Yesterday evening/last night was rough...I was at the end of my ability of dealing with anything, down to life in general. I was having what my, loving, brother referred to as a "Borderline moment"...maybe he's right. I ended up crying myself to sleep last night, after he and I talked for about an hour...I wrote up a "safety contract" that I wouldn't harm myself. Was probably a good idea...though I sat on my bed staring at the rope that I had intended on hanging myself with, I suddenly had Bug's face run through my mind and broke down into tears. I'm so scared of RJ "winning" this full court case and getting permanent full custody of Bug. It's just hard to think of not having her around anymore...like he would be taking her away from me. Again, I know that's the Borderline in me...but it's not like it's something I can just "turn off." There are times I wish I could just "turn it off" and be somewhat "normal." I've not known, most of my life, what its like to truly "feel," everything feels more like a blur of emotions...not knowing how I'm going to feel from one moment to the next. It sucks! Those that don't know, don't understand. It's only those who, admittedly, have it that truly understand what someone else who has BPD goes through each day...the, emotional, hell I go through each day. I try to stay in a positive mood, yet there are days...try as I might, I'm unsuccessful. I'm going to start to keep notes on my moods and medication each day, so that when I see Varnell I'm able to know what I want to talk about, as far as my medication. Which right now, I'd like to be on something that'll help with my depression. That's the one thing that I'd love to get under control...it's the one thing that I can't seem to kick, no matter how hard I try...I try to put the facade on that "everything's okay." Just to keep people from worrying about me. I don't want others to know about the hell I'm really going through inside.
I hate it.
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