As if...

Lately it seems like no one gives a damn if I'm here and alive or not...just as long as I make it to work and do what's expected of me or make it to my appointment (s) on time...even then all of that is seeming to become pointless as well. I don't know if any of this is worth it anymore. Who knows? Hell, who gives a damn? I'm not sure I do anymore...what do I have left? RJ took the one thing, person, that means the world to me... <br><br> I guess you could say, I quit caring...

Eh

Well...it's been just over a month since I last posted anything, things have been really crazy (to put it lightly)...it's almost the end of the year and I am SO happy. Even though I am behind on class work, I can't wait until the year is over. I'm contemplating on taking some summer courses, but with having Ali for half of the summer and (possibly) working fulltime, I'm not sure that is going to be a good idea. We'll see what happens. Other than that...life has been...weird. My moods are more unpredictable, again, my shrink won't listen to me and the VA is driving me nuts with all the hoops I am having to jump through. It is like being in the military all over again...hurry up and wait. Annoying, but tollerable. However, my ex is (as usual) being an ass. I can't wait for this bull shit to be over with as well...what stress I am having to deal with is mostly due to this stupid divorce, though I'm not letting it get to me...if I do it will just make me feel more like crap.I had an interview today for a potential decent paying job for the summer today...I'm optomistic on how it went and if I will get the job or not...we shall see. Things have just been crap...it seems like the harder I try on something the worse it gets....it is almost like everything is caving in on me. I hate this feeling.
;"'

Stress

Well, this week has been interesting...the new quarter started in Monday, then on Tuesday night I get a call from RJ offering for me to get Ali in Wednesday through tomorrow. Even though I know that his "kindness" has some sort of motive behind it, but I took advantage of the offer. I'm thankful for my niece, she watched Ali while I was in class for me..but currently I'm having to figure out how I'm going to come up with the money for my airline ticket to go to the court hearing next month. I was going to borrow Ali's birthday and allowance money to help pay for it, but I have a hard time doing that...that and she decided to get a pet snake with her money. I'm not 100% fond of the idea of the pet snake, but through exposure I will get over my fear of snakes. I've already managed to hold it once, though I dropped it when it looked at me. I know it's silly...but I'm afraid of it biting me.
Right now, I'm worried about not being able to purchase the airline ticket, and then not having a shot in the dark of being able to get custody of Ali. I keep getting told to "leave it up to God and to trust that he will provide"...it's hard to trust that it'll all work out when child support is taking just over half my paycheck each week. Shit like that makes "living" difficult. I love my daughter, I know she wants to live out here, but if I don't get the airline ticket...it's not going to be possible. Then there is proving his allegations wrong. I'm at the point of trying to figure out what in the world I did wrong to cause him to leave. I did still care about him...

I seem to have this habit of either push people away or they just leave. In the end...I'll always be alone.

Spring Cleaning

Something that inevitably needs to be done every year...especially with having a kid - going through the toys. Except this year is a bit different, she's not here and I haven't gone through any of her stuff since moving into the apartment. I finally decided that its time to go through her toys today...I got some hooks the other day at Wal-Mart to hang her toy net, so I can get them out of the huge bin and get the bin out of her room, I also got some screws for the toy shelf...but the ones I got are too big. I went to toss the toys in the toy net and got to the bottom of the bin, only to find the sheet that was draped across the stairs the morning I found that he'd taken off with her I'm not sure how much longer I can take her not being here with me. If I were to just end it all today, it would take a few days to notice that I'm not alive anymore...I live alone. It's not like when he took off with her that I was there to notice they were gone. I just want this hurt and pain to go away...I'm done with it.

busy, weird, and some rambling...

Wow! This quarter has had me pretty busy...between school work (most of my time) and some personal business, this quarter is flying by. I'm just hoping the next few weeks don't drag on, dead week and finals week. I finally got my name change official :) as of two weeks ago...I didn't go with the original planned name, I did an entire name change. I went with Asher Quinn M. (for privacy reasons I'm not putting my full last name). I got almost everything taken care of pertaining to my name change...just my cell phone bill is being a pain. The night before my name change became finalized, my mother decided to call me...was an interesting conversation - we talked on the phone for nearly an hour about my being transgender and my name change...both of which they're actually now okay with both. I almost dropped my phone when my mother told me that they were okay with me being transgender, the people who kicked me out for almost three months when I came out to them about being gay (or so I thought) in high school. Now they're suddenly okay with it?!?!? My family confuses me. I love them, but they confuse me.

Ok...different subject (entirely)...

I keep having these weird dreams, I can't explain them at all...I'm post surgery and instead of being with a female, which is what I'm attracted to...I'm with another guy. I'm not talking casually with him, we're very intimate in this dream. I can't explain, nor do I understand, why I'm having sex with another guy in this dream. This is something I wish that I could understand, because then it would, likely, explain a few other things that I'm having to "deal with" lately. I'm not sure if it is the hormones or what...I'm trying to figure out if the hormones can change my way of thinking that much??? I know that they change some of your physical appearances and such, but can they change your thought patterns? If not, then this is the weirdest series of dreams that I have ever experienced.

Hopeful

My week has gone pretty well...I found out that I got an "A" on both of my writing assignments for my religion class and I got an "A" and a "B" on my two quizzes for my psych class. I'm pretty proud of myself. And I'm staying caught up and am holding a "B", so far, in my math class. I had a quiz in my math and psych classes this week, I think I did okay on them...but we'll see when I get them back. There was stuff on the psych test that I couldn't remember but I'm confident I did we'll on it here's hoping. I figure as long as I go into my test with a positive attitude, I'll do we'll on the test, I just hope this concept works.

Week 1 Winter Quarter '13

First week of Winter Quarter went well, I found out on Wednesday that I passed my math class from last quarter. I'm just hoping I didn't take more than I can handle with my classes, but I'm sure I'll do fine...just as long as I can keep up with all of the reading for two of my classes. Yesterday my math professor - who knows I'm genetically female, because I had him last quarter - called me "sir" yesterday and when he corrected himself I told him that "sir" is fine. I got one of those o_O looks, where he clearly wasn't sure why I said that, I'm debating on explaining to him why. Though I'm unsure if I should or just leave it as it is. Eh. I also got called "sir" by my religion professor three times this week :) I'm not even going to correct him, I want to see how long he uses male pronouns when referring to me.
My transition, with the testosterone injections, is going well (I think). My having to shave a week and a half ago was interesting...but the hair is finally (slowly) growing back, and its darker than it was before :) I might have to shave again in a week or so, which will be cool. I'm just waiting to shave again, to see how long it takes to grow in somemore and how dark the hair is. I'm having to watch my temper quite a bit more lately...there are days that I take an alternate rout to class, so I can avoid too many people. I had one guy accidentally bump into me and I was ready to deck him, and then when I was at the student activity center (SAC) one guy changed the channel to basketball and I nearly hit him as well, I ended up having to leave. I don't like feeling this way. I still have just under 2 months before I see the shrink about my medication, though I may see my PCP about upping one of my medications. I know that the testosterone injections are part of the aggression/anger issues, but I was told that my medication may need to be adjusted because of it. Which, at this point, I'm fine with...
I have Bug this weekend, yay!!! Though I think she's pretty tired, because she's usually out of bed by now. Eh. I'm letting her sleep, she likely needs it. Though I feel bad, because I'm going to have to work on my homework while she's here...again. I'm going to have to, next month, try to get all of my homework done before she comes for her visit. Or atleast most of it.

Life is good.

God loves me for who I am and where I'm at in my journey...
and if other people don't, then oh well.

Awesomeness

The beginning of this week started off pretty stressful, not knowing if I was going to make financial clearence or not. I had to get my math grade up from last quarter from a "IF" (incomplete "F") to a "C"...which meant catching up on all of my homework assignments from last quarter, which I did over Christmas break, and my quizzes. Down fall...I got locked out of the system and couldn't do my quizzes online. I had to get in touch with my professor and get a printed copy of each of the missing quizzes. I finally got them yesterday, and sat down for almost 5 hours to get them all done (my brain felt like mush by the time I was done). After finishing them, I had to wait until today to find out if I scored high enough to get my grade up. I showed up to the class to talk to my professor to find out if I needed to re-do any of the quizzes...he got to the class and asked me if I'd received his email, when I told him "no" he then told me that I'd passed the class. I went directly from the class to student finance to get my financial clearance finalized. I've been on "Cloud 9" over that all day. To top that off...this week I've been called "sir" twice, so far, from my religion professor - which is AWESOME!!! It's made my day each time he's done that. I ran into one of the gals that I used to work for yesterday and she'd commented that my voice has gotten deeper since last time she saw me (which was a week or two before winter break)...even more awesomeness :)

Life Is Good!!!

Stress

Things have been like a roller coaster ride lately...I had Bug for a good portion of my winter break, which was nice. I just feel bad because part of that time, I just didn't want to deal with people and so we stayed home and didn't do anything. I'm having to readjust to being back on the testosterone, and I'm on a lower dosage as well....I'm sure it won't take much time to readjust, I'm just wondering what effect the lower dosage will have, if any. Last week I spent three days (totaling ten hours) with a math tutor, and then three hours today catching up on homework assignments and quizzes for my math class from last quarter. Originally I was being given until this coming Monday, I managed to get a few extra days because of the fact that my quizzes have to be proctored. I'm hopeful that I'm able to get my grade up to at least a "C" by getting all this stuff done...otherwise it'll be time wasted. I averaged about a 95% on all of my homework, and have been averaging (approximately) a 70% on my quizzes, but homework and quizzes only account for a cumulative 30% of my grade...I'm praying that my final turned out to be a higher score than my other tests. Math is definitely not my best subject. I'm told, however, that the one math course that I have to take for my major, I might do better in...I just have to make it through the last 1/2 of the one I'm working on. I'm debating on taking a quarter off from math, but at the same time I'm worried that if I do, I'll forget what I've been working on. If I take it, I'll have to wait another year before finishing my general psychology series. *sigh* this is frustrating. I'm trying to get my general studies classes knocked out, but at the same time I'm trying to get my classes for my major knocked out as well. Aaaaaggggghhhhhhh...... This quarter is going to drive me nuts...oh wait, too late. ;) lol

....anyways. My brother suggested, a few days ago, that I shave...which had that suggestion come out of anyone else, would have been embarrassing. Gotta' love his bluntness. Which I did end up shaving and now my upper-lip feels naked...it's weird. I hope that it grows back soon. I'm sure that when it does, it'll likely be darker :) - it just seems to be taking forever to grow back (btw, it's only been two days). My new year's resolution is to be who myself, regardless to what people around me (friends and family included) think...I've gotten so tired of "tap-dancing" around other people's comfort levels. I need to do what makes me happy, which is being myself. This is not going to be an easy resolution to keep, but with going one day at a time...I'll be able to fulfill it.


"Above all else; to thin own self be true..." ~William Shakespeare