Mentally Fucked

Well, I found out that I qualify for the state's ABD program, so I got my medical back...and I'll be getting some cash assistance. The downfall to that, RJ will be getting most of it. They're pulling the child support out of what little money I get. It's so freakin' screwed up I'm ticked. I hardly get anything, because I'm on my own...what money I was depending on to pay my bills and what-not his stupid lazy ass is getting. He's not in school...not employed, and yet getting most of the money that I'm supposed to get. All of that is on top of the money he's already getting from the freakin' state!!! This is making it impossible for me to even "survive" out here. If it weren't for Bug...I'd go back home. I'm done. This bullshit is tearing me apart...I don't know what to do to get my child support payments lowered...I can't afford the $187 a month that they're asking. With what they're making me pay and the fact that I know he's not going to use it all for Bug...I might as well just give up on trying. It's not like I'm going to "win" come December. If I do get custody...I'm not going to be able to keep my job at the caff because I'll have to be home with her. I won't have any income to be able to provide for her...what kind of life will I be able to offer her??? I can't guarantee that I'll stay in the right mental state all the time to be able to properly take care of her...he's right, I'm too (mentally) fucked up to take care of her. I don't know what I was thinking when I thought I could get custody of her...who am I fooling??? I can't even take care of myself...let alone a 10 y/o.