...depressed

It’s funny…my brother is the only person I know that can “call me out” on certain things…everyone else just believes whatever I tell them. For instance, I have two burns on my hands…one on my right hand, which is pretty much completely healed, and one on my left hand, which has yet to fully heal. I’ve pretty much told people that it was just “an accident,” my brother on the other hand…he flat out asked me if I did it was intentional. I can’t ever look directly at him when he asks me that, when I know the true answer is “yes”…and I’m pretty sure he knows it. It’s not like he doesn’t know me by now. The only thing that I can think of to “validate” me doing it is, it’s easier to try to explain vs. cutting... I’m just I try to cope with the “stress of life” each day, but it gets to the point where it seems like it’s too much for me to deal with, then the only way I know to deal with it is cut…but I can’t do that anymore. I try to keep going for Bug, but there are moments that even with that in mind…I just can’t deal with it anymore. My brother and therapist have both suggested that I call the crisis line, but they just go off of a script of how to deal with different situations…it’s not like they are (professionally) trained in dealing with any type of crisis. Last time I called one, they put me on hold…I ended up hanging up. I’ve not called a crisis line since…I just “deal” with things on my own. I just rather talk to someone I trust vs someone that I don’t know or have never met.
The other thing that he “called me out on”...which now that I look out it, he’s right. I’d mentioned to him that I have an appointment on Monday to see my doctor about getting put on something for my depression, because I don’t know when I’m going to see Varnell again and I need to be put on something before I do more than just SI…right now, I’m scared of myself. The medication that I mentioned that I’m going to try to get back on, my brother had also suggested because it also helps with anxiety and (to quote him), “it’ll make you less horny”…his bluntness still throws me off, which by now it shouldn't. But, until he mentioned me going to the volleyball games and me thinking about how much I used to go when my ex used to play…I didn't realize how off my hormones have been this last month. It’s like my mind decided it’s free now that I don’t have to worry about how RJ feels or anything. Though I know I’ll have to watch myself with Bug here next weekend. I had to be especially careful while I was at work today; we have 500 high school students plus their family on campus for some sporting even this weekend. A lot of the teenagers you can’t tell the difference between them and some of the college students here. I’ve never staired at the floor so much in a very long time. It kept me out of trouble…a bunch of the guys at work last night even joked around that you can’t tell the difference, and they made cracks about “jail bait”…which I know what they’re talking about…you can’t even look at ‘em, because then your mind starts thinking about actually being with them, and that’s just as bad as the actual act. I just wish “being me” wasn’t as difficult as it is…
Right now, me being alone...probably not the wisest thing, but it's the only option I have....