Not Sure

I'm not sure how I "feel" right now...and that seems to be the one question that everyone keeps asking me. I keep telling them, "I'm fine." When in all actuality, I'm falling apart inside. I can't explain why...I just feel like I'm spinning out of control and as I come crashing down I'm falling apart. I have to keep this facade that I'm okay, so that nobody suspects anything. And yes, I do realize that I have one person that actually reads this...and I'm not sure I care.

My family says that they know "about me" and that "they don't care and they accept me for who I am." But I'm having an extremely hard time believing them. After all these years and the hell that they've put me through. It's hard to believe anything that they say. Then my step-mom states that her and my dad have known for a while....how? They've hardly been a part of my life for the past 30 years, they don't really know me...not until I posted the "Note" on my FB account that basically stated who I am vs. who I was...and I basically outed myself by writing it. Which partly was the purpose. I want to let people know who are "friends" on my FB account that I am who I am and nothing is going to change that. I'm not going to let anyone change who I am anymore. I'm tired of people telling me who I am and who I'm not....I've put up with it my entire life, and I'm not putting it up any longer. The one thing I do hate is the fact that I have to depend on stupid pills to "feel normal"...the damn things don't work...I'm sick of taking pills that don't work and people telling me that I'm "crazy"...they're now making me see a shrink which is something that I specifically didn't want to do. I don't trust 'em. I hate them. I swear if this one tries to re-analyze me and then re-diagnose me...I'm going to fucking loose my mind. I've been diagnosed too many times with too many freaking different things. I finally got a diagnosis that makes sense...I don't need to be told I'm any crazier then I already feel.

My mind is twisting and twirling and I'm coming to a crashing end that I'm not sure how much longer I can "hang on there"...