Yet another day...

I'm trying to be better at writing at least once a week...I used to write almost every day, but that was before I started back in school. Now it's like I have no life outside of work and school. *sigh* I wish I had more time for my friends, family, and stuff that I'd like to do...
oh well...

Today just started off crappy and pretty much went down hill from there. I woke up earlier than I wanted to and couldn't fall back to sleep. Then when I went to the coffee shop that is university owned and student run, there (literally) wasn't anyone there working, turned out that the person who was supposed to be there had to leave early and didn't make sure that someone would be there to cover for her. LAME!!! I waited 15 minutes before I was finally able to get my freaking coffee, and then I made it to class only to discover that it was made wrong. *sigh* I ended up going back after class and getting another cup of coffee because today was the one day (this quarter) that the psychology club was doing free drink at the coffee shop. The caffeine helped make the day a little more tolerable. The one thing that sucks right now is my therapist is taking some time off and so I won't see her again until mid-March...I have no one I can really talk to. I did finally get my medication filled for my ADD...only took (almost) the entire month! I'm not sure if it's because of insurance or my doctor. Who knows? All I know is that I can't smoke pot anymore, or else he won't prescribe me the medication. It sucks! I have to quit the one thing that helps stabilize my moods so that I can get the medication that helps with my ADD. Too bad the pot can't help with that as well. *sigh* Eh...

One good thing that happened, when I went to Wal-Mart I found this super cute stuffed monkey and then I found a box of Valentine's cookies and the box is shaped like a monkey's head, so I got those for Ali...because she is my little monkey. I'm debating on holding on to them and giving them to her for Valentine's Day or sending them to her for a "just because" gift. I know that she'll love it no matter when she gets 'em.

School has been a whole other ball of stress...I'm not sure I'm going to stay here at WWU after this year. I'm looking at switching schools at the end of the year, partly to be closer to Ali and partly because no matter how hard I may try, I just don't fit in on this campus - I'm still "the odd ball out". Yeah, I have my small group of friends that I enjoy hanging out with...when we all have the time. I would invite them over for lunch or something on a weekend, but I doubt they would have the time - that and with as crowded as we all are here, adding more people would just raise my anxiety level through the roof. I'm thinking when it warms up during spring quarter, we can all plan a park day and do a "potluck" picnic. I dunno'? We tried it last year and hardly anyone showed up.

I need a vacation...I need to get a better paying job, so that I can afford to go on vacation...

I hate being me sometimes. It sucks!

*Whew*

Wow it's been a while since I've updated my blog...so much has been going on these past several months. I've been to court over my divorce more times than I care to have had to spend the money to travel, I've been on testosterone (HRT) for just over a year, I had my top surgery done just over a month ago, my divorce became finalized earlier this month, and the new parenting plan was written by the judge and received by both of us a week or two ago. Oh, and being stressed beyond belief (almost beyond the point of me being able to handle). It's funny, I got my mental health first aid certification this past week, and I don't know how to help myself work through what I'm feeling. Everything has gotten to the point of me having constant severe headaches/migraines, feeling sick, not being able to keep much food down...just out right feeling like crap. I've had to force myself to not stay in my bedroom and being around my roommates. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my roommates...they're family to me. Just being around people right now is difficult. I'm trying not to show it, because then people get worried about me - that's the last thing I want is people worrying about me. Other than that, I am just over one month post-op (top surgery) and feeling pretty good...I still have moments where I'm soar (like when I shiver, I get this sharp pain in my chest). Over all though, I think I'm healing rather well. I know that, even though my brother looks at me as being male...because he knew me before the surgery and HRT, that it's still a little weird for him to see me in a tank top (no compression shirt)...and I doubt I would ever walk around here topless, heck or in a tank top (ever again). I don't want things to be awkward between us and I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me. I'm working on getting the gender marker changed on my driver's license before the start of summer, especially if I end up switching schools - which at this point, I'm not sure if it'll happen or not - doubtful. The only reason that I'm doubtful it'll happen at this point is the factor of me having to move, not being able to go visit the school, and just the fact that I'm not sure my finances will allow it. But we'll see what happens. I may apply for the school I'm looking at without going to visit...probably not the smartest move, but at this point...if it gets me away from here. I'm sick of being here, I love my family, I enjoy what friends I have here; I'm tired of feeling like "the odd ball out". I've been questioning why I freaking chose this school quite a bit lately...why an Adventist school? Why did I choose a school that likely would not be LGBT friendly? I think part of my reasoning for wanting to switch schools, other than my need to be closer to Ali and needing to go to a school that is cheeper, I need to be in an environment that is more accepting. I know that no matter where I go there will be ignorance and people who are narrow minded, but to be on a campus where it feels like majority of the student body is narrow minded and judgmental is not a healthy environment for me. I need to feel like I'm in a safe environment.

I don't feel safe here most of the time...

As if...

Lately it seems like no one gives a damn if I'm here and alive or not...just as long as I make it to work and do what's expected of me or make it to my appointment (s) on time...even then all of that is seeming to become pointless as well. I don't know if any of this is worth it anymore. Who knows? Hell, who gives a damn? I'm not sure I do anymore...what do I have left? RJ took the one thing, person, that means the world to me... <br><br> I guess you could say, I quit caring...

Eh

Well...it's been just over a month since I last posted anything, things have been really crazy (to put it lightly)...it's almost the end of the year and I am SO happy. Even though I am behind on class work, I can't wait until the year is over. I'm contemplating on taking some summer courses, but with having Ali for half of the summer and (possibly) working fulltime, I'm not sure that is going to be a good idea. We'll see what happens. Other than that...life has been...weird. My moods are more unpredictable, again, my shrink won't listen to me and the VA is driving me nuts with all the hoops I am having to jump through. It is like being in the military all over again...hurry up and wait. Annoying, but tollerable. However, my ex is (as usual) being an ass. I can't wait for this bull shit to be over with as well...what stress I am having to deal with is mostly due to this stupid divorce, though I'm not letting it get to me...if I do it will just make me feel more like crap.I had an interview today for a potential decent paying job for the summer today...I'm optomistic on how it went and if I will get the job or not...we shall see. Things have just been crap...it seems like the harder I try on something the worse it gets....it is almost like everything is caving in on me. I hate this feeling.
;"'

Stress

Well, this week has been interesting...the new quarter started in Monday, then on Tuesday night I get a call from RJ offering for me to get Ali in Wednesday through tomorrow. Even though I know that his "kindness" has some sort of motive behind it, but I took advantage of the offer. I'm thankful for my niece, she watched Ali while I was in class for me..but currently I'm having to figure out how I'm going to come up with the money for my airline ticket to go to the court hearing next month. I was going to borrow Ali's birthday and allowance money to help pay for it, but I have a hard time doing that...that and she decided to get a pet snake with her money. I'm not 100% fond of the idea of the pet snake, but through exposure I will get over my fear of snakes. I've already managed to hold it once, though I dropped it when it looked at me. I know it's silly...but I'm afraid of it biting me.
Right now, I'm worried about not being able to purchase the airline ticket, and then not having a shot in the dark of being able to get custody of Ali. I keep getting told to "leave it up to God and to trust that he will provide"...it's hard to trust that it'll all work out when child support is taking just over half my paycheck each week. Shit like that makes "living" difficult. I love my daughter, I know she wants to live out here, but if I don't get the airline ticket...it's not going to be possible. Then there is proving his allegations wrong. I'm at the point of trying to figure out what in the world I did wrong to cause him to leave. I did still care about him...

I seem to have this habit of either push people away or they just leave. In the end...I'll always be alone.

Spring Cleaning

Something that inevitably needs to be done every year...especially with having a kid - going through the toys. Except this year is a bit different, she's not here and I haven't gone through any of her stuff since moving into the apartment. I finally decided that its time to go through her toys today...I got some hooks the other day at Wal-Mart to hang her toy net, so I can get them out of the huge bin and get the bin out of her room, I also got some screws for the toy shelf...but the ones I got are too big. I went to toss the toys in the toy net and got to the bottom of the bin, only to find the sheet that was draped across the stairs the morning I found that he'd taken off with her I'm not sure how much longer I can take her not being here with me. If I were to just end it all today, it would take a few days to notice that I'm not alive anymore...I live alone. It's not like when he took off with her that I was there to notice they were gone. I just want this hurt and pain to go away...I'm done with it.

busy, weird, and some rambling...

Wow! This quarter has had me pretty busy...between school work (most of my time) and some personal business, this quarter is flying by. I'm just hoping the next few weeks don't drag on, dead week and finals week. I finally got my name change official :) as of two weeks ago...I didn't go with the original planned name, I did an entire name change. I went with Asher Quinn M. (for privacy reasons I'm not putting my full last name). I got almost everything taken care of pertaining to my name change...just my cell phone bill is being a pain. The night before my name change became finalized, my mother decided to call me...was an interesting conversation - we talked on the phone for nearly an hour about my being transgender and my name change...both of which they're actually now okay with both. I almost dropped my phone when my mother told me that they were okay with me being transgender, the people who kicked me out for almost three months when I came out to them about being gay (or so I thought) in high school. Now they're suddenly okay with it?!?!? My family confuses me. I love them, but they confuse me.

Ok...different subject (entirely)...

I keep having these weird dreams, I can't explain them at all...I'm post surgery and instead of being with a female, which is what I'm attracted to...I'm with another guy. I'm not talking casually with him, we're very intimate in this dream. I can't explain, nor do I understand, why I'm having sex with another guy in this dream. This is something I wish that I could understand, because then it would, likely, explain a few other things that I'm having to "deal with" lately. I'm not sure if it is the hormones or what...I'm trying to figure out if the hormones can change my way of thinking that much??? I know that they change some of your physical appearances and such, but can they change your thought patterns? If not, then this is the weirdest series of dreams that I have ever experienced.

Hopeful

My week has gone pretty well...I found out that I got an "A" on both of my writing assignments for my religion class and I got an "A" and a "B" on my two quizzes for my psych class. I'm pretty proud of myself. And I'm staying caught up and am holding a "B", so far, in my math class. I had a quiz in my math and psych classes this week, I think I did okay on them...but we'll see when I get them back. There was stuff on the psych test that I couldn't remember but I'm confident I did we'll on it here's hoping. I figure as long as I go into my test with a positive attitude, I'll do we'll on the test, I just hope this concept works.

Week 1 Winter Quarter '13

First week of Winter Quarter went well, I found out on Wednesday that I passed my math class from last quarter. I'm just hoping I didn't take more than I can handle with my classes, but I'm sure I'll do fine...just as long as I can keep up with all of the reading for two of my classes. Yesterday my math professor - who knows I'm genetically female, because I had him last quarter - called me "sir" yesterday and when he corrected himself I told him that "sir" is fine. I got one of those o_O looks, where he clearly wasn't sure why I said that, I'm debating on explaining to him why. Though I'm unsure if I should or just leave it as it is. Eh. I also got called "sir" by my religion professor three times this week :) I'm not even going to correct him, I want to see how long he uses male pronouns when referring to me.
My transition, with the testosterone injections, is going well (I think). My having to shave a week and a half ago was interesting...but the hair is finally (slowly) growing back, and its darker than it was before :) I might have to shave again in a week or so, which will be cool. I'm just waiting to shave again, to see how long it takes to grow in somemore and how dark the hair is. I'm having to watch my temper quite a bit more lately...there are days that I take an alternate rout to class, so I can avoid too many people. I had one guy accidentally bump into me and I was ready to deck him, and then when I was at the student activity center (SAC) one guy changed the channel to basketball and I nearly hit him as well, I ended up having to leave. I don't like feeling this way. I still have just under 2 months before I see the shrink about my medication, though I may see my PCP about upping one of my medications. I know that the testosterone injections are part of the aggression/anger issues, but I was told that my medication may need to be adjusted because of it. Which, at this point, I'm fine with...
I have Bug this weekend, yay!!! Though I think she's pretty tired, because she's usually out of bed by now. Eh. I'm letting her sleep, she likely needs it. Though I feel bad, because I'm going to have to work on my homework while she's here...again. I'm going to have to, next month, try to get all of my homework done before she comes for her visit. Or atleast most of it.

Life is good.

God loves me for who I am and where I'm at in my journey...
and if other people don't, then oh well.

Awesomeness

The beginning of this week started off pretty stressful, not knowing if I was going to make financial clearence or not. I had to get my math grade up from last quarter from a "IF" (incomplete "F") to a "C"...which meant catching up on all of my homework assignments from last quarter, which I did over Christmas break, and my quizzes. Down fall...I got locked out of the system and couldn't do my quizzes online. I had to get in touch with my professor and get a printed copy of each of the missing quizzes. I finally got them yesterday, and sat down for almost 5 hours to get them all done (my brain felt like mush by the time I was done). After finishing them, I had to wait until today to find out if I scored high enough to get my grade up. I showed up to the class to talk to my professor to find out if I needed to re-do any of the quizzes...he got to the class and asked me if I'd received his email, when I told him "no" he then told me that I'd passed the class. I went directly from the class to student finance to get my financial clearance finalized. I've been on "Cloud 9" over that all day. To top that off...this week I've been called "sir" twice, so far, from my religion professor - which is AWESOME!!! It's made my day each time he's done that. I ran into one of the gals that I used to work for yesterday and she'd commented that my voice has gotten deeper since last time she saw me (which was a week or two before winter break)...even more awesomeness :)

Life Is Good!!!