Worth It???

I don't know...lately I've just been feeling kinda' "Blah." I'm not sure as to why...it's like I'm stuck in this feeling of just wanting to dig a deep dark hole and never ever come out. If not that just hang from a tree as to my life doesn't seem worth anything. I'm not sure as to what is more tempting. I'm tired of being in this state of not feeling beyond this stat of "blah"...I've managed to put on this facade of a mask and fool my family into thinking otherwise, but I'm not sure as to how much longer it'll work. The new term starts next Monday...and I honestly don't care. I could care less about any of it. Yeah I paid money to go to school, but I could care less about going. I'm hating my "life" as it is. RJ made a comment this past weekend that still kind of sticks with me - he said, "You're the one that doesn't want me around anymore." When in reality, it's not that I don't want him around - it's just that I'd rather not have to share the same bed with him, at the very least. If given the chance or opportunity (which will probably never happen) I'd rather live in a separate house or apartment. The only reason behind that is because he's straight and I'm not...he still expects to have sex with me...when I find the idea grotesque...though I allow him to have sex with me once a month, more or less to keep him happy and to get him to leave me alone. Thankfully I have a very good imagination and can imagine him as someone else, so that it doesn't make the experience too bad or disgusting to me...though if that doesn't work (heaven for bid) I end up having a flashback which puts an immediate hault on everything. Which I'm not sure what's better imaginating him as someone else or dealing with a flashback...honestly, not having to have sex in the first place would be better, but then dealing with the attitude because of the no sex tends to get frustrating. I'm at the point that I just want to be gone from this all. RJ wouldn't really miss me, and I'm not sure Bug would either...the only times she seems to acknowledge me is if RJ tells her to give me a hug or if she wants to talk to my mom and step-dad....and that can be resolved by her using RJ's phone and he wouldn't have to worry about telling her to give me a hug or anything...because then I wouldn't be around anymore. I'm sick of it all...I don't think I have much reason to be here any longer...this thing called "life" just doesn't seem worth it anymore...