Well, I don't have internet at home anymore....at least not for a while. Which is fine...makes me fill my day with some way more productive things, and in order for me to go online I have to walk somewhere that I can connect to the campus' free wi-fi. So, I only go out once a day, sometimes every other/few days.
Things lately have been a little weird for me though. The new meds I'm on, I think, are working...I'm having more good days then not. The days that I have "bad" days they seem more intense, but I think that it may be because of the fact that I'm not used to having so many good days...so the "bad" days seem worse than "normal." For me though, a "good" day is pretty much when I don't want to kill myself or cut...emotionally, things are still odd. I'm still not sure how to distinguish one feeling from another, or understand why I'm feeling a certain way. Like this morning I got upset and couldn't understand exactly why I was upset...yeah my appointment got canceled, but that's no reason to get upset. Bummed maybe, but not as upset as I got. Any way, she's supposed to call me next week to re-schedule...so I think I might see her twice next week...not definite. Even if I don't, I'll still see her next Friday. Though if I only see her next Friday, it'll only be for 50 minutes....hopefully we can accomplish what I was hoping to in the 50 minutes. It sucks, the times that I actually know what I want to talk about, my appointment gets canceled...this is the second time that its happened. Oi!
It's odd though...last week we were talking how I feel about the way people treat me b/c of who I am and how the only time it bothers me is when RJ or Bug are with me. I couldn't even admit out loud that I'm transsexual/transgender...I can describe it...or like I said in therapy "you know...me not feeling comfortable in my own skin." But I couldn't say who I really am out loud. I don't understand it. It's like when I first "came out of the closet"...I was a bit ashamed of who I was admitting to being. I thought that there was something wrong with me. I often, still, think that there's something wrong with me...as though I'm defective somehow. God and I have been having a few arguments lately. It's just I don't understand why He made me who I am, female, instead of who I'm meant to be, male...is He mad at me?!?!? Is it just Him showing that He has a sense of humor?!? WHY!?!?! Why me???? I hate who I am!!! I wish that I could be who I was meant to be... It hurts! The way people look at me, treat me, judge me...I hate it! I've had females flirt with me, but it's only because of the fact that they have no clue I'm actually a female myself. If they knew I doubt they would have flirted with me in the first place....stuff like that pisses me off, because I know that I've not a chance of ever truly being happy. RJ's already distanced himself from me to the point that it's weird for me...I didn't think that point would come for a while. There are times that even his words towards me are harsh, like he doesn't care at all. He took his wedding band off, which was my grandfather's, and put it on his key ring. That ticked me off, not him taking off...but him putting it on his key ring. If he was going to take it off, I would have preferred him give it back vs. treating it the way he is.
But over all...things for me have been weird; between my moods, my family life...everything in general. Not that I know what "normal" really is.
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