Had FUN Making This One :)

Stressed

Well, three of my four teachers have posted the grades, which turned out as expected...so now I'm just waiting for my math teacher to post grades, hoping he does tomorrow. Other than than that my day went okay, got to sleep in for the first time in a while...but I don't think I shouldn't get used to that for too terribly long, because I start the new quarter in just over a week. I just hope I get at least a "C" in my freakin' math class...if I don't I'm going to have to drop one of my classes...and I don't know which class I would drop because I like 'em all. I'm just stressed about what my grade is in that one class. I'm so hopeful that I get atleast a passing grade...RJ keeps telling me not to worry...but I'm worried because math was and isn't my best subject...

Thank God It's over...

Well, I took my last final today....I won't know my grades until Monday, I think. But I know I have a "B+" in my english class, the teacher told me :)  ....I'm pretty sure I got an "A" in my study skills and psych class (rj.and I agrees that if I don't get an "A" in my psych class we're going to shoot the teacher)....my math class I'm hoping for at least a "C" though a "B" would be nice. Any how I'm on spring break...time to get caught up on appointments...fun, fun...any who, I'll be on pins and needles until gradds are posted....

Finals Week: Day 1

Shiesh!! I'm tired and I'm only through 1 of my 4 finals...I have two tomorrow and a presentation to give as part of one of my finals. All that is left to do for the presentation is print the report and the pictures then QUICKLY get the pictures glued onto the board. Other then that I think the project turned out pretty freakin' good. Though only 2 out of the 3 of us did any work for this project. The 3rd person, I tried and tried to get him to meet up with me so that he could help with doing SOME of the work...but he NEVER showed up. My brother, when I told him about this, said, "welcome to college life." If this is what projects are going to be like...I'm going to be likely to kill someone before I graduate.

Other then all that, I wrote a freelance article for our school's paper, which once I can get a hold of one of the editors, or someone in charge of the paper (good luck to me this week) I know...I'm going to give them a printed copy of the article and cross my fingers that they like it. I'm often told that I'm a pretty good writer, I just need to work on proper punctuation. Which this, I'm already aware of...I'm just not very good at it. It's often my weakness on papers. It may be my failure to my English final that I had today.

But anyways, I have my Study Skills final tomorrow, which is the class I have the presentation for, and it's open book. Then I have my Psych final, which all I have to do is show up...the down fall is instead of 6-8p it's 7-9p and then I have an 8am Math Final the next day...Oi! All I know is that come Thursday, I'M SLEEPING IN!!! Don't care if...well, I do care if someone dies and if my apartment catches fire...other than that....I DON'T CARE!!!

"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...

Sick vs. Sleepy???

Today's been a weird day. I woke up at around 6:30a, which is the normal time I'm up to try to help RJ with getting Bug pulled together for school. Though lately she's been gradually becoming more and more independent. Which is good, especially through her issues...but then I realized "Damn it's the weekend" and fell back asleep. Next thing I knew my stupid alarm on my phone went off, which I about threw across the room, next thought was the cost of my phone...so I turned it off and fell back asleep. Then at about 9:30a there was a knock on the door...I rolled over to RJ and told him to please answer it...behold, was the fact that we forgot that we signed up to get free breakfast today (cinnamon rolls and drinks)...so we ate together, because of coarse Bug was awake. Shortly after eating I told RJ I was going to rest a bit before going to church. He then woke me up (at what time I've not a clue) and looked at me and told me that I looked like I was in no condition to leave the house. So, I fell back asleep. Needless to say I ended up sleeping all day. I didn't finally get up until almost about 6:30p. I was going to go to a Purim (sp?) event tonight and didn't go...and I REALLY REALLY wanted go...I'm SO bummed I couldn't go. In fact I think this is the LONGEST I've been awake all day...and all I want is to go back to sleep.

One thing good that happened to me today...one of the short moments I was coherent to the world, I heard RJ say something and before I got mad at him (don't remember what I thought he said) but I stopped before getting mad and asked him to repeat himself, and then told him what I thought he said and we both kinda' laughed about it. I told him how glad I was that I asked him b/c I was going to get mad at him...I'm starting to learn not to always believe what I hear or see. Which I'm glad I'm finally learning this.


"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...

And I Thought She Was Nuts Before...

And I though my mother was crazy when I was growing up....yesterday and today's conversation with her have just blown me away. Yesterday she offered to fly Bug and I out there to move out there, but just the two of us. She had also offered to help get me established with the Community College out there to finish my base courses and then help me to get into a University. She had also mentioned that she knew about my change in my FB status and that she and my step-father were okay with it. Then today during our conversation she tells me that she loves me no matter what...and that she also accepts me for who I am...tell you what, if it weren't for the fact that I was on my cell phone and that I know how much a replacement one would cost...I'd of dropped it. Hell I almost fell to my knees when she said that. In fact I repeated to her what she said just to verify it, because I couldn't believe it for myself. After "coming out" to her at least five times and getting kicked out at one point, she finally is accepting me for me. I'm still in shock! Her and I have battled over years over different things and the center of it has always, really, been her learning to accept me. I can't remember if it was yesterday or today, but she also offered to help pay for the divorce b/t RJ and I. The problem I'm having with this whole situation if Bug and RJ's connection with each other, and I know that if we do get a divorce RJ would not move down to LA because he has made it quite clear (the several times I've asked him if we could move there) that he doesn't like LA at all. I like it up here, because of the fact that I actually get to see the change in the weather, I've managed to establish (a few) friends that won't let me push them away because they understand me....it's just a really hard decision to have to make. RJ and I have already agreed that we were going to get a divorce when we both can manage on our own (aka finish college) but by then Bug will be a teenager and I'm not sure I can handle living with him that long. I've mentioned the idea of having an open relationship (with the boundary of no one brings a date home with them)...and he still hasn't responded to it, which I don't think he will. I want to get the back bedroom set up so that it's a bedroom not a storage area, so that we can put a bed in there and one of us gets the room and the other gets the pullout couch....but he doesn't seem to enthusiastic about that either. I don't know what to do. I don't want anyone to solve this situation for me, but I wish I had someone to talk to and help work it out to figure things out. Every time I try to talk to RJ about any of it he either ignores me or changes the subject.

Any how...I've got finals next week...woohoo (non enthusiasm intended). After that I have about a week and a half off...then a few weeks later Bug has her spring break, which I have yet to figure out what I'm going to do with her...oi!

Anyhow...off to bed...this week has worn me out.


"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...

BULL SHIT!!!

Everyone keeps telling me "God will provide"...well, where the heck is He when my family needs Him the most? I don't think I will be able to continue school this quarter or next or even at all. I can't come up with the money, even if I do sell our X-Box and all the games we have...it wouldn't be enough to keep me in school next quarter. I'm sick of this. And the only person that reads this, I know won't respond or call...because he's already been told to "quit enabling me"...so I don't even know why I even write on this stupid blog...it's like I'm just talking to my self....oh well....

"God will provide"....YEAH RIGHT!!!

Hopeful Happiness???

I've notice that if I'm not inadvertently trying to push people away, I'm trying to do everything possible to appease them...I wish I could find an equal balance between the two. Because I'm starting to not like either. I try so hard to make RJ happy...to the point of having sex with him when I know I can't handle it. When we do, I either go to the back of my mind as quick as I can, imagine him as one of my ex's, or end up having a flashback (which in the end hurts him). But either way it mentally hurts me, after wards I end up taking a bath in water as hot as I can handle (which tonight it was straight hot water and literally scrubbing myself down with a scrub brush. I don't know what it is, but afterwards I feel so...physically dirty. I don't know why, I wish I did. I wish I could make him happy without hurting him or myself. I wish I were normal. I know I'm likely not the only person that goes through something like this, but it often feels like I am.

On top of that I'm ashamed of myself, I managed to go four days without cutting myself, and tonight I broke my goal of a week. I cut myself more than "normal." Normally I only do four to six lines on my wrist, just to snap me back into reality...this time I did six on on wrist and six on the other. I'm not sure why I did it...I just did. The problem is, one of 'em is bleeding more then normal. I put a gauze over it with a bracelet to keep it in place, hopefully it'll stop soon.

Today has just been a rough day. I just want to curl up in a deep dark hole and never come out. I would say that no one understands how I feel, but I know that my brother understands a lot of how I feel. I'm scared of myself. I know that I probably should call one of those hoakey call center lines...but I don't like 'em nor do I trust them. Right now, like my brother's told me time and time again, I'm going to take it one day at a time. Hopefully tomorrow's a better day...


"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...

Not Crazy...yet?

I know that I'm not going completely crazy, but I am discovering the importance of taking my medication on a regular basis (I hear my bro's voice going "I told you so" or something to that effect..." in the back of my head. This past few days have been rather rough. I got in touch with my math teacher and he's going to switch me to the two quarter pace vs. what I was on (the one quarter pace) which will likely bring my grade up to a mid to high "B" possibly (hoping) a low "A" which would make me totally stoked. I've spent most of today working on homework so that I can try to get all "A's" in all if not majority of my classes. I think it's be a miracle for me to get all "A's" in my classes this quarter, but we'll see how it goes. Even though I don't like my life being "run" by medication...I've noticed that if I don't take them on a REGULAR basis then I'm not the only one that suffers...my family that I love and care about and that love and care about me suffer as well. It's hard to learn to be "me" because I've never been allowed to be "me"...I grew up always being told what to do and how to do it...now I'm being forced to make my own decisions. Which is not an easy thing to do. I'm starting to learn things that I should have learned when I was a teenager...and I'm thirty. It's scary. I'm not going to lie...I'm scared of this. I'm scared of being myself and inadvertently pushing everyone away from me that I love and care about. The past week or two have been emotionally rough...last week I had to walk out of two classes because I was crying for no apparent reason. The week before was worse...I don't know what to expect this coming week. I've already had to hold back tears in front of my bro yesterday...I felt foolish, because it was for no given reason. I'm so scared of loosing everyone around me. Even though I'm used to people coming and going through my life, this time I want it to be different...but I don't know how. I'm going to take my brother's suggestion and start the self talk again...from there I'm clueless as what to do from there...

but for now....

"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...

I want OUT!!!

Let's make this very clear....I HATE MATH!!! I'm not sure I'm going to pass this stupid fucking class...I'm going to end up having to take this stupid class again next quarter, which means I'm going to have to choose one of my classes that I'm actually looking forward to taking next quarter and drop it just so I can take this stupid class all over again and fail it again. I hate this! I'm not even sure why I chose to waste money to return to school. I think I'd be better off not here at all. I doubt anyone would notice me gone or care. I hate this. The only classes I'm actually passing are 2 classes that the teachers don't even go by the book and 1 class that is like taking a high school class all over again. All of which I'm convinced they're just passing me either to get me out of their class or because they feel sorry for me. Either way...this SUCKS!!! I have to go to medical once a week to pick up one of my meds in which I don't even take regularly, because I'm sick and tired of medication running my life....I want to be the one running my life. NOTHING and NO ONE else!!! RJ keeps getting ticked at me because I borrow his clothes...it's not like they can't get washed or anything. I've explained to him countless times that 95% of the clothes that I own I hate. Part of the problem is the fact that he hates who/what I am. NOT like I chose to be a lesbian....NOT like I chose the torment that I went through during High School or in the Navy. I'm trying to accept myself for ME, he makes it SO hard most days....most of the time I don't even think he notices me. I'm sure that if I weren't here anymore he wouldn't notice. I'm not even sure my own daughter would notice I'm gone....I'm not sure who/if anyone would notice me being gone. I have to put on this "happy-go-lucky" mask everyday, just so people don't see how miserable I REALLY am. My family (parents) wouldn't even miss me. The only reason my mother (the incubator) calls me is to talk to Bug...and my father (the sperm donor) doesn't hardly call, so I'm sure I don't matter to him. Financially, I'm worth nothing...so a will wouldn't be necessary, RJ would automatically get custody of Bug....so I'm not sure why I even stick around anymore. We were talking about divorce, but nether of us can afford to pay for it or to live on our own....hell we're barely making it by right now. We're going to run out of money in about 2 weeks...we had to borrow money to keep our cell phones turned on, how we're going to pay that back I have no clue. My brother keeps telling me to trust in God...I'm having trouble even doing that...I don't know anymore. All I know is.....

I just want out!!!