Unsure

I hate this...my doctor upped one medication and lowered another, neither of which have anything to do with one another. One is an anti-anxiety medication the other is for PTSD (for the nightmares and daytime memory flashbacks). One I take three times a day the other I only take at bedtime. The one I take at bedtime now that its been upped again, has me so groggy I'm almost nonfunctional until sometime in the afternoon. The one I was taking three times a day I'm now down to twice a day once in the morning and again at bedtime....here's the problem with that, mid-day when it starts wearing off in my system is when I'm in class. So, needless to say I'm going through anxiety attacks, while in class...how this is helping me is beyond me. I don't see him again until the 6th because he only comes up to campus medical once a week (I think) and it's difficult to get to see him without a preset appointment. I see the nurse once spring break is over (in a week) because campus medical is closed...and even then I have to change the appointment that I have scheduled. I hate feeling like this, especially considering it's now after 4pm and I still feel groggy. I shouldn't be feeling like this. To make matters more interesting, I'm at the point I don't care (about anything). I've gone just barely over a week without cutting...the temptation is still there, especially today...I don't know how to control it. I got my ear pierced (industrial piercing) to help with the need for pain (so that I'm somewhat grounded) but it's now two days later, and it barely hurts...to the point that I don't notice it's there most of the time. There are times that I'm afraid of myself, this is (borderline) one of those times. I know that this medication is supposed to help with my PTSD, but I wonder if it's supposed to make me forget some of the shit that's happened and details of what happened to me. I'm not sure which medication out of the four (soon to be five) it is that just makes me number than before...not care. There are days that I "could care less" about anything. Days that I can't even make a simple decision (ie: what I want to drink) because I just really don't give a care...and then the next moment I'm yelling at RJ for something stupid (and yes, I'm taking my meds as prescribed with the exception of days that I'm incoherent until 2-3pm). I can't blame it on my not taking my medication. I'm tired of this...I was hoping that these meds would help me feel somewhat "normal"...but there are days that I feel like crap, worse than before. I know I need to give it time before I'll notice the full effect, but I've been on (some of) these meds for almost 3 months...how long is it supposed to take??? This is just extremely frustrating right now.

Right now if I could have one thing...just one thing in the entire world, it would be to have the ability to "feel normal." Though I'm not even sure if I'd know the difference between that and the way I feel right now...what would be the point? I'm aware of the fact that from now on I will never, for the remainder of my life, be off of medication. Just the idea of that, sucks. I don't like the idea that my ability to (eventually) have a "normal" life will depend on medication. It's like I'm some sort of drone, so to speak. I sometimes wonder if it's even worth it...



"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."

I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...(I think)