Tough Job

Well, I'm going to be doing possibly (one of) the toughest jobs I've had to do in a LONG time. On Thursday, I'm going to be (in front of my class) be telling part of my personal history. We're studying different types of mental disorders and my professor asked me if I could speak in front of the class, because of my history. I'm scared, because they judge me already...I'm afraid that they'll just just judge me even more...that I'll be more of a "freak" than I already am to them. It's not like I chose what happened to me or what/who I ended up being because of all that. But, people still tend to be judgmental and that what always worries me. One of my professors emailed me this morning after me saying that I might not be at class today...let alone at all this week...Here's what he wrote back:


"What hell? The shunning of the students, the bad childhood, the new lifestyle that is creating social problems, the marriage? I'll bet it is a bit of everything. I am so sorry that you have been through so much. No one should have had all of those bad experiences, you certainly didn't deserve them. However, you are a survivor with lots of cool things about you and talents you haven't even uncovered yet. I treasure you and applaud how you have managed so far so well. Keep it up!"


That meant so much to me this morning, his class is the only class I've made it to today, because of me not feeling well...physically and emotionally. I'm at the point of not being able to, mentally, deal with much more criticism, ignorance, and judgment from people. I'm just so fucking tired of it all. It's actually made me sick to my stomach. I thing that, that's part of the reason I'm not feeling good...that and the Seroquil making it's way out of my system. I'm trying to keep it together because I don't present my story until Thursday. I'm gradually putting things together so that I speak for about forty to forty-five minutes and then take any questions that anyone might have. Because I know that there will be questions, there always are...


Any-who...I gotta keep pushing on like I always do...


That's how I've made it this far.