Well, Bug turned 10 today...she was SO happy when everyone showed up...me, I was beyond my stress level. I'm not used to having so many people over. When we lived in Western Washington, we NEVER had anyone over. I guess it's mostly because I couldn't handle the stress...and now I know why...but I think I managed to keep myself together enough today. I hate when people see me stressed...it's like I look weak, like I can't handle something so simple as having company over. I hate that feeling. I love my daughter, and I think she's the main reason that I managed to keep myself together....either that or the possible embarrassment of "loosing it." Either way...doesn't matter.
After everyone left I got a wonderful text from my mother, "Aren't you going to call so we can sing Happy Birthday to Ali?" ummm...hello? Shouldn't THEY be the ones calling her, not the other way around....??? I'm a bit confused. On top of that, they (and my sister) gave her an online gift card for Children's Place...a store I don't shop at for Bug because of their prices being ridiculously high. I've told them several times that if they want to get her one for Wal-Mart...a place we actually shop at for her clothes. I might be able to get her, maybe, two outfits with the gift cards...if I'm lucky. My family drives me crazy...sometimes I wish I could dis-own them. They have this thing of making my life miserable at the worst times, and then I end up stressed out for the remainder of the day. I try to ignore them...but it doesn't ever seem to work. They'll block their number before they call, and I have this terrible habit of answering the phone on blocked numbers, because I have friends who have unlisted numbers and that's what shows up when they call. I hate my family. I hate my life. I'm tired of always having to put on this facade that everything is okay...when it's not, and I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to RJ because he wouldn't understand the hell I go through everyday...it's like I'm mentally spinning out of control and I'm going to eventually crash. I just want it all to end...to go away...but I know if I end it all then all my control will just be given to the fate of the world. I've got no control over anything...not even my emotions, I don't understand it.
Then there's RJ...who can't keep track of ANYTHING. The school gave him a day-timer of sorts, and a week into freakin' school and he's already lost it!!! He can't even keep track of days that I tell him that he needs to take Bug to her appointments...I'm going to have to text him just to remind him, either that or rush to get her from school...get her from her appointment, and get her back to school....he's impossible. It's like today, he told I couldn't work on my homework at all...because of the Sabbath, which understand. Then, not even before sunset...he's at the table working on HIS homework...I'm so sick of him saying I can't do something and then HE does it himself. Like tomorrow, I'm going to have to go to the library to work on my homework just so he can get his done on the computer, because we only have one computer...why the heck couldn't he do it at school after school or show up early to work on it there??? It seems like he ALWAYS waits till he's home to work on any of it. So, now I get to spend, probably, my entire day at the library just to get mine done. I'm almost at the point of telling him to pack his bag and get the hell out of MY APARTMENT!! The main reason I don't is because of Bug...that and I know he wouldn't have anyplace to go...he wouldn't be able to make it on his own, because neither of us have jobs and we're barely making it by off of what little is left from our tax return and the money that the state gave us for the month of March, which we're not getting next month...because to them neither of us can go to school and do job searches...which is bull shit, because RJ's only in school for 1/2 the day and he can do some quick job searches and then work on his homework...he just doesn't want to do the work to help us make it by. I'm having to try to search for a part-time job just so that we have something to help us pay the bills and replace the clothes that Bug's growing out of. I'm not sure I can wait until both of us graduate and get a divorce, which is our agreement. We're getting ready to move into a 4 bedroom house and he wants to give it up and wait until summer to get a house...I keep trying to explain to him that this is a great opportunity being handed to us (because we got bumped up on the waiting list so that we could get this house)...I think it's mostly because of the fact that I made it very clear that I would be, eventually, getting a room of my own and he would get one of his own. I think he's finally realizing that there's really nothing left to our relationship. I've been trying to be distant to him lately, just to get it through his thick head that I look at him more like a brother/friend than a husband...but I don't think he's getting it. I don't know. I'm just sick of it all...I want to find a deep dark hole and stay in it forever.
I'm sick of it all...
I want it all to just end or go away...
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