I get to start seeing my therapist again :) Oddly, I miss being able to see her...I think it has to do with the fact that I was finally becoming comfortable with talking to her and not holding back. I hope that the rest of the day goes as well as yesterday :)

...depressed

It’s funny…my brother is the only person I know that can “call me out” on certain things…everyone else just believes whatever I tell them. For instance, I have two burns on my hands…one on my right hand, which is pretty much completely healed, and one on my left hand, which has yet to fully heal. I’ve pretty much told people that it was just “an accident,” my brother on the other hand…he flat out asked me if I did it was intentional. I can’t ever look directly at him when he asks me that, when I know the true answer is “yes”…and I’m pretty sure he knows it. It’s not like he doesn’t know me by now. The only thing that I can think of to “validate” me doing it is, it’s easier to try to explain vs. cutting... I’m just I try to cope with the “stress of life” each day, but it gets to the point where it seems like it’s too much for me to deal with, then the only way I know to deal with it is cut…but I can’t do that anymore. I try to keep going for Bug, but there are moments that even with that in mind…I just can’t deal with it anymore. My brother and therapist have both suggested that I call the crisis line, but they just go off of a script of how to deal with different situations…it’s not like they are (professionally) trained in dealing with any type of crisis. Last time I called one, they put me on hold…I ended up hanging up. I’ve not called a crisis line since…I just “deal” with things on my own. I just rather talk to someone I trust vs someone that I don’t know or have never met.
The other thing that he “called me out on”...which now that I look out it, he’s right. I’d mentioned to him that I have an appointment on Monday to see my doctor about getting put on something for my depression, because I don’t know when I’m going to see Varnell again and I need to be put on something before I do more than just SI…right now, I’m scared of myself. The medication that I mentioned that I’m going to try to get back on, my brother had also suggested because it also helps with anxiety and (to quote him), “it’ll make you less horny”…his bluntness still throws me off, which by now it shouldn't. But, until he mentioned me going to the volleyball games and me thinking about how much I used to go when my ex used to play…I didn't realize how off my hormones have been this last month. It’s like my mind decided it’s free now that I don’t have to worry about how RJ feels or anything. Though I know I’ll have to watch myself with Bug here next weekend. I had to be especially careful while I was at work today; we have 500 high school students plus their family on campus for some sporting even this weekend. A lot of the teenagers you can’t tell the difference between them and some of the college students here. I’ve never staired at the floor so much in a very long time. It kept me out of trouble…a bunch of the guys at work last night even joked around that you can’t tell the difference, and they made cracks about “jail bait”…which I know what they’re talking about…you can’t even look at ‘em, because then your mind starts thinking about actually being with them, and that’s just as bad as the actual act. I just wish “being me” wasn’t as difficult as it is…
Right now, me being alone...probably not the wisest thing, but it's the only option I have....

Unwanted Desire

I love speaking out for people, like myself, who are not treated equally here on campus...there are just times I wish I could be left alone, times I wish...hell I just wish I could be invisible to everyone around. I don't know...I don't like being me some days.

I'm just really not having a good day right now.I didn't want to get up this morning and go to class. I just threw clothes on this morning without any thought as to what I'm wearing. I fell asleep last night in tears...I know that I volunteered to participate in the psych class, yesterday just brought up a lot of old memories that I'd managed to push to the back of my mind, that is until yesterday. I guess it's good to, eventually, talk about some of the experiences that I've been through...I just never thought it would be this hard. Lately it's been really hard for me not to start cutting again. I want to, but know that I shouldn't...the desire is always and will always be there; the desire to do so has been stronger this week vs the past several weeks. I just wish it would go away.