Long Week

This is the first day in just over a week that I can, somewhat, think clearly. It's been as though my mind is jumping forward and then in reverse whenever I'd try to talk or write...but now that I'm getting off the medication I'm starting to think more clearly. Down fall...I feel I'm starting to slip back into a severe depression. Though I'm not sure I care anymore. RJ only seems to care about trying to keep us together (regardless of it's what I want or anything). He won't even let me mention anything to Bug...I know she's not stupid and is noticing that things are different b/t him and I. I guess I'm going to just continue living the way I've been living the past almost 12 years, in the closet and in denial. I'm...just going to keep him happy, because that's the only way I'm going to be allowed to live. I'm so...tired.

This week's been rough. With not really being able to talk, I haven't been able to do or say anything to those who've been harassing me. I've gotten to the point where I leave early for my first class of the day so that I don't run into them. This group of guys have been, verbally, harassing me for the past two weeks with their taunts of calling me a "Dyke" or a "Fag" or whatever other taunts they come up with...I try not to let it get to me, but it's hard. I have lunch at the Express some days during the week because of my schedule being tight...there have been times that I've gotten up from the table I'm sitting at (I tend to sit alone) and when I get back there will be a piece of paper with "Fag" or something similar written on it....this past week my ipod went missing. Hope whomever took it enjoys the music. I'm just tired of the ignorance from people...I don't have to deal with it quite as much, since I leave early for class and I've started skipping lunch some days...I just wish I had someone to sit and have lunch with so that I don't always feel so alone.

I feel so alone sometimes...

I'm so stupid sometimes...

what made me feel like I could be "comfortable" being myself???

Back to the way things were...I guess...