One Day At A Time

Things have been tough lately...to say the least. I've been piled up with homework and trying to spend time with family. I feel like I'm being pulled in more directions then I can handle. I manage to keep up with, most of, my school work. On top of that I managed to get an article written for my school's newspaper in only a day. I just need to get it looked at by at least one person to make sure I didn't make any errors or put in unnecessary words or phrases. The only person I trust to do that and not worry about hurting my feelings is my brother. But he's so bogged down with his own homework, I emailed him but I doubt he's going to have time to look at it. I just don't want to turn it in without it being looked at by at least one person. I'm not scared to admit, I am a freshman and I've been out of school for a while, so I do make some common errors in my writing. Though, overall, I'm a good writer...I do make mistakes, I am human after all. But things have been stressful, besides school and all. Emotionally stressful. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm ready to hit a brick wall, the next I'm crying for no reason...I can't control it and I don't like it. I can hear my brother right now, "One day at a time." But I'm tired of always feeling like crap...I'm tired of people treating me like I'm some sort of disease. I try to be nice, cordial, and polite to everyone. I've started greeting people as I walk by them and they still seem to act like I'm not there. It's like I'm nothing to anyone. I try so hard not to let it get it to me. I manage to hold it all in until I get home, that way the only people that see me cry or get upset is RJ and Bug...even then they don't understand. I tried so hard this week not to cut but I got to the point where I wasn't "feeling" anything and I needed to know that I'm still alive, a part of this world. I can hear my brother (again), "One day at a time." I'm just wanting for that one day to come where I can "feel" things correctly, to be able to handle anger, sadness, and all correctly without wanting to hit a brick wall or crying over nothing. I want to be "normal"!!!! I hate feeling like some sort of "freak." I'm now on about 5 or 6 medications that I take at different points of the day in hope that I'll be able to feel "normal" and to get my moods in check. Fuck it all!!! Just find one or two that will make me "feel" and be "normal" not a freakin' cocktail of medication. The doctor prescribed me two new ones this week and the day that I started taking 'em I puked...I couldn't keep food down. So now they've got me on this test run of taking one for 3 days and if I don't get sick I'll start the 2nd one to see which one it was or if it was putting me on both at one time that was making me sick....I feel like a freakin' lab rat. I'm at the point I will only see two people there, the doctor that does my meds and the one nurse that actually listens to me. I refuse to see anyone else at the clinic. I'm so sick of everyone else there. I'm sick of all of this. Why couldn't of just been born "normal" like everyone else???? I hate this. I hate myself!!!