Alone?

Not much better today. I did however manage to force myself out of bed, even though I didn't want to. I managed to get a scholarship application finished as well, the only thing that sucks about this scholarship is the fact that they make their first round determination according to how many votes you get on the silly thing. I'm not sure how well written mine was considering I've been so tired over the past (almost 48 hours)...I managed to get some sort of "essay" out...but I don't know that many people and so I've messaged it to everyone I know on FB and some on Twitter as well...but, I doubt even 1/2 of them will vote on it. Oh well...RJ goes to WWCC on Tuesday for orientation. I can't register for any of my classes for next quarter b/c of a stupid hold b/c of my high school refusing to mail an official copy of my transcripts. I'm not sure I want to continue on next quarter anyways. I'm not sure what I want right now anymore...I'm tired of being afraid of everything all the time. I've finally got an idea of who I am, and as I come to terms with myself and who I am it seems like the further away from people want to be. I think I may be loosing everyone close to me. Though it's something I've gotten used to through my life. Medication dr wants to push me off to a psychiatrist, which I've expressed my not wanting to see a psychiatrist, because I don't trust them. I've, over the past couple weeks, become comfortable with him and now he wants to push me off to someone else. To top matters off, I've expressed to him that I do not like the nurse that I see in between my visits with him, because she doesn't listen to me or what I have to say as far as how I'm doing/how I'm feeling....I'm about ready to just give up. I've done FINE for the past 5-7 years without therapy or medication. I've been dealt a crap hand of a life and have survived this long without anyone's help....I don't think I need any help any longer. I love my family; daughter, brother and his family, RJ, friends, sister, mother (incubator), father (sperm donor), and, step parents...and I know that they care about me as well...but I do think they'd all rather my happiness vs. not being happy...I'm not sure that being alive makes me happy anymore. I don't seem to have anyone who is "REALLY" there for me...I have people that care for me...but there's a difference between caring for someone and "REALLY" being there for the person. I don't mean to sound selfish, self centered, egotistical, or narcissistic...it's not the way I mean to come across. I, most days, feel alone...all alone. There are days that the only thing I wish is to pack all my things up and leave. Where to is unknown...all I know is I want to leave.

I'm scared...

Dancing Carrots

...today's been interesting....

My medication got re-adjusted yesterday and now today has been interesting. I've been dead tired most of the day today. I woke up twice during the day today only long enough to eat and then pass out once again...this has been the longest I've been coherent, I've now been awake for two hours....I think the only reason I woke up this time is because my kidneys were yelling at me...cause it definitely wasn't the odd dream about the dancing, talking carrots (and yes RJ and I had some really good jokes about it). I'm not sure if it's the medication that's making me as tired as I've been all day, or the lack of sleep from this past week. But I know one thing, the medication that is supposed to be helping with the flashbacks/nightmares is either working (even after 1 night) or I was so tired I was delusional, which wouldn't be a first. But between sleeping all day and the really "trippy" dreams I've been having while asleep. It's been an amusing day. The last time I've had either dreams or hallucinations like this, it's been due to lack of sleep or doing drugs (back in high school)....

I'm debating on even taking my medication tonight...

If I do, I'm going to have to force myself to actually be up and moving tomorrow tomorrow, if I don't I won't get my homework done. I'm just glad that they decided to adjust my medication during the weekend...I'm just hoping that I adjust to the medication by Monday....



***Note to oneself, do not watch "Far Scape" when tripping on medication...just makes matters worse***

Muddled Mess

Today went slightly better, though it wasn't quite as hectic as most. I was able to sit and relax and just write for about an hour in my free time today. Though tomorrow I'm not sure it'll be as relaxing, I've got a full day ahead of me tomorrow. And all I can say, to quote my brother, "Just breathe...remember to breath." Which I will probably be reminding myself all day. I'm just so glad that I was able to play racquetball this afternoon with my brother, it allowed me to get some of the stress off of me that I was still dealing with. I'm nervous about my math class, because I'm worried about passing it, I'm having trouble maintaining my attention and focus long enough to grasp the full concepts of the equations...I'm some how able to come up with correct answers, but I don't know how...it's like my english class...I'm amazingly doing rather well in it, but I have trouble maintaining focus long enough to learn the concepts that she's teaching. I feel like my mind is trying to go several directions at one time. The only time I can seem to manage to maintain focus is if I'm writing/typing and listening to something else not related to what I'm writing/typing. If I have to write/type something related to what I'm listen to my mind will either go blank or unintentionally go about six different directions and I'll forget what I was supposed to be working on in the first place. I guess that's why I like doing my writing online...because if I do manage to get lost in my thoughts I don't really have to worry about anyone deciphering my thoughts...well, except for my brother, which I think he's gotten used to my gibberish non-sequential writing. Well, tomorrow is a busy day...3 classes, a meeting to go to, a internship fair, and an extra math class that my teacher's offering...oh that and i have to make it to the post office at some point in the morning....tomorrows Thursday...right?!?!? I can't seem to keep my days organized anymore...oh well...off to bed...I guess.

Life is full of Strss and Questions....

Today ended up being what seemed to be an extremely LONG day. For starters...I had no desire to get out of bed, let alone go to class. I guess you could say I had a "fuck it all" type of day. Though I did manage to finish up my Personal History Paper...which is a good portion of my grade, and am hoping that I get a good grade on, I won't find out until next week. On top of that I have to turn in my final draft of my English paper tomorrow, I'm not sure if my English teacher likes me or not. Last paper she had us do, I made all the revisions that she noted and still didn't get a perfect score on the friggin paper. Again, I've made all the revisions requested on this friggin paper, and we'll see what grade she gives me. I love to write, and I'm good at it...I know that I tend to fuck up with punctuation...but that's no reason to be so hard on me on my grade. Shiesh!!!
Anyhow...other then having to turn in my paper tomorrow, I've got to watch this one movie and write a response to it, to kinda' make up for me missing Psych class last week (even though it was excused)...I offered to do it b/c it was something that those who opted to leave early and not have discussion last week had to do....figure it's only fair. That and I own the movie, so it's not that hard for me to accomplish. Then I have another paper for my Psych class due in two weeks which should be interesting. But, it'll be easier to write vs. my personal history paper. That's for sure. I also have to do a book report...which I have yet to find a book or the time to sit and read a book from cover to cover. I also have a "Co-Curricular" activity that I need to go to and write a report on....I don't mind having to do all this writing...some of 'em it's finding the time to do the thing I have to write about.
I'm going to talk to my Math teacher tomorrow about switching to the two quarter pace, only because I'm afraid that if I stick to the one quarter pace, I'm not going to pass and I'll be on academic probation, still, next quarter...vs. if I switch to the one quarter pace, which I'll easily pass and then take the second quarter to finish the class....I'll be off of academic probation, and be able to pick up some more classes...right now, it's just a thought...and I'm going to pass the idea by my adviser tomorrow when I see her. My problem is, when I was sick for that one week, it threw me behind and in turn it hurt me...and now I'm struggling to catch up with the rest of my class...and at this point I'm not sure it's possible.

I'm just so stressed right now....

On top of all that....I had a simplified version of "the talk" with Bug yesterday and RJ and I explained that yes we care about each other and we both love her very much, but we're not in love with each other. I explained to her the concept of a "traditional" marriage (meaning one man and one woman) and I then explained that sometimes there are men that love men in the same way, and then there are women who love other women in the same way...and that, that's okay because we're all human and we're all allowed to love whomever we want and God made us all different. She, unfortunately, already had the assumption in her mind that men are supposed to only love women and vice-versa...we've figuring she got that from either Sabbath School or friends at school...but we told her that God made each and everyone of us unique and special in our own ways. I then explained to her that I care about her father very much, but more like a brother than a husband. Which she understood. I then told her that I love women and not men, which makes me a lesbian...it doesn't mean I'm wrong or going to hell....it's just one part of me that makes me unique and special. She took it quite well. We explained to her that in time dad will have his own room and mom will have her own room....her response, "will I still get my own room?" We both told her of course. She seemed to understand and take in the difference between heterosexual and homosexual better than the sex and how babies get in mommie's tummies. Which I'm kind of glad about. We also explained to her that "Fag or Faggot," "Dyke," and "Queer" are not words we use and I explained why and I told her that if she ever hears anyone use those words at school to tell a teacher and that if the teacher does nothing to tell me or her father and we'd take care of it. I think my "coming out" to my daughter was one of the hardest things I've had to do, but all the same....it needed to be done. And I'm glad that she took it as well as she did.

....Now I'm just waiting to see what questions she has for me next....

Affraid...

As we near the end of winter quarter, I'm afraid I'm not going to get off of academic probation. I'm doing quite well in most of my classes, except my math class. My teacher has worked with me the best he can, but I'm SO behind on my lessons that I can't even take the current test that was this past week. I feel like a failure. I don't know what to do...I've tried to re-examine the lectures online and they just don't make sense to me. I'm now on binomials and trinomials and it all just looks like alphabet soup to me...I don't think I'll ever understand this.

To make matters worse, RJ still hasn't found work yet...we're not going to be able to "stay afloat" much longer...not with me having to pay out of pocket for my medication. I'm about ready to just say screw the medication because the money that I'm spending on them, can go other places. I dare not tell RJ how broke we really are because then he'd flip....we've "managed" almost two months on next to nothing...now we're down to almost literally nothing. Bug's birthday is just barely over a month away, and I've not a clue how we're going to pull anything off this year. I feel stupid...because stupid can't be fixed...and I'm beyond being "fixed." I'm in a failed relationship, that we both agreed isn't going anywhere. We also agreed that we can't afford to 1. live on our own and 2. a divorce...so 3. we're stuck living together...don't get me wrong I enjoy his company, but he's more like a brother to me than a husband.

It's so weird....

all my life I've been afraid of the world and what everyone else is going to think of me....now that I don't care...everything is just crashing down all around me....

I hate this feeling....

Trapped...

I find myself hating my life. I tried to go out and have a good time with my brother and play racket-ball...only to be bombarded with auditory and physical flashbacks, I tried so hard to shake 'em...but the harder I tried the harder it got. When I walked out from the room, I felt trapped by the fences...like I had no place to go, no place to run, no place to hide. All I wanted to do was escape the memories, but I didn't know how.

I feel so lost and alone sometimes...
I don't know what to do
or where to go...

I feel like a trapped animal.

Oh Well...

Hate my doctor....I'm about ready to just quit taking all my meds all together. He's trying to pass me off to a psychiatrist...he's going to see if student medical will cover me seeing a psychiatrist, as if I have the money for a co-pay. I'm already having to figure out how the hell I'm going to cover the cost of the prescription that he gave me tonight. I don't trust psychiatrists...they're all a bunch of quacks! I think I was better off when I wasn't on the meds. I'm so sick of this. Who cares anymore. I tried to be honest with him on how my past few days have been after asking the difference between bipolar and borderline...I also explained to him the fact that I don't care for the nurse that I see when he's not there. I don't feel like I can trust her or freely talk to her, and it was as though he dismissed my feelings...as if I didn't matter. I hate this. I wish I could find another doctor, but with student medical...I'm stuck. This sucks! I hate this feeling. Feeling like I don't matter. That's basically how they made me feel tonight. I didn't want to be there at all. I know that they had another patient there at the same time as me, but it felt like their entire attention was on the other patient and I didn't matter at all what-so-ever.

Hate this...

Rough 3Days...

Okay, so I slept for most of the day today. According to my brother and husband, who love me dearly, they think, and are probably right, I really needed it. Now, I'm not going to lie these past 3 days have been....emotionally unpredictable. I don't think the loss of my great-aunt yesterday helped any...but for now, I'm feeling somewhat better. Since I've been on the new medication my moods have been a little irratic (sp?) but the up side is I've been experiencing emotions, which has been unusual for me. According to my brother, it'll get worse before it gets better....oh joy. I just pray that my family and I can handle it... God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace....

Who Fucking Cares who I am...

Well, it's just been proven....life sucks. I just found out yesterday that my great-aunt died. I've got no one to talk to...no one that cares. Oh, well...just another person dead I guess. Life and Death all part of being people I guess...we live and then we die...95% of the time no one cares.

To top matters off...this move was supposed to be a "fresh start" a chance for me to figure out who I really am...well, I've figured out who I am...and I'm now discovering that I'm not allowed to be who I am, as usual. I have to give the appearance of being a happy wife with a husband and daughter...well FUCK this! I'm not happy...hell I don't even know what "happy" is. I'm basically being forced back into the closet. Which is I guess where I belong, considering all matters. I guess I'll just continue like nothing is wrong....I'm so good at that facade anyway.

I've always been told to be myself...and then people end up not wanting me to be myself, because of the parts of me that they don't like. So, I go and change that part of me to fit what they expect. Then another group will come along and not like a different part of me, so I'll change that part of me to appease them....this has gone on since high school....now two moths ago I'm told I need to figure out who and what I am as a person...so I'm trying to reconstruct this vessel that has been manipulated to appease so many different groups of people that I don't know which way is up or down, left or right...I've gotten so used to making everyone else happy and satisfied with who I am that the first inkling about who/what I am everyone tells me to wait, that it might not be entirely correct. I've gotten to the point to where even though I may be physically alive, inside I feel dead. I don't think that anyone really cares who or what I am, just as long as it suites them. So long as I fit their cookie cutter idea of who/what I should be.

Seeing that obviously I don't know....

Letter

Dear...

Why is it so hard to be the preson that everyone expects me to be? Why was I not made normal like everyone else. Instead I'm just a jumbled up mess that no one seems to wants to be around, not that I blame them. I just, for once, want to be normal. I want to have real friend, a real family...people that won't leave me because I mess up more than I succeed. More than anything in the world...I want this pain I always feel gone.

-D

Unsure

Everyday I re-live the hell that I've been through. I feel, hear, see, truely re-live each and every event. It's like going through them in slow motion, a different memory each day. I hate this. I wish it would all go away. The only thing that reminds me that I'm alive is the cuts, I'm having to cut deeper in order to "feel" anything. As I watch the blood drip down my wrist, down my arm...it reminds me that I'm still alive. I live within my hell alone, that's how it'll always be...me alone. I feel as though I'll always be alone. No one geta me, no one wants to be around me...I try to be "out going" only to fail...I don't get it. I don't understand peoole, I don't think that they get me either. I have no one...

I hate this. Today's just proven that no one gives a shit about me. I have no family. No real friends.

Don't know how to "feel"

These past few days I've been at such a loss...I don't know how I should "feel." One minute, I'm pissed off at the world, for no given reason. The next thing I know, I'm in tears in the middle of class, again for no gosh darn reason. Yesterday I had to put my head down in class in hopes that no one would notice me...and today it got so bad I had to leave class and sit in the bathroom, so that no one would notice. I missed about half of my class today because of not being able to control my emotions. Then I've got thoughts running through my head that I can't control either, ones telling me I'm a "waste of space," I'm "stupid," that I should "die," to stuff like I deserve what happened to me....I know I shouldn't believe any of these things, but it's hard not to...in between all that and having to deal with the paper for my Psychology class...I've been having a rough week. I'm not sure who or what to believe anymore...

I hate myself....

I hate my life....

I want it all to just go away.....

"Funky" week...

I feel like crap. I can't sleep. I don't want to work on this blasted eight page (soon to be longer) personal history paper. I know that I need to, eventually, face some of the shit that I've been through that I've already written about in my paper....but does it have to be now? Can I just put it off??? My counselor thinks this paper is a good way to "get it all out", I think she's crazier then me. My med doctor thinks that I should hold off on dealing with too much at one time...for once I think he might be right about something. Only problem, which one do I listen to? Cause most times they're both, in my personal opinion, crazier than I am.

I don't know however....

It's just been a rather difficult past few days.

I did bring up my "cutting" issue to both of them. It was weird telling them. But I did admit that there are worse things that I could be doing. It's not like I do it to get attention...I do it so that I can "feel" something, so that I can remember that I am still alive. I got a leather bracelet to keep my wrist covered so that I don't get a million questions from people I interact with daily. I'm not ashamed of it, but rightfully so it's none of their damn business. I already had to answer questions about my one rainbow earring, which I "tap danced" around...because I'm afraid of being judged because of what I am...I don't want to get asked about how can I be gay and be married, explaining that would make things even more interesting. Like my English paper isn't going to open a whole new "can of worms"...this will be interesting. But, people can draw their own conclusions...I'm nervous to see how people react.

Only time will tell...

I just hope that I manage to get out of this "funk" soon.

...oi!

Long day...got two papers written. One being my English paper on a meaningful experience, it had to be a page to a page and a half...mine ended up being closer to two pages. Oh well. The second paper is for my Psych class, that one had to be 8 pages, double spaced, 12 pt font...mine ended up 8 pages, double spaced 10 pt font and I still haven't covered the genogram...it's going to be 9 pages with the genogram...and I left some info out. I'm going to print what I have so far and edit, add the missing info where it should go and pray for the best.

I still have my article review to write, which will be easy....that's only a one page paper and I can do it with my eyes shut...I have to study for my math test that I had put off...I get to take it tomorrow, which I'll do the review in the morning so that it's fresh in my mind, I'm still having some trouble with thought process and memory...so I want it fresh in my mind before the test. I think (hope) that I'll be able to get completely caught up with my math class this week, but I'm not 100% sure. I still haven't figured out the concept of polynomials...I hate math...and somehow I hear my brother laughing something about the field of study I'm going into involving quite a few math classes. Oi!

I'm struggling to keep in a, somewhat, good mood. Which right now is really hard. I hate this. I hate how I feel. I hate being afraid of walking to my classes b/c of fear of another student slamming me into something (like a wall)...I've had that happen so many times in high school that whenever a group of guys walks by me, I cringe. I just want to hide in a dark hole and never come out...I hate always being afraid of everything, everyone. I'm scared that if I tell the doc that does my rx's how I really feel that he's just going to have me "locked up" and that's not what I want. I manage to avoid talking about certain subjects during my counseling sessions...but I don't know how long I'll be able to continue avoiding talking. Hell, I was embarrassed today when I almost cried in front of my brother. He's the only one that's seen me really cry...it's weird. I'm comfortable talking to him about almost anything...I guess it's because I know he won't judge me. I know he and his family don't judge me...they're my family and they love me. Which is cool :) I wish I could be as comfortable with the counselor I'm with as I am with my brother...but I don't know how to get to that point.

...I'm so lost.

Long Week

This is the first day in just over a week that I can, somewhat, think clearly. It's been as though my mind is jumping forward and then in reverse whenever I'd try to talk or write...but now that I'm getting off the medication I'm starting to think more clearly. Down fall...I feel I'm starting to slip back into a severe depression. Though I'm not sure I care anymore. RJ only seems to care about trying to keep us together (regardless of it's what I want or anything). He won't even let me mention anything to Bug...I know she's not stupid and is noticing that things are different b/t him and I. I guess I'm going to just continue living the way I've been living the past almost 12 years, in the closet and in denial. I'm...just going to keep him happy, because that's the only way I'm going to be allowed to live. I'm so...tired.

This week's been rough. With not really being able to talk, I haven't been able to do or say anything to those who've been harassing me. I've gotten to the point where I leave early for my first class of the day so that I don't run into them. This group of guys have been, verbally, harassing me for the past two weeks with their taunts of calling me a "Dyke" or a "Fag" or whatever other taunts they come up with...I try not to let it get to me, but it's hard. I have lunch at the Express some days during the week because of my schedule being tight...there have been times that I've gotten up from the table I'm sitting at (I tend to sit alone) and when I get back there will be a piece of paper with "Fag" or something similar written on it....this past week my ipod went missing. Hope whomever took it enjoys the music. I'm just tired of the ignorance from people...I don't have to deal with it quite as much, since I leave early for class and I've started skipping lunch some days...I just wish I had someone to sit and have lunch with so that I don't always feel so alone.

I feel so alone sometimes...

I'm so stupid sometimes...

what made me feel like I could be "comfortable" being myself???

Back to the way things were...I guess...