Didn't Last Long

Okay, so I got an "industrial piercing" a few weeks ago hoping that the pain from that would subside my need (because of stress and other things) for cutting. It lasted for a while, but not long enough. I tried to ignore the urges I was having, and again...it worked for a while. But, last week just put everything over the top...I'm now scared to go to class because of the way I've been treated so far this quarter. I know that I shouldn't let it get to me...but it's hard to ignore. I love the fact that I can be who I am when I want to be...but I hate the fact that because of it, I'm treated like crap. Most, if not all, of my classes no one ever wants to sit next to me...as if my gayness is contagious or something. It's not like I'm carrying something like the black plague or anything. You can't catch homosexuality by sitting next to me or touching me. If that were the case there would be a whole LOT more gay/lesbians around here...as humorous that is to even think about. I'm not happy about what I (have to) do to make myself grounded or emotionally be able to somewhat "feel" again. But it's what I know...it's what (somewhat) works. I feel I have to, because it's all I have.

I'm supposed to have this stupid "intake appointment" this coming Tuesday, but I'm not going to go. I'd rather go to my classes then some stupid appointment. Not like they can help me any more then Pat can. I'm just so sick of people bouncing me around from doctor to doctor, just because I'm "beyond their abilities" when it comes to medicating me. If he'd just leave what works alone, get me off of what's not working (when all it does is make me sleep all freakin' day, and up the meds that seem to be working...everything would be ok. I was just starting to trust Pat, and then he pushes me off to some one else...a psychiatrist none the less, after I expressively told him I don't like or trust psychiatrists. I'm just not going to go to any of my freakin' appointments anymore...they all want to push me off to someone else and it seems like this constant "changing of the guards" and no one seems to give a shit.

I'm just going to stick with what works...and leave it at that. If I cut too deep or to close to a vein then whatever...I don't give a crap anymore.

I'm not going to that stupid appointment...they can't make me!!!