Keep Pushing On

Well, this week has been an interesting one...I managed to sell the table, only to find out that it was worth way more than I sold it for. Oh well...I got it sold and that's what I'm most concerned about. I finally got into my storage unit, after 2 days of complaining about having a lock on it, only to find that whomever had lived in my apartment before me left a bunch of their junk in the storage unit. After it taking me two days to clear it all out, I ended up with some pretty cool stuff that I can use. I found some video games that I was able to sell (for way less than they were worth, but I needed the money) and between what I already had, selling the table, and the video games...I ended up with just enough to buy my train ticket for next week. Now all I have to do is come up with the money for Ali's train ticket and gas money for my brother that I'll be staying with while I'm out there. That's about another $75-$100. Oi! I've had two people, now, email me about the washer and dryer...yet neither want to email me back about when they want to come see them. This is frustrating. If I could just sell those two items...
I finally got to talk to Ali after ten days of not hearing from her...I miss her so much. It's getting hard to talk to her and not cry. I looked in my notebook, and so far I've literally only spoke with her for the equivilence of one week since she's been gone...and she's been gone for going on four weeks. By the time the court date comes up, it'll of been a month since I've seen her. This is...*sigh* pissing me off, and I hate being angry.
I tried to work on Ali's room, by myself earlier this week, and ended up getting upset and pissed...to the point of throwing things down the stairs. I ended up in complete tears, I was ready to hang myself...I couldn't take it anymore. Its still hard. I've been trying to stay in the "right frame of mind" but it's hard to do. I'm resisting cutting or any type of SI behavior. With always having that on the back of my mind and having to remember that even though the temptation is there, I can't act on it. The one thing that keeps me going is the fact that I love my daughter, and I know she loves me as well...I just have to remember that at the very least.

Miracle?

Well, I learned that I can't spend a lot of time at one time in Ali's room trying to get it packed. I tried to get the rest knocked out yesterday morning (by myself), so that I could get it cleaned and her bathroom cleaned...I had a complete breakdown. I, mentally, could not handle it. I was ready to give up on everything...after all this time of being able to push those feelings back. I can't handle them, and I need to keep myself in control...I can't let him win. I'm not sure where I'm going to get the money to catch the train for the court date, but I'm sure I'll, somehow, come up with it. I just hope that it's not last minute. I also have to make sure that I have the money to get Ali back here, just in case I do get her back...God I wish I could just come up with it by Thursday, so that I can get my ticket ordered. As much as I don't want to, I may have to go up to the church, yet again, to get their help. I don't want to have to ask them for financial help again, because I just got their help two weeks ago with my deposit on the apartment. *Sigh* I don't know what else to do. I've contemplated robbing a bank (just kidding). I can't ask my family. I've got about $75...which isn't even enough to get a one way ticket. Round trip is about $70. I need about another $100 plus money to give my brother for gas. So, about another $120...I'd have to sell the washer and dryer set and the table to get that much. Though I'd prefer to be able to sell the xbox...that would give me enough to pay for my ticket and put some money towards my tuition. If I sold all 3...that would be awesome!!! Doubtful, but awesome. I need prayer for a miracle of some sort.

Thinking

Its weird, when I sit down and talk to my brother...he pretty much always has my mind going, thinking about something. He, some how, always seems to be in a decent mood and is able to lift mine up just by being around him. Then there are the days that, only a few hours later, my mom calls and rips me apart. I just don't understand the woman. I try to "tip-toe" around her, so that I don't upset or offend her...yet there's nothing I can do about it. I swear the woman is bipolar. She's, right now, swinging from a high to a low...and I'm getting the brunt of it. Shit! Love her to death...thank God I'm as far away from her as I am. I don't have to deal with her mood swings constantly. She gets mean when she's in a low. Yiesh!!! I'm starting to wonder how I made it through my teen years with her. Could explain her kicking me out when I first "came out" to her and my step-dad. Love them to death. They wonder why I'm in counseling. Oi!
Now that I went on my little rant.
This time my brother got me thinking about porn...go freakin' figure. He'd asked me why I'm "turned off" by m/f porn...I told him that I don't know. Walking home, I think that I figured it out, the times that I did see m/f porn was when in h.s and it was really crappy amateur stuff. So, I'd only had a few experiences with it and since then all I've seen was f/f. Seeing that I have to use the school's wifi service, I can't exactly look much up. Even with it being my own personal computer, everything is freakin' blocked. This city has nothing...not even a REAL bookstore. A Barnes & Noble or Borders bookstore would be so awesome to see out here....but NOOOOO....of course not! There's no newsstand to buy magazines. It's like this podunk area doesn't know what the real world is. What I wouldn't give to be able to go to a real bookstore or newsstand, where I can actually get a magazine or have a decent choice of what I want to get. Not all this censored b.s.
Okay, so now that I've gone on two rants in a row...things are...well, going. It's been 3 weeks since I've seen Bug, and am hopeful to get to see or (preferably) get her back on the 6th. We'll see. I'm just hopeful to make it out there. I just need to find a bank to rob. Then I'll make it out there...j/k btw on robbing a bank, just frustrated right now. I'm just praying that something...a miracle happens, SOON.

Would I?

I've figured it out, with me living by myself and as quiet of an area I'm in...no one would miss me. It would likely take several days or weeks for anyone to notice me gone. I'm at the point of not caring anymore. I likely won't make it to Seattle/Tacoma area for the court hearing next week and RJ will end up with custody of Bug...it's just I don't have the money to go. The only way I'd have the money to go is if I use the money my mom sends me to keep my phone active and pay my power bill. Even then I'd be short around $40 and wouldn't have money to give my friend for gas, because he's going to be taking me to the court hearing and to the train station. It's frustrating...


Anyways, I doubt anyone would notice my absence or miss me...

Going Crazy

I feel like I'm going to go crazy....oh wait! that's right...too late :P Any whootin' how...I've got almost the entire first floor of the house moved over to the apartment, the stuff that isn't going into storage at least. I'm going to be going over to get the last few things that aren't going into storage later, and get some cleaning done, time pending that is. Tomorrow, I'm going to finish the first floor and try to brave it out and start on Bug's space (the 2nd floor) on my own. I'm not sure how far I'll get with that. I just want to leave it all the way she left it, so that it's the way "she wanted it," but I can't because I'm now in the apartment. I need to get the house finished up SOON. I only have until Friday to finish it up and turn my key in. I need to get the key back from RJ on the 6th, otherwise I get stuck with a $50 fee for them having to re-key the entire house...a fee I'd rather not get hit with. I thought that moving would make things easier, because then I'm not in the house...it hasn't helped one bit, its still too quiet. Today sucks. Perfect weather outside...not too hot or too cold, its perfect weather to go to the park. Something I would have done today if Bug were here. Now granted it wouldn't be the big park RJ would take her to, but we have a cute park close to the apartment that has an open field that we could try to fly her kite in, which I know she'd enjoy attempting...even if we didn't succeed. I'm praying that the judge rules in my favor and has RJ give custody of Bug back over to me. Normally I wouldn't say this, but he doesn't deserve to have custody of her right now. He's staying in a 3 bedroom house with 7 other people, making 9 people total. Then he took off with Bug while I was asleep, what's to say he won't take off again...this time to where I really couldn't find her. Not a risk I want to take. At least if I had custody of her, he'd know where we are. I'm enrolled for school here, so its not like I'm going to up and take off with her. My mom's is the last place I'd go, don't get me wrong...I love my mom, the woman drives me crazy. Why would I stay with someone that drives me nuts??? She constantly asks me why I'm in therapy...one day I'm going to flat out tell her, "partly because of YOU!" But for now, I keep the peace.
>
But in all seriousness...if I don't get Bug back, I don't know what I'll do. She's my world, my life, my baby girl...she's my inspiration to "keep going." Without her...I don't know. I think that RJ knows this...and if he does I pray he doesn't use it against me. He's already pulling the "mentally unstable" card...and past diagnosis that I was given, but what he doesn't know is that I have a letter from my therapist saying that I've been consistent with my weekly sessions and the axis 1 diagnosis that my current psychiatrist has given...which doesn't include what he's claiming. I've been trying to "play nice" this entire time, but apparently "playing nice" doesn't get me anywhere. I hate feeling like I have to be...mean? about this. I'm not sure what emotion to put with this, but that's the one that a lot of people have said I need to be.

I just pray that I come up with the money to get out there one way or another. I need to...somehow.

hate it

I'm hating all of this. I hate the lies that have been put out there. I hate the deception that has been going on since January. I hate that this is all my fault. If I don't come up with the money I need by the end of the week, I'm not going to be able to afford to catch a flight out to SeaTac airport for the first court date. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get to see my daughter soon. It's now been two weeks since I've seen her...the only time I've gone this long without seeing her is when she was at sleep-away camp. *sigh* I hate this feeling. She was my world...it feels like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on. I'm having to move into a smaller place because of all of this, which is a process in itself. Everyone keeps telling me to trust in God, he'll make it to where I come up with what I need...if that were the case, why did RJ take off with Bug without telling me how he felt??? The God I know....*sigh* whatever.

I've not a clue

I'm sitting here trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong? He's...the paperwork I just got delivered to me, it's not him. RJ taking off is not like him, he's not one to just runaway from a problem. He's not like that. Not the RJ I know... When you think you know someone, 11 years we've known eachother...you'd think that I'd know him. I guess I didn't.I don't know what forced him to write these lies about me. You think you know someone. He's trying to hold my mental health issues against me, saying that I'm "unpredictable." I won't lie, yes at one point I was...but that was when I was not on medication or not stable on my medication. I'm now in therapy, stable on my meds (which I have been for a few months now), and am predictable. He also claimed that we'd been "separated" since January...WTF?!?!? Hell, we were still having sex in January...where the hell is he coming up with we were separated (sleeping in different rooms) since January from...is he pulling this shit out of his ass?!?!? I know where he's getting most of these lies, from the bitch and her ex!!!! Fuck 'em!!! He wants the parenting plan he put together...he's going to fight me for it!!! The one I put together has it to where we get her for about the same amount of time. That way she gets to spend 1/2 the time with me 1/2 the time with him. I'm being MORE than generous with the parenting plan I came up with. I don't want this whole issue to drag out or hurt her. She deserves to get to see us for equal amounts of time. Not one majority of the time and the other 3-5 days out of the year...SUPERVISED!!! Screw that noise....AHHHHHHHHH......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn it! I hate feeling like this. I don't like getting angry. I hate it.

Emptiness

I feel so empty inside. That's the best way I can possibly describe how I'm doing. I'm not sure how long I can survive this feeling. I hate it. I thought that I'd never feel this again. I feel like I'm just a shell wondering around this world with no purpose left...I welcome an end. I almost stepped in front of a speeding car, the only reason I didn't is because of Bug. I'm trying to remember that she still needs me, but it's becoming harder and harder to keep going. I have, almost, no desire to "keep going." I wish I could just escape this all...

Lonely

It's now been a week since I've seen Bug and RJ. It's weird, but I miss them both. I'm having to pack everything up, because I need to move into a smaller place. I went to go pack RJ's room up, and unlike most people, I neatly packed RJ's clothes. I figure even though I'm having to use yard waste bags to pack his clothes, it doesn't mean I shouldn't pack his clothes as neatly as I can. Maybe I'm weird, but I still care about him. I feel like I lost my two best friends when he took off. I would give up everything to have them back. I would go as far as denying who I am if it meant them coming back. It's all my fault that they're gone...if I would have continued being the "perfect" housewife and kept my personal life private, then none of this would have happened. I'd still have my family. I haven't spoken to Ali in two days now...I miss hearing her voice, her laugh...just hearing her. As much of a chatter box as she is, I would LOVE to hear her chattering, hell I'd pay to hear her chattering little voice. I wish I wouldn't have fucked things up so much that he felt he had to take off with her. If he'd of just come to me and told me that he couldn't "take it any longer" I would have agreed to a divorce, and we could have worked things out as adults...but instead he had to act like a child and run away. I wish I could fix what I did....

Weird

Well, I don't have internet at home anymore....at least not for a while. Which is fine...makes me fill my day with some way more productive things, and in order for me to go online I have to walk somewhere that I can connect to the campus' free wi-fi. So, I only go out once a day, sometimes every other/few days.

Things lately have been a little weird for me though. The new meds I'm on, I think, are working...I'm having more good days then not. The days that I have "bad" days they seem more intense, but I think that it may be because of the fact that I'm not used to having so many good days...so the "bad" days seem worse than "normal." For me though, a "good" day is pretty much when I don't want to kill myself or cut...emotionally, things are still odd. I'm still not sure how to distinguish one feeling from another, or understand why I'm feeling a certain way. Like this morning I got upset and couldn't understand exactly why I was upset...yeah my appointment got canceled, but that's no reason to get upset. Bummed maybe, but not as upset as I got. Any way, she's supposed to call me next week to re-schedule...so I think I might see her twice next week...not definite. Even if I don't, I'll still see her next Friday. Though if I only see her next Friday, it'll only be for 50 minutes....hopefully we can accomplish what I was hoping to in the 50 minutes. It sucks, the times that I actually know what I want to talk about, my appointment gets canceled...this is the second time that its happened. Oi!

It's odd though...last week we were talking how I feel about the way people treat me b/c of who I am and how the only time it bothers me is when RJ or Bug are with me. I couldn't even admit out loud that I'm transsexual/transgender...I can describe it...or like I said in therapy "you know...me not feeling comfortable in my own skin." But I couldn't say who I really am out loud. I don't understand it. It's like when I first "came out of the closet"...I was a bit ashamed of who I was admitting to being. I thought that there was something wrong with me. I often, still, think that there's something wrong with me...as though I'm defective somehow. God and I have been having a few arguments lately. It's just I don't understand why He made me who I am, female, instead of who I'm meant to be, male...is He mad at me?!?!? Is it just Him showing that He has a sense of humor?!? WHY!?!?! Why me???? I hate who I am!!! I wish that I could be who I was meant to be... It hurts! The way people look at me, treat me, judge me...I hate it! I've had females flirt with me, but it's only because of the fact that they have no clue I'm actually a female myself. If they knew I doubt they would have flirted with me in the first place....stuff like that pisses me off, because I know that I've not a chance of ever truly being happy. RJ's already distanced himself from me to the point that it's weird for me...I didn't think that point would come for a while. There are times that even his words towards me are harsh, like he doesn't care at all. He took his wedding band off, which was my grandfather's, and put it on his key ring. That ticked me off, not him taking off...but him putting it on his key ring. If he was going to take it off, I would have preferred him give it back vs. treating it the way he is.

But over all...things for me have been weird; between my moods, my family life...everything in general. Not that I know what "normal" really is.