Mentally Fucked

Well, I found out that I qualify for the state's ABD program, so I got my medical back...and I'll be getting some cash assistance. The downfall to that, RJ will be getting most of it. They're pulling the child support out of what little money I get. It's so freakin' screwed up I'm ticked. I hardly get anything, because I'm on my own...what money I was depending on to pay my bills and what-not his stupid lazy ass is getting. He's not in school...not employed, and yet getting most of the money that I'm supposed to get. All of that is on top of the money he's already getting from the freakin' state!!! This is making it impossible for me to even "survive" out here. If it weren't for Bug...I'd go back home. I'm done. This bullshit is tearing me apart...I don't know what to do to get my child support payments lowered...I can't afford the $187 a month that they're asking. With what they're making me pay and the fact that I know he's not going to use it all for Bug...I might as well just give up on trying. It's not like I'm going to "win" come December. If I do get custody...I'm not going to be able to keep my job at the caff because I'll have to be home with her. I won't have any income to be able to provide for her...what kind of life will I be able to offer her??? I can't guarantee that I'll stay in the right mental state all the time to be able to properly take care of her...he's right, I'm too (mentally) fucked up to take care of her. I don't know what I was thinking when I thought I could get custody of her...who am I fooling??? I can't even take care of myself...let alone a 10 y/o.

Happy Day

Well, yesterday was a little frustrating...but I managed to work through it. I had a hard time emotionally, and I couldn't figure out why I was having such a hard time. I wish I could nail down why I was feeling so emotional yesterday...it just seemed to come out of nowhere. I did however enjoy Dr. Bob's Counseling Psychology class that I'm, basically, a guinea pig in the class for this quarter...it's great information, however, for me to learn (even though I won't get credit for being in the class). I think I'm really going to enjoy the class. I had fun yesterday, he had me sit in front of the class and the students got to one at a time "play" counselor with me to figure out one thing that I (really) struggle with...when one of the guys (the only one to volunteer) got the base "issue" for me- the fact that I'm a lesbian. When I finally did "come out" to them, pretty much everyone got quiet and their demeanor changed as well. He ran out of questions to ask, wasn't sure where to go from there. Several of them became rather uncomfortable by who I am and what I "represent" here on campus. I told them that anything they ask, I'll be honest, and that nothing they ask me will "hurt my feelings." Basically, I'm learning to be bluntly honest...otherwise it doesn't do me or anyone else any good. I guess it's thanks to my brother that I'm learning to be blunt when I answer people. It's a good trait to learn.
Today has gone a bit better though...I had volleyball, which was fun :) I love it, not just because I enjoy the game, because I got a good workout...you hardly ever stand still. I'm looking forward to the girl's volleyball game tomorrow night :) tee hee hee :) I also had the coolest thing happen today...
So, I was walking home from a meeting with the Collegian news staff when the manager of the SAC (food area) and the caff stops me and asks me if my hair colour is permanent, I'd told him that it (eventually) washes out. We'd talked about how he wants to do streaks in his hair for breast cancer awareness month, I told him where he could go and what he'd need to ask when it comes to getting the hair colour. After our conversation, I went daring (even though I was still in my PT gear), asked if they were hiring. He had me go upstairs with him, fill out an application, and pick my hours from what was still available...I'm so excited!!! Even though it's not the most "fashionable" job, it's a job and I start on Friday :) YaY!!! Today definitely made up for the kinda' crummy way I was feeling yesterday. I'm just really happy right now :) :) :) :)

Volleyball :)

Well, today was a pretty good day...even with my loving brother irritating me. It was a bit of a challenge not getting upset with him, because I know that he was just picking on me (I think). I'm just glad I got to see him during the day today, not something that normally happens. It was kind of coincidental that I did, we just both happened to need to go to DSHS around the same time today. Then I went to my first sporting event here at WWU, girls volleyball. I will definitely be attending more girl's sports events. I forgot how much good they look in their uniforms. One of my ex's used to play girl's volleyball and I went to every one of the home games, even after she broke up with me :)
Over all, today was pretty laid back...which, lately, is rather unusual. I really enjoyed it. I did have a few moments where I felt like crap, which I couldn't figure out why...but I made it through them instead of getting stuck in them. I actually ate today, which lately is unusual...I'm told that I need to at least eat something, even if I don't "feel" hungry. I'm working on eating something during the day, even if it's just a piece of fruit. Another thing I'm working on is waking up early, and staying awake, in the morning...not an easy one for me, especially lately. Mornings are usually the hardest for me, ever since RJ taking off. I thought that by moving out of the house, things would get easier but they just got harder. It's weird.
Anyways, enough about that....
My day, overall, was good...and that's what matters most.

...Family

Well, thankfully yesterday went a whole lot better. I had a huge weight, temporarily, lifted off of my shoulders…only downfall to it, I do still have to, somehow, come up with the 2k…which by end of quarter will definitely be 3k. I really need to find a job…somewhere…anywhere. I’ve got a few leads, which I will be looking into today. I’m just hoping that one of these leads works out. I need to show that I have stable income and a stable place to stay by the next court date in December…which, turns out, is during review week…could this possibly get any more inconvenient? But, I have to look at the up side to this, I still have my apartment, I start classes next week, I (hopefully) get Ali in a few weeks…things are still good. I’m learning to step back and evaluate things before getting upset about the negative.
I'll be taking on a roommate to cut down on the cost of things around the apartment. Hopefully with that, I'll be able to pay the deposit with the power company...freakin' $110. I find out this week if I qualify for the ABD program with DSHS...I'm really hoping that I do. I don't like having to utilize state resources, realistically - I don't have a choice. I'm a student with no job, no income, and in need of help for food, medical, and cash to pay bills. My only other option is either rob a bank (which I'm not doing) or donate plasma/some internal organ. I don't really have anything I can sell. I've, for the most part, sold everything I possibly can. If I can get someone to buy the XBox, then I'll sell it. Right now, I just need the money to survive. My family likes to throw a fit whenever I get my hair done, even though all I'm paying for is the hair cut...not getting it coloured. Though they don't want to listen to the fact that what I have put in my hair (the dye) I own, I have for a few months now...and the bleach kit, my hairdresser provided. Again, only paying for the haircut. Yet they tell me I need to put Bug first...I do! I just needed a hair cut!!! My family confuses me.
I wish I would have gotten more sleep last night, but it just means I go to bed, hopefully earlier tonight. I've gotten into the habit of waking up between 0715 and 0745, which is good because I have biology lab at 0800 on Tuesdays and Biology class at 0900 on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Starting to wake up early is a potential good thing. Just getting to the point of staying asleep at night that's going to be the challenge. I'm praying that it happens before Sunday, because classes start on Monday.
I love being here, and this far from my family.

Hell Inside

Yesterday evening/last night was rough...I was at the end of my ability of dealing with anything, down to life in general. I was having what my, loving, brother referred to as a "Borderline moment"...maybe he's right. I ended up crying myself to sleep last night, after he and I talked for about an hour...I wrote up a "safety contract" that I wouldn't harm myself. Was probably a good idea...though I sat on my bed staring at the rope that I had intended on hanging myself with, I suddenly had Bug's face run through my mind and broke down into tears. I'm so scared of RJ "winning" this full court case and getting permanent full custody of Bug. It's just hard to think of not having her around anymore...like he would be taking her away from me. Again, I know that's the Borderline in me...but it's not like it's something I can just "turn off." There are times I wish I could just "turn it off" and be somewhat "normal." I've not known, most of my life, what its like to truly "feel," everything feels more like a blur of emotions...not knowing how I'm going to feel from one moment to the next. It sucks! Those that don't know, don't understand. It's only those who, admittedly, have it that truly understand what someone else who has BPD goes through each day...the, emotional, hell I go through each day. I try to stay in a positive mood, yet there are days...try as I might, I'm unsuccessful. I'm going to start to keep notes on my moods and medication each day, so that when I see Varnell I'm able to know what I want to talk about, as far as my medication. Which right now, I'd like to be on something that'll help with my depression. That's the one thing that I'd love to get under control...it's the one thing that I can't seem to kick, no matter how hard I try...I try to put the facade on that "everything's okay." Just to keep people from worrying about me. I don't want others to know about the hell I'm really going through inside.

I hate it.

"Death"

Death is coming
Death is near
Death is whispering in my ear
As it comes closer now
The whispers they tell me how
How to put an end
End this pain
End this shame
They do tell me
That it will be swift
It will be quick
Death is coming for me now
I wish it
I will it
To end all things now

Gone

I’m at the point where I just want to say fuck it all, and get rid of everything. I’m so tired of having to go through everything by myself, but I’m afraid that if I do that and then I get Bug back that I’ll be kicking myself for a very long time. What I might just do is go through everything all over again and just keep what I absolutely can’t part with…books, pictures, some of Bug’s toys, etc. and then chunk the rest. I think that, that would make this whole process much easier and slim down everything by a hell of a lot. Besides being tired of dealing with having to go through everything, I’m just tired of life in general. I try to have fun and all, but the more I try…the more I feel like shit. I coloured my hair “punk” colours, and had fun doing it – in fact I love the way it looks, but I hate the way I feel. It’s hard to explain…the best way I can put it is, I wish I could just crawl into a hole and disappear. It would take a while for anyone to realize that I’m gone. I live alone, my “sunshine’s” been taken from me and I don't really get to see her…I’ve got nothing left. Its just not worth the pain anymore. Yeah, I’ve got my book that I need to finish typing up…but its not like anyone is going to read it…I sent the first two chapters to my brother to figure out if the flow of the story is good and to get his, brutally, honest opinion on it…but personally, I’m not sure it’s that good. I wrote it when I was 16 and finished when I was 18…I did an epilog to hint to another book, but I can’t come up with anything for a second book. I used to be a good writer, but now the only thing I’m good at is poetry – even that is…eh, ok. I don’t think I want to finish typing this story up. I don’t know if I want to continue going on like everything is ok…I have to put this façade up as though I’m ok, just so that people believe it and don’t worry or have any concern about how I’m really doing. I’m back to telling everyone what they want to hear, not what I’d like to tell them…no one really wants to know how I’m doing, no one cares.

I’m alone…
…all alone.

Pure Enjoyment

Well, today ended up being busier than expected...which made time go by rather quickly. I had a meeting at DSHS with their social worker to do my intake for their ABD (Aged, Blind, and Disabled) program, which would get me not only medical, but cash and keep my on food assistance. Which would be helpful, considering the last few interviews I had, I blew. I had such an anxiety issue during them, I couldn't sit still or talk clearly...to top all matters off, I couldn't keep eye contact at all. I hate interviews. I wouldn't mind finding a job, but I can't seem to make it through the interview part. My job with Blockbuster, that lasted the longest out of any job I'd ever had (lasted just over 3 years), the manager was very understanding of my anxiety issues and even helped me out when I was working. She and most of the shift leaders knew how to tell if I couldn't handle being on register anymore and would have me check movies in, take stock count...anything else. Then the new manager took over the store and wasn't willing to work with me...hence my getting fired from that job. I enjoy working, it's just really hard to do tedious work. Most of my jobs have been tedious work after a short time. I would always try to do my best, but...I don't know, people (co-workers) would just annoy me...and, well, my filter between my brain and mouth wouldn't always work. Unfortunately, I would often get into trouble, fired, because of my "moodiness" (unpredictable mood). I look forward to the day that I'm 100% stable on my medication; which would take my shrik listening to me (not likely to happen) and put me on what I know works. I just wish I had a doctor that would listen to me, for once...it's my freaking body!!! I know what does and doesn't work damn it!!!

On a positive note...
While going through stuff in my storage "closet," I found a bunch of poems that I wrote back in high school :) I'm happy :) I also found the book I wrote back in high school, now I can go through it and re-type it out and fix the errors. It won't be anything I really publish, not for sale at least. I'll have just a few copies published for a few select people. I wrote it for fun, not with the purpose of publishing and selling it...that's how I'd want to keep it. I love to write, but I don't want to be anything like my sister, writing to make money. I do it for the pure enjoyment of it. Now, working for the school newspaper, that's another story...that's not really writing I "enjoy," that I do for the purpose of making money. There's a difference between writing you enjoy and writing you do for the purpose of making money...they should never be intertwined, at least in my personal opinion. I love to write :) but it's not my life, it's only a fraction of who I am.


"Above all else: To thine own self be true..."

"Stuff"

Well, today went okay...I went and got my application for Section 8 housing filled out and turned in, after getting completely turned around in downtown Walla Walla. It was only supposed to be about 1/2 mile walk from the bus stop to the Walla Walla Housing Authority office...I ended up walking a mile before finding the office. But it was a much enjoyed walk. Other than that...pretty uneventful day. Went through boxes, tossed a bunch of "stuff." Mostly things that were mine, but it's all only "stuff," not like an of it can't be, eventually, replaced...if I really need to. Honestly, I don't think I'll miss much, if any, of it. I'm learning to look at belongings from a different perspective. A lot of it, I haven't seen in, at least, a year...if I haven't missed it this long, I doubt I'll miss it in 3, 6, 12 months or longer. It's all "things," my daughter cannot be replaced...there's only one of her. I'm looking at not only "things" but life in an entirely new perspective...life is too valuable to worry about the "stuff" we own. I think this situation that I'm going through is a learning experience on what's important and what isn't, though it's not easy. But, then again...if things were ever meant to be easy, we wouldn't learn from any of it. Life is an ongoing lesson that we always learn something new from it. "Above all else: To thine own self be true..."

Stuck

*sigh*I'm stuck in a position that isn't easy...I want to stay in the Walla Walla area, I like it out here...I have a good support system out here...hell, I have friends out here. The down fall of me staying out here is I wouldn't get to see Bug that much. I move back out to Western Washington, I have no friends, no support system...I have nothing out there, except my daughter. It's a double edge sword...I move, I get to see Bug more than what is on the temporary parenting plan; I stay here, I don't get to see Bug quite as much as I'd like to, but I have a good support system and great friends.

Ever since RJ took off, things have been weird for me...you never realize how much you depend on someone else's presence until they're not there anymore. I'm having to depend on myself for everything, which isn't something I'm used to having to do. I moved into this apartment only a few weeks ago, and I have to move out already. This sucks! I know that this problem is external and that I need to work through it, it just feels impossible. Me moving out might end up being a good thing, but I won't know until it’s already happened. RJ called today telling me that Dennis and Tracy are willing to help move mine and RJ’s belongings if I help out with gas costs, not a problem...I was planning on borrowing money from my family to rent the trailer (which doesn’t cost a lot) so that I can get my belongings moved. Then he told me that I have to get rid of somewhere around 75-90% of MY belongings, including furniture. So, now I’m having to go through all of my stuff, not that I wasn’t already doing so, and get rid of more things then I was planning. The way I look at it right now is, it’s just “stuff”...not like it can’t be replaced if I need it again. I am going to be able to keep all of my books, which I’m happy about. Now I’m down to where the heck am I going to stay while I’m out there? At least until I get a job and am able to get a place of my own…my brother said he would, except right now he’s got him, his partner, and 8 other people staying with him. Which is understandable, even with being in a good size place (he’s in a 4 bedroom house) things can/will eventually become cramped. I’m just at the point of, wtf am I going to do come the end of the month??? If I don’t find someone I can stay with, soon, I’m going to have to look into shelter programs…as much as I’d rather not. For the first time in my life, I’m scared of, “what’s going to happen?” I don’t know…maybe I’m becoming scared for no reason. I’m going to be applying for “Section 8” housing tomorrow…but there’s at least a 6 month waiting period. *sigh* What am I supposed to do for that 6 months??? I’m doing what I can to better myself, and what I have to in order to get custody of my daughter. I know that normally it’s three steps forward and one step back, right now it feels like one step forward and five steps back. I’m trying to stay positive, but today it seems really hard to do so. I’m trying the best I can to try to keep this in perspective that this can be worked through; trying to figure out how is what’s getting to me. When we lived in Western Washington I was able to figure out or find resources for pretty much anything…out here, with such few resources…I don’t know where to turn. Even though I know a few people here, I don’t feel comfortable asking any of them if I can stay at their place until my brother in Shoreline can let me stay with him or I get into “Section 8” housing…whichever happens first.

Besides all that mess…I’m sick and tired of this stinkin’ sprinkler shooting through my window at 4a…I’ve been remembering, most nights, to shut my window before I fall asleep. Well, needless to say, last night I forgot to…I got a face full of water around 4a. Yiesh!!! When I woke up around 8a, I was able to look back and laugh about my mistake and how I deserved the face full of water. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to make that mistake again tonight, or for the rest of the week either. Other than the few irritations, in which I ranted about, my day has actually been pretty good. Going through stuff has been a little stressful, but it’s something that needed to be done anyways. I just, having to do it in such a short amount of time, am getting a bit stressed and overwhelmed. Though I’ve found my gerbils to be of great humor today, I’m sitting watching them and apparently I’ve got two trouble makers. Watching them, I found that two of them have figured out how to climb on the wheel and chew on the top edge of the fish tank they’re in…and damned if the other two catch on…I think I’m going to be in trouble here before too long. Though, this is humorous because they’ll get their balance and then one of the others will start running on the wheel, knocking them down. This is too funny…cheep amusement :) Gotta’ love it :)

Yashuah loves me regardless of who I am.

I love myself for who I am, regardless of what others may say or think.

"Above all else: To thine own self be true..."

Writing and Reading

I've discovered, I'm starting to write more and more in my online "journal" (blog) than my actual journal. It's just become easier to use my online journal lately...I'll type it out on my computer in "Word Pad" and then cut and paste it into my journal when I'm able to get online...it forces me to look at what I'm writing/I've written vs. before when I would just type and not pay attention to a thing I've written. I think it's important for me to see the thoughts and feelings I'm getting out, otherwise I won't be able to know what I need to work through, instead of getting everything out and bottling up all of the feelings behind what I've written. I'm making this one of the sections of my puzzle, working out my emotions and feelings...not just on my own, but knowing what needs to be worked through. In the end, it'll make my time in counseling more productive...I'll know exactlly what I want to talk to, or am ready to talk about.
For one to have to read what they're writing in their journal after not reading it in a ,very long time...it's odd. I can say that on a 0-10 scale, 0 being wanting to put needles in my eyes 10 being wanting to streak in public, on my comfort level when it comes to me reading what I write....I'm at about a 3. This isn't something that I'm used to, but in time I'm sure I'll get used to it. It's like pulling a band-aide off slowely, hurts at first...but then not so much.
In time I'll read all of my journal posts, one by one. Again, in time...slowly. Things that are productive to bettering one's self, it often takes time...what we want and what Yashuah intends for our lives are often two different things. Right now, I'm thinking that even though I've only lived here a short time...I feel as though I'm possibly being lead in another direction. What is intended for my life right now, I don't know...all I know is that I need to continue to listen to Him. I've often looked at life as being one step foward and two steps back...when in actuality, it's three steps foward and one step back. We, as humans with having our own choice, are constantly running away from Yashuah and ourselves....when we run He continues to follow us. He chases after us, unlike our friends or family...they eventually get tired of chasing after us and wait to see if we come back around, if we do - great...but if we don't - we don't. That's just the way life is, we can't run from ourselves or others forever...we must, eventually, face our own deamonds and work through them - regardless of how hard or painful it may be...if we don't we will never find true happiness in ourselves or the world.
I'm done running.

Yashuah loves me regardless of who I am.
I love myself for who I am, regardless of what others may say or think.
"Above all else: To thine own self be true..."

Life's a Puzzle

"Hello, I'm Danni, I'm a lesbian and a transsexual."

My life's journey has not been an easy one...but who ever said it was going to be easy. If things were meant to be easy, then we wouldn't learn from them. A new page in my life, my journey, has been turned...now I just have to work through it. Often times working through a part of life's journey is like doing a 1000+ piece puzzle, you have to do it one piece at a time and usually working around the edges first helps get to the center of the puzzle. First I have to work through the outside influences, problems, and internalize them so that they are my problems not everyone else's. Right now, I'm still working on part of the outside edges...though I've managed my way through parts of the edges and some bits of the center pieces, but I still have a while until the puzzle is complete. Though not having custody of my daughter is extremelly hard, I'd be a liar if I said otherwise, but it gives me time to work through this puzzle of self-discovery. I've been able to figure out bits and pieces of who I really am, but for now it's putting those pieces together and figuring out who I am as a whole. The hardest thing today, talking to my brother, was admitting outloud, part of, who I am and putting a personalization (saying my name) with it. I need to admit who I am, and not be ashamed of it. I CAN NOT be affraid or ashamed of who I am, if I continue to be I'll just be destroying myself. I need to be accepting of myself before I can expect people to accept me for who I am. I also need to stop living the way people think, say, or expect me to...I need to stop depending on what others say and start depending on just myself. I need to get out of the, "so what do you think if..." mentality, I have my own thoughts and opinions and need to start living by them. If I continue to depend on them, I won't be setting a very good example for Bug. I want her to know that its not a bad thing to be independant and live the way you think you should, not depending on other people's thoughts and opinions.

"Above all else: To thine own self be true."

Frustrated

Well, my mother asked me last night why I preferr wearing men's clothes vs women's, I ended up telling her that it's because I'm more comfortable in them. What I wanted to say was, "because I'm transsexual, plus it's the way I'm comfortable dressing." However, I can't seem to bring myself to tell her. I don't know if its because I'm scared of her reaction or me just trying to appease her by not saying anything. *sigh* I'm trying to live by, "Above all: to thine own self be true." -William Shakesphear But its really hard to live by when you're still not fully accepting of yourself. I still, at times, look at myself trying to figure out “why me?" I don't understand why I was born the way I was...no one else in my family, that I know of, is this physically and mentally screwed up.
Anyhow...I left this morning for my court date on tomorrow morning. I'm not looking foward to this. I get her back right now, towards the end of this month I won't know where we're going to live...unless I come up with $2000 towards my tuition. I don't get her back, I may loose my mind..yet I'll still loose my apartment. Either way you look at it, it's a loose, loose situation. There's no way of me coming up with that much money, especially not in two weeks...its just impossible. I asked my sister if I could borrow money from her, and she's unable to. I fear asking my mother and father, even though it would be to help out their only grandchild. This is just frustrating...when it rains, it freaking pours. At this rate, I'm going to have to go back home to my parent's house...which, honestly, is the last place I want to have to go. Unfortunately, it may be the only choice I have. Even then, I don't think I'd be able to do that...I don't think I'd be able to leave the state with her. So...that would mean RJ would get custody of her...then I'd hardly ever get to see her. I need to figure something out, and SOON. When I get her back, I don't want to loose her again.

Oi...Men!!!

Men, they have things so easy. They don't have to sit down to urinate, they don't have to shave their legs...hell, if they don't want to they don't have to shave their facial hair. Not to mention they have an easier time masturbating and having sex. Women...have to sit to urinate (which sucks when you're taking a bath, the seat ends up wet), they have to shave their legs (otherwise it's socially un acceptable), if they get even one black facial hair they have to pluck it (which isn't the most comfortable thing to have to do), masturbating and sex suck...you lie on your back and pray to have an orgasm (if not it just sucks). Maybe it's just the fact that I don't feel I was ment to be born a female, I'm physically female but mentally male (transsexual). I'm more comfortable wearing men's clothes, "acting" like one of the guys...its just the way I feel more like myself. I wear women's clothes and I'm so uncomfortable...I don't know how to explain it. I hate who I am, physically. It doesn't feel like who I should be. At times, it's confusing for me. There are times people refer to me as a female...then there are times people refer to me as a guy. I've found that either way I don't care, but I find...enjoyment...when people look at me as a guy. I don't correct them either way, because both are fitting to me.
I was reading over the divorce papers, and he's giving me the choice to change my name to whatever I want...I'm considering changing my first name to "Danni," seeing that, that's what I go by anyway. But then, I don't want to upset my parents...they both lay claim to picking out my first name. That and neither of them will call me by my preferred name. If I change it, I don't think they'd call me by my new legal name, regardless how I feel. I've already told my mother that I don't want to be called "Danielle" because that's not what I go by. I dunno'? I know that it's my decision in the end...but input from my friends, if they'd call me by "Danni" or not. I know that my brother and his family would, because that's what they already call me. *sigh*
Another issue I'm facing is deciding to, eventually, start taking testosteron supliments or not. I know that I'll never be able to afford the surgery, but the supliments would atleast give me some of the effects that I'm looking for...maybe I'm just going wacky?