I'm done with it all...

I'm so tired of people. I'm not sure I'm going to return to this school come fall quarter. That way no one wins. They don't win...I don't win. I'm just tired of it all. This week has just proven to me that no matter what I do, no matter how much I speak up, and no matter how much I try...it's not going to make a freaking difference. There's still going to be ignorance, stupidity, and bullying on this "Christian" campus. Especially for the "little guy" who tries to speak up for everyone else. Well, I quit!!! Next week's article in the Collegian, if they even run it at this point, is going to be it for me. I'm done! I'm going back to dressing "normal." I'm going back to trying to hide under my green hooded sweat shirt and just make it from class to class without being noticed. After this quarter, RJ will get the I-Pod back...because he'll look at it as me giving up and quitting school, and maybe I am...but I'd rather stay safe then end up continually getting hurt....this, is the worst I've gotten it since I started last quarter...and the first time I "had" to tell any one...the only reason is because when TJ saw me limping and asked me what happened (I can't seem to lie to his family) I told him, and he told me to go see his dad, my brother...I know damn good and well if I wouldn't of gone to see him, he would have come and found me....especially considering the circumstances. Right now I'm trying to take it easy with my knee...but it's hard without playing 20 questions with RJ...I just keep telling him I hurt it..I don't want to tell him how, because I know and have seen his temper. Right now my knee hurts so bad though it's up to my lower back...I hate this...I wish I could have seen the people/person who pushed me...so I could kick his/her/their ass(es) myself...I have a high pain tolerance especially with my knee...but this hurts...I'm hoping the pain goes away by Monday, so I can make it to my classes okay. I have however decided I'm going to tell my one professor that seems to actually give a damn about me...about what happened but I told him, via email, that it's something I need to tell him face to face. I'm going to have to make sure that he also knows that it's being taken care of as well, when he and I talk. I'm just so tired of all of this shit...I'm done with it...

What's Wrong WIth Me????

Ok...I think I've got it down...if I've missed anything by some odd chance...let me know :)

I hate who and what I am...

I've gotten to hate who I am...a lesbian. I wish I could change that one part of me the most. I wish I knew how to. Is there a pill, a liquid medication, or a potion that will make me not who I am??? I hate me. I feel alone, though I know I'm not. It's hard some days...I don't know if it's because of the way I'm treated or the fact that I feel lonely. I sometimes go as far as having sex with RJ...and yet it changes nothing. It just hurts me more (inside). It's all just a facade of the me I, often, wish I could change. I still get treated like the Black Plague. I know that dressing the way I do doesn't help, it just puts a huge bulls-eye on me. But the only other thing I can do is dress like I did last quarter and keep my head down in hopes that no one will notice me. That's not who I am. But the me I am gets tormented on almost a daily basis. I'm afraid for not only myself but my daughter as well. Once people find out that she's the daughter of a "queer" she'll never get treated "normally" again. I try to dress "normally" when I have to go to her school, so to keep up that facade that she lives in a "normal" family. Even though she doesn't. Why can't I just be straight? For her sake. I know that if I play the straight person that I have for the past several years, I'll be more miserable than I am now. Then again, if I do it'll be easier for our "family."

Okay, I was just amazed...RJ asked Bug what the difference between him and I are...very bluntly, "Mom's gay, you're not." Can you say WOW!!! My own kid shocked me. I then asked her, "Are you okay with that?" "Well DUH!" I love that little snot. I'm so glad that she knows who I really am and is okay with it. It puts a smile on my face to know that she's okay with me being who I am. Funny thing is, most days she helps me match my shirt and tie. She loves it...but I never thought to put two and two together. She's such a good kid. I asked her if anyone picks on her mom because of me being gay will she sock 'em, "Well I can't because I would have to take a sock off to do it." That's her father talking...she's too funny. I had to show her what I meant by "sock 'em." She just made my day. I love my Bug!!!

One Day At A Time

Things have been tough lately...to say the least. I've been piled up with homework and trying to spend time with family. I feel like I'm being pulled in more directions then I can handle. I manage to keep up with, most of, my school work. On top of that I managed to get an article written for my school's newspaper in only a day. I just need to get it looked at by at least one person to make sure I didn't make any errors or put in unnecessary words or phrases. The only person I trust to do that and not worry about hurting my feelings is my brother. But he's so bogged down with his own homework, I emailed him but I doubt he's going to have time to look at it. I just don't want to turn it in without it being looked at by at least one person. I'm not scared to admit, I am a freshman and I've been out of school for a while, so I do make some common errors in my writing. Though, overall, I'm a good writer...I do make mistakes, I am human after all. But things have been stressful, besides school and all. Emotionally stressful. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm ready to hit a brick wall, the next I'm crying for no reason...I can't control it and I don't like it. I can hear my brother right now, "One day at a time." But I'm tired of always feeling like crap...I'm tired of people treating me like I'm some sort of disease. I try to be nice, cordial, and polite to everyone. I've started greeting people as I walk by them and they still seem to act like I'm not there. It's like I'm nothing to anyone. I try so hard not to let it get it to me. I manage to hold it all in until I get home, that way the only people that see me cry or get upset is RJ and Bug...even then they don't understand. I tried so hard this week not to cut but I got to the point where I wasn't "feeling" anything and I needed to know that I'm still alive, a part of this world. I can hear my brother (again), "One day at a time." I'm just wanting for that one day to come where I can "feel" things correctly, to be able to handle anger, sadness, and all correctly without wanting to hit a brick wall or crying over nothing. I want to be "normal"!!!! I hate feeling like some sort of "freak." I'm now on about 5 or 6 medications that I take at different points of the day in hope that I'll be able to feel "normal" and to get my moods in check. Fuck it all!!! Just find one or two that will make me "feel" and be "normal" not a freakin' cocktail of medication. The doctor prescribed me two new ones this week and the day that I started taking 'em I puked...I couldn't keep food down. So now they've got me on this test run of taking one for 3 days and if I don't get sick I'll start the 2nd one to see which one it was or if it was putting me on both at one time that was making me sick....I feel like a freakin' lab rat. I'm at the point I will only see two people there, the doctor that does my meds and the one nurse that actually listens to me. I refuse to see anyone else at the clinic. I'm so sick of everyone else there. I'm sick of all of this. Why couldn't of just been born "normal" like everyone else???? I hate this. I hate myself!!!

Krystle

My Dearest Krystle,

It's been sixteen years, and I still miss you so terribly...why you and not me as well? I miss you so so much. Today, I don't cut for you...because I know it would sadden you. I tried to keep it together this morning, but I couldn't...I got sick like I've done every time since your passing. I can't help but think of you and how your family wouldn't just stay in Baton Rouge. There were and are wonderful doctors there. To this day I don't think they wanted us together. We had our plans set out, you were going to be an artist and I was going to be a teacher and a writer.But all that was taken from us. I can't go to class today, because I keep getting sick...I wish He'd just take me away so that I can be with you. I loved you so much. I'd of given the world to you if I could. We had so much planned ahead of us...then it was all taken away from us. No one understands the love I had for you...no one understands why this day every year, I can't seem to do anything...if I do, I get sick. I want to push away the pain and the sorrow, but it's SO hard. I feel like if I do, I'll be forgetting you...I don't ever want to forget you and how absolutely beautiful you were. I wish I could be there in heaven with you.

Love You Always-

Danielle "Danni"

Forever Alone

As each breaking day goes by
I pack up my books for class
And I walk alone
I get to my first class
Eager to learn new things
Yet I sit alone
The class ends and I'm
Off to my next one
hoping not to be late
Yet I walk alone
Time flies and the class
Ends just in time
For lunch
I make my way down
To the SAC
Yet I walk alone
I pick out my lunch
I look around hoping
To see someone
Someone I know
Yet no luck
So, I sit alone
I finish in time
To make it to my
Last class early
I find a seat
Just before
Everyone piles
In and everyone
Everyone gets
Their seat
Yet, I sit alone
All alone

...Forever Alone

All alone

Okay I know this is probably going to sound ridiculous, but RJ left for school and now Bug is off to school ...and now I feel all alone. Like they've left me for good, yeah I've had people come in and out of my life...but not people I care about. Right now it feels like I have no one. Like I mentioned, silly sounding...it feels like the only one who cares is the dog...cause he's been next to me for the last 30 minutes...at least he cares.

Interesting Day

Well, today was an interesting day...my Professor, Professor Egbert, had me volunteer some of my time today to speak in front of one of his other psych classes about who I really am. That was rather interesting, but all in the same it was cool because I didn't hold back on anything. Which was something I'm not used to...I put myself out of my normal comfort zone...it was COOL!!! I'm glad that I'm able to be myself without the restrictions of who I really am. The thing I figured out over the last week or two...instead of getting mad at the people who wrong me by disrespecting me, those are the people who I pray for the most. Those are the ones that need prayer the most. I've learned SO much these past few weeks, I'm amazed at myself. I'm finally coming out of my skin and feeling comfortable with who/what I am and what I represent as an individual. It's GREAT. Yeah, I do still have my bad days, and I believe I will continue to have them until they get me on the right mix of medication...then my uncontrollable bad days will eventually become fewer and fewer. I've also come to terms with the fact that I am Bipolar with BPD and at times Narcissistic...but it's part of me. It doesn't define me, I won't allow it to define who I am as a person.

Oh, and to top my day off...found out that an article that I had written just before Spring Break is getting published in my school's paper, The Collegian, this week!!! YAY!! Granted it will be in the "Letters to the Editor, part...but at least it's getting published.

I've also decided that by skipping my appointment tomorrow, it will do me no good...and it won't help me in anyway what-so-ever. So, I'm going in hopes to see the psychiatrist soon...so that I can hopefully start (mentally) getting better... :)

God loves me for who and what I am no matter what people say. :)
I LOVE me for who and what I am and don't give a crap about what people may say!!!

Didn't Last Long

Okay, so I got an "industrial piercing" a few weeks ago hoping that the pain from that would subside my need (because of stress and other things) for cutting. It lasted for a while, but not long enough. I tried to ignore the urges I was having, and again...it worked for a while. But, last week just put everything over the top...I'm now scared to go to class because of the way I've been treated so far this quarter. I know that I shouldn't let it get to me...but it's hard to ignore. I love the fact that I can be who I am when I want to be...but I hate the fact that because of it, I'm treated like crap. Most, if not all, of my classes no one ever wants to sit next to me...as if my gayness is contagious or something. It's not like I'm carrying something like the black plague or anything. You can't catch homosexuality by sitting next to me or touching me. If that were the case there would be a whole LOT more gay/lesbians around here...as humorous that is to even think about. I'm not happy about what I (have to) do to make myself grounded or emotionally be able to somewhat "feel" again. But it's what I know...it's what (somewhat) works. I feel I have to, because it's all I have.

I'm supposed to have this stupid "intake appointment" this coming Tuesday, but I'm not going to go. I'd rather go to my classes then some stupid appointment. Not like they can help me any more then Pat can. I'm just so sick of people bouncing me around from doctor to doctor, just because I'm "beyond their abilities" when it comes to medicating me. If he'd just leave what works alone, get me off of what's not working (when all it does is make me sleep all freakin' day, and up the meds that seem to be working...everything would be ok. I was just starting to trust Pat, and then he pushes me off to some one else...a psychiatrist none the less, after I expressively told him I don't like or trust psychiatrists. I'm just not going to go to any of my freakin' appointments anymore...they all want to push me off to someone else and it seems like this constant "changing of the guards" and no one seems to give a shit.

I'm just going to stick with what works...and leave it at that. If I cut too deep or to close to a vein then whatever...I don't give a crap anymore.

I'm not going to that stupid appointment...they can't make me!!!

Sadness

Today sucked! That and people have not freakin' manners at this school. So, as part of an experiment in one of my Psych classes...I spent the week, each class switching where I sat to see if it mattered where I sat. To see if the seat next to me continued to be one of the last or even the last seat in the class to be filled. Next we're going to test a theory to see if it matters how I dress, and see it continues...so next week...I have to dress "straight." Only problem...I'm not sure if I own enough clothes to pull that off. We'll see. Then we're going to do kind of a presentation. My professor said that he wouldn't do it if I didn't okay it. I'm actually kinda' looking forward to it. If I can just live through the torment that I get each class period. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't almost all of my classes that are like that. I try SO hard not to let it get to me...but some days that are harder than others. I manage to "keep it together" until I get home. This entire week, the instant I walk through the door and then break down into tears. I don't know how I manage to make it through the day feeling the way I do...and putting up with the harassment from entire classes the way I do. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow, I may see if she can write me a note for my two classes...I don't think I can handle going to class tomorrow. I feel like I'm about to have a complete mental breakdown. My appointment is just before my first class of the day. I've gone through so much stress this week...I don't think I can handle much more this week...I've never gone through a week like this. I need a break. I know that God loves me for who and what I am...but the way these "Christian" students act around me and treat me often makes me wonder. I know that "they're human" but a bunch of the students in one of my Psych classes are theology majors, they treat me the worst....*sigh* I feel like I'm mentally spinning out of control just waiting to hit bottom and completely snap.

The man upstairs is loosing it...

So, I've been doing a lot of discussions with God because of the fact that emotionally I've been feeling like my life has been spinning out of control. It's been really hard on me, lately, emotionally...and I've no clue how to keep myself pulled together. I've been putting up this facade for so long I'm not sure how much longer I can continue doing it. I've had several occasions that I've had to walk out of my class for no apparent reason. I'm not used to actually crying, I don't like it. God keeps telling me that it's something that I need to do in order to "get better." Personally I think He's nuts...but again, my personal opinion. My doctor here on campus referred me to a psychiatrist after me making it quite clear that I don't like psychiatrists. I was praying one night to please not make me go to the psychiatrist to make it all a mistake, the next day I get a call to make an intake appointment...REALLY NOW!?!?!? God's getting this sick sense of humor with me. Well, at least he hasn't thrown me down any stairs lately :) I guess it's because I'm actually listening to Him now.

About a week ago I was praying about my schooling, because I was having trouble keeping up with all my classes...then I suddenly heard this deep laugh...and then He told me that I'm not done yet and that I've got a much further way to go before I'm done...so I told Him that I knew that I have about 7 years before I finish my Masters degree. Next thing I knew it he continued to laugh...and He said "No you don't"...and then He got quiet. I look forward to see what He's go planned for me. Lately it's been quit interesting...good interesting.

Today has been a good day for me, which is one of those rare things for me...especially lately. I'm just glad to have a good day and feel, slightly, under control of my emotions. I feel good. I've been able to work on not only my assignments that are due tomorrow, but my ones that are due on Thursday as well. *Sigh* I hope the rest of my week goes this well.


"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."

I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say!!!

My Teacher Is NUTS!

Okay, so I've come to the conclusion that my English teacher is out of her mind...she assings us these papers to write, and she wants us to do a rough draft and then type them up...yet she makes us do 12 point font double spaced, on top of that we can't go over a page and a half. Is she NUTS or something?!?!? Most of my writing for the assignments that she's been giving at the format she's making us do are over 3 pages sometimes 4...which means I have to cut my paper down BIG TIME! Does she not realize this is College NOT High School??? Geees....I was writing page and a half papers at single space 11 point font in High School...give me a break here...I already know that once I start going for my Masters degree I'm going to have to write longer papers...but my gosh...I can't even start to prepare myself at this pace...heck I'm using words in my papers that most of the kids in my class have likely never even read. This is going to be interesting when I hand my paper in this time. Last paper I had to use 11 point font and 1 1/2 space just to keep it at 1 1/2 pages...needless to say I got a perfect score on it. I'm going to ask her tomorrow if I can keep at 11 point font w/1 1/2 spacing because of the length of my papers. Worst she can say is "no". But I'm half tempted to switch classes, because I can't even begin to get creative with my writing if she's going to keep at these requirements. I know that she's got to realize by now I love to write...and that it's hard for me to stay within her restrictions. I can pretty much write about anything she's been putting in front of me and come up with over the "limit" she's set upon us. I just wish I had a way or a class that would allow me to be a bit more creative in my writing with less restrictions. My writing is my outlet on life...it's the only thing I have that I don't have to think about how I really feel...and now I feel like I'm being stuck in these restrictions that are hard for me to stick to because of my love my devotion to my writing....I'm going to go nuts....as if I'm not crazy enough...this woman is driving me to the edge with her restrictions.


"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."

I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...(I think)