Well, it's just been proven....life sucks. I just found out yesterday that my great-aunt died. I've got no one to talk to...no one that cares. Oh, well...just another person dead I guess. Life and Death all part of being people I guess...we live and then we die...95% of the time no one cares.
To top matters off...this move was supposed to be a "fresh start" a chance for me to figure out who I really am...well, I've figured out who I am...and I'm now discovering that I'm not allowed to be who I am, as usual. I have to give the appearance of being a happy wife with a husband and daughter...well FUCK this! I'm not happy...hell I don't even know what "happy" is. I'm basically being forced back into the closet. Which is I guess where I belong, considering all matters. I guess I'll just continue like nothing is wrong....I'm so good at that facade anyway.
I've always been told to be myself...and then people end up not wanting me to be myself, because of the parts of me that they don't like. So, I go and change that part of me to fit what they expect. Then another group will come along and not like a different part of me, so I'll change that part of me to appease them....this has gone on since high school....now two moths ago I'm told I need to figure out who and what I am as a person...so I'm trying to reconstruct this vessel that has been manipulated to appease so many different groups of people that I don't know which way is up or down, left or right...I've gotten so used to making everyone else happy and satisfied with who I am that the first inkling about who/what I am everyone tells me to wait, that it might not be entirely correct. I've gotten to the point to where even though I may be physically alive, inside I feel dead. I don't think that anyone really cares who or what I am, just as long as it suites them. So long as I fit their cookie cutter idea of who/what I should be.
Seeing that obviously I don't know....
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