Alone?

Not much better today. I did however manage to force myself out of bed, even though I didn't want to. I managed to get a scholarship application finished as well, the only thing that sucks about this scholarship is the fact that they make their first round determination according to how many votes you get on the silly thing. I'm not sure how well written mine was considering I've been so tired over the past (almost 48 hours)...I managed to get some sort of "essay" out...but I don't know that many people and so I've messaged it to everyone I know on FB and some on Twitter as well...but, I doubt even 1/2 of them will vote on it. Oh well...RJ goes to WWCC on Tuesday for orientation. I can't register for any of my classes for next quarter b/c of a stupid hold b/c of my high school refusing to mail an official copy of my transcripts. I'm not sure I want to continue on next quarter anyways. I'm not sure what I want right now anymore...I'm tired of being afraid of everything all the time. I've finally got an idea of who I am, and as I come to terms with myself and who I am it seems like the further away from people want to be. I think I may be loosing everyone close to me. Though it's something I've gotten used to through my life. Medication dr wants to push me off to a psychiatrist, which I've expressed my not wanting to see a psychiatrist, because I don't trust them. I've, over the past couple weeks, become comfortable with him and now he wants to push me off to someone else. To top matters off, I've expressed to him that I do not like the nurse that I see in between my visits with him, because she doesn't listen to me or what I have to say as far as how I'm doing/how I'm feeling....I'm about ready to just give up. I've done FINE for the past 5-7 years without therapy or medication. I've been dealt a crap hand of a life and have survived this long without anyone's help....I don't think I need any help any longer. I love my family; daughter, brother and his family, RJ, friends, sister, mother (incubator), father (sperm donor), and, step parents...and I know that they care about me as well...but I do think they'd all rather my happiness vs. not being happy...I'm not sure that being alive makes me happy anymore. I don't seem to have anyone who is "REALLY" there for me...I have people that care for me...but there's a difference between caring for someone and "REALLY" being there for the person. I don't mean to sound selfish, self centered, egotistical, or narcissistic...it's not the way I mean to come across. I, most days, feel alone...all alone. There are days that the only thing I wish is to pack all my things up and leave. Where to is unknown...all I know is I want to leave.

I'm scared...