It's been a while....

Wow! I was just looking at the date stamp on the last post I did here and it's been a while...I've been so busy lately I haven't had a lot of time to slow down. I think yesterday (a bit of the day) and this morning, is (or is it are???) the first...oh crap I can't figure out how to word what I want to say. Which is actually sad, because I work for my school's newspaper. But there are times not everyone can figure out how to put what they want to say into words. But anyhow. I'm at least able to slow down for a little bit today (or at least until the library opens). I can't believe finals are in just two weeks. Oi! Where has the time gone??? I've been up here for about six months and it feels like WAY less than that. It's amazing how fast time flies by when life's got you so busy you can't really stop or slow down enough to really enjoy much of it. It's actually sad. We've been up here all this time and haven't left the area...we've not been able to really go out and do much of anything as a family. Heck we've only been able to go to the park a few times, because I get so swamped with one thing or another...it's still kinda' weird for me...being back in school. You'd figure by now I'd of adjusted to it...but of course not. Thankfully this quarter I finally got my adviser changed to someone in the Psych Dept that way I've got someone who actually knows what they're doing. When I switched...he actually asked me why I was taking the two Psych classes I am, being a freshman (especially being in only my second quarter). When I explained to him that my other adviser suggested them...the look on his face pretty much said it all. But, I'm (for the most part) working my butt off just to make sure that I pass both of them...I know already that I'm going to pass my English class, because I asked my teacher if I pass the "take home part" but "bomb" the in class part will I still pass? Apparently I have a high enough grade that it would land me with at the least part a low "B" or a high "C." Needless to say...this quarter for that class I pretty much failed every test, but nailed every writing assignment. Go figure?!?!? I can write, but can't remember squat when it comes to tests. I try to tell my teachers...have me write a paper on a person or subject pertaining to that class, vs memorizing stuff for a test and I'll nail the paper but I'm not good at memorizing stuff. I guess I've never been good at memorizing things that I didn't think that in the "long run" I would need to know. I guess it's just a weird habit I picked up in high school.


Anyhow, I'm just better at writing. It's always been my strong point...though I'm now learning a new form, one I haven't done in YEARS (and it's different than the way I was taught)...research papers. ICK! Thankfully; due to medication issues that I was having, before I chose to take myself off everything, my professor gave me a slight extension on my research paper...so it's actually a good thing because I've not been feeling good for the last few days. Now that I'm feeling a bit better, I get to spend my day at the library playing catchup on stuff for my finals...well, I guess at least I'm feeling well enough to do that and smart enough to know that if I start not feeling good to head back home. I just hope that I'm able to get most of the stuff done that I go there with the intention of doing done. I know what order I'm going to work on things, which is a plus...I guess that's a good place to start...and some of the work I know approximately how long it should take me. I think out of all the stuff I want to get done the only two things I might not (won't) completely finish is the stuff for my two psych classes. I'm going to try to get as much as I can done for both of them...but one of them is 67 questions from and obviously senile old man...though I do believe as crazy as he is, he's my favorite professor this quarter. I think that the priceless part is the fact that he's my also my adviser...hey what can I say? I get along better with people I find to be a little quirky...look at my "brother" :) He's a bit quirky and we get along. I am not afraid to say that I'm a bit on the weird side myself.


I know that being off of my medication things are going to get to be back on the rough side, thankfully I was able to explain it to RJ and Bug and they're already understanding and aware (again) of what to expect. Something I did think of though over the past, not quite even 24 hours, I'm going to have to learn to trust my psychiatrist really fast if I'm going to get put on the correct medication. It's something that I went through when I lived in FL. I had to put my trust in my psychiatrist, at the time, within 2-3 visits, because I had to trust that she knew what she was doing and that she wasn't going to "screw up" with medicating me. Now that I'm in college studying to be a psychologist I know that he knows what he's doing, now I just have to figure out how to trust him. I think that my biggest issue is the fact that my psychiatrist is male and that I've been hurt (physically) so many times by men. But, medication wise I have to trust him otherwise I won't get on the "correct" medication. Talking to my "brother" last night is what got me thinking. Love him so much and every time I talk to him, he manages to make me think about either what I did or something. Yesterday when I spoke with him, he mentioned the possibility of me getting "need" vs "want" mixed up when I chose to go off of all my medication, except one...the damnedest thing is...I think he might be right. At this point, there's no way to tell...I'll admit though, I have a tendency to not think things all the way through (I here it now my "brother" going, "DUH!"). I think I'm going to make that one of my goals from now on; slow down, stop, and think about what I'm doing before I do it (all else fails, ask someone more knowledgeable then me beforehand). At least until my medication is properly adjusted. That and no more taking myself off of medication before consulting my doctor or psychiatrist. Charcoal pills suck!!!

But anyways, I think I've covered most everything "important" that has happened since I last posted...key word "think"

"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say!!
(though I'm still working on believing either of these...it's worth trying)

Why Even?

I don't even know why I even show up to this stupid class...maybe it's just to get my name on the attendance the sheet, who knows. But it's not like the teacher pays a lick of attention to me. He quit paying attention to me when I started having medication issues mid-quarter...when it became apparent I wasn't going to pass the class. It was as though he just gave up on me. Now he just lets me sit in the back of the class and do whatever I want to do and doesn't even care. We have a test coming up next week, which I at least have to take, and he's yet to at least make an attempt to go over any of the information that's going to be on the test with me. I've quit doing any of the online information, because he won't explain any of it to me. I've sent so many emails on the same problem that I quit trying. I'm now stuck having to pay another $1,000 next quarter to take this class, yet again. Yeah, I know it's slightly medication related...but I've watched him spend extra time with one single student and ignore other students as well...so it's not just me. I know that he's just one teacher and most of this is online based but for crying out loud...don't spend all your time on just one student...if there's a few students that need extra help and they're in about the same section, group them together and explain it to them all at one time not just one person at a time...spending 20 minutes on one person (unless it's after class time). I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, because I've heard other students grumble about this after class. I know one student that is going to have to take this next quarter that made the same comment to egbert (we have the same adviser). Next quarter is going to be interesting...hopefully they've got my meds fixed.

....I don't understand....

I don't understand...he wants me to be happy. But, I think that it's just that he wants me to be happy with JUST him and no one else. I was suggested by someone, I don't remember who, to try a dating service...that way I could find someone to at least go out with and have fun with. Someone like myself, besides RJ. Because I'm ALWAYS stuck with him. Lately it feels like I have to ask him if I can go do anything. He's suffocating me. I'm getting tired of it. I don't know what to do. He bought me an I-Pod (he said to replace the one that I lost last quarter and because music helps me focus) and then yesterday he got me an i-tunes card so that I can down load music...it feels like he's trying to buy my happiness...just to keep me with him. I don't know what to think at this point. Then when I asked him about him about the dating service, just so I can find someone to hang out with...he about blew up and said "NO!" I don't get it...I have no friends here....I'm all alone. I guess that's the way he wants me to stay.

I'm done with it all...

I'm so tired of people. I'm not sure I'm going to return to this school come fall quarter. That way no one wins. They don't win...I don't win. I'm just tired of it all. This week has just proven to me that no matter what I do, no matter how much I speak up, and no matter how much I try...it's not going to make a freaking difference. There's still going to be ignorance, stupidity, and bullying on this "Christian" campus. Especially for the "little guy" who tries to speak up for everyone else. Well, I quit!!! Next week's article in the Collegian, if they even run it at this point, is going to be it for me. I'm done! I'm going back to dressing "normal." I'm going back to trying to hide under my green hooded sweat shirt and just make it from class to class without being noticed. After this quarter, RJ will get the I-Pod back...because he'll look at it as me giving up and quitting school, and maybe I am...but I'd rather stay safe then end up continually getting hurt....this, is the worst I've gotten it since I started last quarter...and the first time I "had" to tell any one...the only reason is because when TJ saw me limping and asked me what happened (I can't seem to lie to his family) I told him, and he told me to go see his dad, my brother...I know damn good and well if I wouldn't of gone to see him, he would have come and found me....especially considering the circumstances. Right now I'm trying to take it easy with my knee...but it's hard without playing 20 questions with RJ...I just keep telling him I hurt it..I don't want to tell him how, because I know and have seen his temper. Right now my knee hurts so bad though it's up to my lower back...I hate this...I wish I could have seen the people/person who pushed me...so I could kick his/her/their ass(es) myself...I have a high pain tolerance especially with my knee...but this hurts...I'm hoping the pain goes away by Monday, so I can make it to my classes okay. I have however decided I'm going to tell my one professor that seems to actually give a damn about me...about what happened but I told him, via email, that it's something I need to tell him face to face. I'm going to have to make sure that he also knows that it's being taken care of as well, when he and I talk. I'm just so tired of all of this shit...I'm done with it...

What's Wrong WIth Me????

Ok...I think I've got it down...if I've missed anything by some odd chance...let me know :)

I hate who and what I am...

I've gotten to hate who I am...a lesbian. I wish I could change that one part of me the most. I wish I knew how to. Is there a pill, a liquid medication, or a potion that will make me not who I am??? I hate me. I feel alone, though I know I'm not. It's hard some days...I don't know if it's because of the way I'm treated or the fact that I feel lonely. I sometimes go as far as having sex with RJ...and yet it changes nothing. It just hurts me more (inside). It's all just a facade of the me I, often, wish I could change. I still get treated like the Black Plague. I know that dressing the way I do doesn't help, it just puts a huge bulls-eye on me. But the only other thing I can do is dress like I did last quarter and keep my head down in hopes that no one will notice me. That's not who I am. But the me I am gets tormented on almost a daily basis. I'm afraid for not only myself but my daughter as well. Once people find out that she's the daughter of a "queer" she'll never get treated "normally" again. I try to dress "normally" when I have to go to her school, so to keep up that facade that she lives in a "normal" family. Even though she doesn't. Why can't I just be straight? For her sake. I know that if I play the straight person that I have for the past several years, I'll be more miserable than I am now. Then again, if I do it'll be easier for our "family."

Okay, I was just amazed...RJ asked Bug what the difference between him and I are...very bluntly, "Mom's gay, you're not." Can you say WOW!!! My own kid shocked me. I then asked her, "Are you okay with that?" "Well DUH!" I love that little snot. I'm so glad that she knows who I really am and is okay with it. It puts a smile on my face to know that she's okay with me being who I am. Funny thing is, most days she helps me match my shirt and tie. She loves it...but I never thought to put two and two together. She's such a good kid. I asked her if anyone picks on her mom because of me being gay will she sock 'em, "Well I can't because I would have to take a sock off to do it." That's her father talking...she's too funny. I had to show her what I meant by "sock 'em." She just made my day. I love my Bug!!!

One Day At A Time

Things have been tough lately...to say the least. I've been piled up with homework and trying to spend time with family. I feel like I'm being pulled in more directions then I can handle. I manage to keep up with, most of, my school work. On top of that I managed to get an article written for my school's newspaper in only a day. I just need to get it looked at by at least one person to make sure I didn't make any errors or put in unnecessary words or phrases. The only person I trust to do that and not worry about hurting my feelings is my brother. But he's so bogged down with his own homework, I emailed him but I doubt he's going to have time to look at it. I just don't want to turn it in without it being looked at by at least one person. I'm not scared to admit, I am a freshman and I've been out of school for a while, so I do make some common errors in my writing. Though, overall, I'm a good writer...I do make mistakes, I am human after all. But things have been stressful, besides school and all. Emotionally stressful. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm ready to hit a brick wall, the next I'm crying for no reason...I can't control it and I don't like it. I can hear my brother right now, "One day at a time." But I'm tired of always feeling like crap...I'm tired of people treating me like I'm some sort of disease. I try to be nice, cordial, and polite to everyone. I've started greeting people as I walk by them and they still seem to act like I'm not there. It's like I'm nothing to anyone. I try so hard not to let it get it to me. I manage to hold it all in until I get home, that way the only people that see me cry or get upset is RJ and Bug...even then they don't understand. I tried so hard this week not to cut but I got to the point where I wasn't "feeling" anything and I needed to know that I'm still alive, a part of this world. I can hear my brother (again), "One day at a time." I'm just wanting for that one day to come where I can "feel" things correctly, to be able to handle anger, sadness, and all correctly without wanting to hit a brick wall or crying over nothing. I want to be "normal"!!!! I hate feeling like some sort of "freak." I'm now on about 5 or 6 medications that I take at different points of the day in hope that I'll be able to feel "normal" and to get my moods in check. Fuck it all!!! Just find one or two that will make me "feel" and be "normal" not a freakin' cocktail of medication. The doctor prescribed me two new ones this week and the day that I started taking 'em I puked...I couldn't keep food down. So now they've got me on this test run of taking one for 3 days and if I don't get sick I'll start the 2nd one to see which one it was or if it was putting me on both at one time that was making me sick....I feel like a freakin' lab rat. I'm at the point I will only see two people there, the doctor that does my meds and the one nurse that actually listens to me. I refuse to see anyone else at the clinic. I'm so sick of everyone else there. I'm sick of all of this. Why couldn't of just been born "normal" like everyone else???? I hate this. I hate myself!!!

Krystle

My Dearest Krystle,

It's been sixteen years, and I still miss you so terribly...why you and not me as well? I miss you so so much. Today, I don't cut for you...because I know it would sadden you. I tried to keep it together this morning, but I couldn't...I got sick like I've done every time since your passing. I can't help but think of you and how your family wouldn't just stay in Baton Rouge. There were and are wonderful doctors there. To this day I don't think they wanted us together. We had our plans set out, you were going to be an artist and I was going to be a teacher and a writer.But all that was taken from us. I can't go to class today, because I keep getting sick...I wish He'd just take me away so that I can be with you. I loved you so much. I'd of given the world to you if I could. We had so much planned ahead of us...then it was all taken away from us. No one understands the love I had for you...no one understands why this day every year, I can't seem to do anything...if I do, I get sick. I want to push away the pain and the sorrow, but it's SO hard. I feel like if I do, I'll be forgetting you...I don't ever want to forget you and how absolutely beautiful you were. I wish I could be there in heaven with you.

Love You Always-

Danielle "Danni"

Forever Alone

As each breaking day goes by
I pack up my books for class
And I walk alone
I get to my first class
Eager to learn new things
Yet I sit alone
The class ends and I'm
Off to my next one
hoping not to be late
Yet I walk alone
Time flies and the class
Ends just in time
For lunch
I make my way down
To the SAC
Yet I walk alone
I pick out my lunch
I look around hoping
To see someone
Someone I know
Yet no luck
So, I sit alone
I finish in time
To make it to my
Last class early
I find a seat
Just before
Everyone piles
In and everyone
Everyone gets
Their seat
Yet, I sit alone
All alone

...Forever Alone

All alone

Okay I know this is probably going to sound ridiculous, but RJ left for school and now Bug is off to school ...and now I feel all alone. Like they've left me for good, yeah I've had people come in and out of my life...but not people I care about. Right now it feels like I have no one. Like I mentioned, silly sounding...it feels like the only one who cares is the dog...cause he's been next to me for the last 30 minutes...at least he cares.