Going Crazy

I feel like I'm going to go crazy....oh wait! that's right...too late :P Any whootin' how...I've got almost the entire first floor of the house moved over to the apartment, the stuff that isn't going into storage at least. I'm going to be going over to get the last few things that aren't going into storage later, and get some cleaning done, time pending that is. Tomorrow, I'm going to finish the first floor and try to brave it out and start on Bug's space (the 2nd floor) on my own. I'm not sure how far I'll get with that. I just want to leave it all the way she left it, so that it's the way "she wanted it," but I can't because I'm now in the apartment. I need to get the house finished up SOON. I only have until Friday to finish it up and turn my key in. I need to get the key back from RJ on the 6th, otherwise I get stuck with a $50 fee for them having to re-key the entire house...a fee I'd rather not get hit with. I thought that moving would make things easier, because then I'm not in the house...it hasn't helped one bit, its still too quiet. Today sucks. Perfect weather outside...not too hot or too cold, its perfect weather to go to the park. Something I would have done today if Bug were here. Now granted it wouldn't be the big park RJ would take her to, but we have a cute park close to the apartment that has an open field that we could try to fly her kite in, which I know she'd enjoy attempting...even if we didn't succeed. I'm praying that the judge rules in my favor and has RJ give custody of Bug back over to me. Normally I wouldn't say this, but he doesn't deserve to have custody of her right now. He's staying in a 3 bedroom house with 7 other people, making 9 people total. Then he took off with Bug while I was asleep, what's to say he won't take off again...this time to where I really couldn't find her. Not a risk I want to take. At least if I had custody of her, he'd know where we are. I'm enrolled for school here, so its not like I'm going to up and take off with her. My mom's is the last place I'd go, don't get me wrong...I love my mom, the woman drives me crazy. Why would I stay with someone that drives me nuts??? She constantly asks me why I'm in therapy...one day I'm going to flat out tell her, "partly because of YOU!" But for now, I keep the peace.
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But in all seriousness...if I don't get Bug back, I don't know what I'll do. She's my world, my life, my baby girl...she's my inspiration to "keep going." Without her...I don't know. I think that RJ knows this...and if he does I pray he doesn't use it against me. He's already pulling the "mentally unstable" card...and past diagnosis that I was given, but what he doesn't know is that I have a letter from my therapist saying that I've been consistent with my weekly sessions and the axis 1 diagnosis that my current psychiatrist has given...which doesn't include what he's claiming. I've been trying to "play nice" this entire time, but apparently "playing nice" doesn't get me anywhere. I hate feeling like I have to be...mean? about this. I'm not sure what emotion to put with this, but that's the one that a lot of people have said I need to be.

I just pray that I come up with the money to get out there one way or another. I need to...somehow.