I hate who and what I am...

I've gotten to hate who I am...a lesbian. I wish I could change that one part of me the most. I wish I knew how to. Is there a pill, a liquid medication, or a potion that will make me not who I am??? I hate me. I feel alone, though I know I'm not. It's hard some days...I don't know if it's because of the way I'm treated or the fact that I feel lonely. I sometimes go as far as having sex with RJ...and yet it changes nothing. It just hurts me more (inside). It's all just a facade of the me I, often, wish I could change. I still get treated like the Black Plague. I know that dressing the way I do doesn't help, it just puts a huge bulls-eye on me. But the only other thing I can do is dress like I did last quarter and keep my head down in hopes that no one will notice me. That's not who I am. But the me I am gets tormented on almost a daily basis. I'm afraid for not only myself but my daughter as well. Once people find out that she's the daughter of a "queer" she'll never get treated "normally" again. I try to dress "normally" when I have to go to her school, so to keep up that facade that she lives in a "normal" family. Even though she doesn't. Why can't I just be straight? For her sake. I know that if I play the straight person that I have for the past several years, I'll be more miserable than I am now. Then again, if I do it'll be easier for our "family."

Okay, I was just amazed...RJ asked Bug what the difference between him and I are...very bluntly, "Mom's gay, you're not." Can you say WOW!!! My own kid shocked me. I then asked her, "Are you okay with that?" "Well DUH!" I love that little snot. I'm so glad that she knows who I really am and is okay with it. It puts a smile on my face to know that she's okay with me being who I am. Funny thing is, most days she helps me match my shirt and tie. She loves it...but I never thought to put two and two together. She's such a good kid. I asked her if anyone picks on her mom because of me being gay will she sock 'em, "Well I can't because I would have to take a sock off to do it." That's her father talking...she's too funny. I had to show her what I meant by "sock 'em." She just made my day. I love my Bug!!!