One day?

I hate this, I know who I should be...I
Just stuck in this body, right now I really can't do anything about it...there have been nights that I've fallen asleep in tears because of this. I hate it!!! My therapist told me that there is one doctor, locally, that I can see about going on testosterone. I know that my insurance won't cover it...but it's worth looking into the cost of it. I'm pretty sure that, in time, I may end up getting the surgery. That way my body matches who I'm supposed to be. I've been using the men's room I Walmart lately...no one knows any different, especially if I don't say anything, I just have to be careful here on campus. I've caught myself going into the men's room here on campus...I'd likely get kicked out for that one. *sigh* I wish I could 100% be myself, but on campus, I can't. Sucks!!! I can hear my brother making comments pertaining to Freud and "penis envy"...damn straight! If I had one, my life would be less complicated. I could go to the correct restroom, I could pass for who I'm meant to be, the idea of sex wouldn't be so complicated, more people I know would treat me like "one of the guys" without it being so awkward, (I think) it would be easier for people (ie; my brother and his family) to refer to me as "he", and others to view me as "he"...and many other reasons...I'm finally able to discover the real me, yet I STILL can't be myself. What's the point?? If I can't be myself...why try? I don't know??? Maybe it's just all of frustration coming out at one time. I just hope to one day, be able to be the true me.


Someday.