Gone

I’m at the point where I just want to say fuck it all, and get rid of everything. I’m so tired of having to go through everything by myself, but I’m afraid that if I do that and then I get Bug back that I’ll be kicking myself for a very long time. What I might just do is go through everything all over again and just keep what I absolutely can’t part with…books, pictures, some of Bug’s toys, etc. and then chunk the rest. I think that, that would make this whole process much easier and slim down everything by a hell of a lot. Besides being tired of dealing with having to go through everything, I’m just tired of life in general. I try to have fun and all, but the more I try…the more I feel like shit. I coloured my hair “punk” colours, and had fun doing it – in fact I love the way it looks, but I hate the way I feel. It’s hard to explain…the best way I can put it is, I wish I could just crawl into a hole and disappear. It would take a while for anyone to realize that I’m gone. I live alone, my “sunshine’s” been taken from me and I don't really get to see her…I’ve got nothing left. Its just not worth the pain anymore. Yeah, I’ve got my book that I need to finish typing up…but its not like anyone is going to read it…I sent the first two chapters to my brother to figure out if the flow of the story is good and to get his, brutally, honest opinion on it…but personally, I’m not sure it’s that good. I wrote it when I was 16 and finished when I was 18…I did an epilog to hint to another book, but I can’t come up with anything for a second book. I used to be a good writer, but now the only thing I’m good at is poetry – even that is…eh, ok. I don’t think I want to finish typing this story up. I don’t know if I want to continue going on like everything is ok…I have to put this façade up as though I’m ok, just so that people believe it and don’t worry or have any concern about how I’m really doing. I’m back to telling everyone what they want to hear, not what I’d like to tell them…no one really wants to know how I’m doing, no one cares.

I’m alone…
…all alone.