Hopeful Happiness???

I've notice that if I'm not inadvertently trying to push people away, I'm trying to do everything possible to appease them...I wish I could find an equal balance between the two. Because I'm starting to not like either. I try so hard to make RJ happy...to the point of having sex with him when I know I can't handle it. When we do, I either go to the back of my mind as quick as I can, imagine him as one of my ex's, or end up having a flashback (which in the end hurts him). But either way it mentally hurts me, after wards I end up taking a bath in water as hot as I can handle (which tonight it was straight hot water and literally scrubbing myself down with a scrub brush. I don't know what it is, but afterwards I feel so...physically dirty. I don't know why, I wish I did. I wish I could make him happy without hurting him or myself. I wish I were normal. I know I'm likely not the only person that goes through something like this, but it often feels like I am.

On top of that I'm ashamed of myself, I managed to go four days without cutting myself, and tonight I broke my goal of a week. I cut myself more than "normal." Normally I only do four to six lines on my wrist, just to snap me back into reality...this time I did six on on wrist and six on the other. I'm not sure why I did it...I just did. The problem is, one of 'em is bleeding more then normal. I put a gauze over it with a bracelet to keep it in place, hopefully it'll stop soon.

Today has just been a rough day. I just want to curl up in a deep dark hole and never come out. I would say that no one understands how I feel, but I know that my brother understands a lot of how I feel. I'm scared of myself. I know that I probably should call one of those hoakey call center lines...but I don't like 'em nor do I trust them. Right now, like my brother's told me time and time again, I'm going to take it one day at a time. Hopefully tomorrow's a better day...


"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...