Never Enough Time

What little time I get with my daughter never seems like enough...when I have her, time always seems to fly by. It always breaks my heart to have to bring her back to my ex...I just want her to stay with me, just one more day, one more moment, one more memory. It's never enough. I love her to death. Life is SO unfair. I did everything over the almost two years of waiting to have everything finalized to show that I am more fit than my ex...yet the asshole ended up with custody. At first my ex tried using the fact that I'm transgender and going through the steps of having my gender changed, thankfully the judge did not accept that as a valid reason for me being considered "unfit"...then he pull the "mentally unstable" card and the judge believed his bullshit. I should have never had my therapist write a letter at all, that way my ex had no proof of me being in counseling, on medication or my diagnosis. I need my daughter...I need more time with her. She needs me in her life as well...she needs to live with me and not in the ghetto that she is currently living in. The apartment complex that she is living in is a dump - I (thanks to my brother's help) dropped her off at my ex's apartment and we (my brother and I) had to hold our breath when we walked by the laundry room area going back to the car...it stunk that bad. OMG...if the laundry room, where everyone in the complex does their laundry stinks that bad - what does that say about the apartments? Yiesh! At least with me, she would be in a safe environment where she can safely go out and play and not have to worry about anything.

It's never enough time with her...just one more day, one more moment, one more memory - is that too much to ask?

Free to be myself??? Really?

This is something that I have struggled with for years...the ability to REALLY be myself. There are still times that I can't be true to myself. The small things that people take for granted each and every day tend to be an on going struggle for me - for instance, going to the bathroom...I've become accustom to going to whatever gender neutral bathroom (or single bathroom) I can find, especially here on campus; however, there is not always one available for me to utilize. What then??? Well, I (if it's empty) use the men's restroom and if someone enters the bathroom while I'm in there I will either try to slip out without them noticing or wait until they leave and then leave as quick as I can...though a lot of the time I find myself holding it. I think the longest, this quarter, I've had to hold it was two class periods (about two hours). I know that I shouldn't have to do that, but I'm still scared of repercussions of using the bathroom for which I gender identify as. As much as I really enjoy going to school here, I'm not sure how much more I can handle it. I still get rude comments from some of the other students here, yet if I'm back at the point to where I feel like if I tell anyone they're not going to believe me...so I go without saying anything anymore. I can't remember what they look like, so it's not like I can report them...I could remember their voice if I heard it again, but their face - I'm not sure. It's like I got called an "it" last week by another student...now, normally I would be able to "shake it off" and not have it bother me, but I was already in a low point - emotionally. I hate feeling like this, especially when Bug is here...I was hoping to get past this. Lately, little things seem to be setting me off...and then when I get asked if everything is okay, I want to answer "no"...but the only thing I can seem to give is that things are fine or okay. The main reason that I'm not saying that, "no things are not okay" is because I'm not sure exactly what is wrong. So, it would be pointless for me to say that things are not okay, because I would not be able to say why things are not okay. There are even times around my brother and his family where I'm not 100% comfortable with being myself...I wore a tank top once, and only once, and could tell that my brother was not completely comfortable with it...hence the "only once". If I am wearing just a tank top, it's only in my room...my room seems to be the only place I can TRUELY be myself, everywhere else is more of a "neutral zone". I know that because my brother and his family knew me before I started to transition, things are still a bit rough...especially since I've had my top surgery. I also know that they love and accept me for who I am and what not...hell maybe it's  my emotions being "out of whack". Who the hell knows anymore. All I do know is that I can't REALLY be myself all of the time, not like I would like to. That and, since my transition, there are a lot of people who I kind of looked up to and though were friends who now treat me like a lesser person... it makes life rough, because I don't know who is really my friend and who is just a "sometimes friend". It's kind of like the Tuesday LGBTQ meetings that I used to go to, I quit going because it was more like an LG(sometimes)B meeting...freaking forget the TQ. Being the most, obviously, different one there...I was left to feel like the odd ball out. It wasn't like they missed me when I wasn't there anyhow...I would get asked if I knew why other people hadn't shown up, but never once why I hadn't shown up. Hell, if I noticed someone wasn't there...next time I saw them I would ask them if they were okay and make some sort of comment asking how come I hadn't seen them...but that's just me. I try to show concern for those around me. Even during the Tuesday meetings I couldn't really be me, I tried it once (only once) and I got ignored for the rest of the meeting, anything I tried to say to be involved in the conversation got ignored. Most situations, I try not to talk much anymore...what I have to say doesn't seem to matter much anyhow.

All I want is to be accepted for who I am by people around me....

Frustrated...

So this week has been just one thing after another with my ex. First we had agreed to have Bug dropped off at our, court ordered, meet up place early so that no one is stuck driving in the dark...we both agreed to that - that was some time around Tuesday. Then last night I get a call saying that our agreed upon plan is going to be a no go...then I get a call this morning that the meet up point is going to have to change due to "weather conditions". The changed meet up would have added an hour to my drive time, I had planned on getting a rental car...then I called the rental car place to check to see what the total for the rental car is going to be, because the insurance I am on doesn't cover rental cars I would have to get insurance through the car rental company, which is ridiculously ridiculously expensive. I'm just so stressed that my stomach is not liking me...I've already gotten sick once.

 ***UPDATE***

Thanks to my brother and his wife, I was able to make it to pick up Bug at the meet up point. Though my ex was a jerk during the pick up...I have her for the long weekend :) Yay! I'm just hoping to be able to keep my mood in check. What didn't terribly surprise me was the number of people that were with him (there was him, the driver and two other people)...kind of ridiculous. As if I'm going to start a scene or do anything stupid in a public location. I just look at it as my ex not being the brightest color in the box. I wish I would have realized how destructive my ex was being towards my mental health sooner. Ever since us separating, except for the stress of not having my daughter, I've been quite a bit less stressed and able to be myself without ridicule from anyone that I live with. My brother, his wife and kids are all cool with me being transgender and they love and accept me for who I really am no matter what. It's great having people around me who really care about me...it's something that I have not experienced for the eleven and a half (or so) years that my ex and I were together...hell I also did not experience it most of my teen years, when I "came out". Now, my family - adopted and some of my biological - are pretty accepting of me. My life has become a bit easier because of this. I still have times where my moods are a bit "out of whack", but that's the joy of having the mental health issues that I do. I'm finally comfortable with being myself, though I do still have some issues with public restrooms...especially when Bug is here. When she's here, I will often hold it until we get back to the house....if we're at the movies, I'll go while she's either playing video games or in watching the movie. She knows I'm transgender, but I'm not sure how much she understands that it entails. I wish there was a way for her to better understand.

...all in time.

Weakness Becomes Me

One thing about my life that I hate the most is my mental health "issues". It is something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life...hell, I have had to deal with it my entire life, most of the time without being medicated. Now, I am medicated and still have my bouts of depression where I do not feel anything - I'm numb to most emotion, and when I do have moments of actually being able to have and show emotion, it's intense emotion (usually anger). I hate being angry...when I get angry I feel weak because often I do not know how to control my anger. When I sense it coming on, I usually try to hold it in so that I do not accidentally take it out on someone. Everything has building up so much lately, I do not know what to do...the one thing I did not want to do, I did. I needed some way of, I guess, having control over everything going on. I needed to know that I could still feel something other than anger. I needed a release. I wish I could say that it 100% helped, then my life would be easier. Now I feel anger, pain, shame, and frustration...I wish I could just shake this. Fuck...I need to by Friday, either that or bury everything deep down for the few days that I have Bug for. I do not get her nearly as much as I would like to, but I try to make what time I do have with her memorable (in a positive way). I haven not been at this point of being emotionally stuck in a very long time. What sucks the most is, the counselor that I see is taking time off and will not be back for about another month, and by the time they could get me in to see someone else she will likely be back. So, essentially, I am stuck with no one to really talk to. Yeah, I have my brother...but he has enough to deal with - I feel like I am a bother to him when I do ask to talk to him. I know that I have terrible timing, I always have...so I have gotten to the point here where I just keep most things to myself. I will ask his opinion on some stuff, but beyond that - I try to not talk to much about how I am really feeling. If asked, I give the simplest answer I can without getting too much into what is really going on. I love my brother and his family to death...they just have their own things that they have to deal with, I do not want to be a bother to them. I already feel like I am. I am learning to accept that I am weak and there really is not much I can do about it.

Which one of these is not like the other...

I remember when my daughter was little her playing this game with one of her therapists (I think it was the speech therapist), "which one of these is not like the other?" And the whole point of it was to figure out how one object/thing was not like the rest. I have discovered that as people we often tend to "play" that game with each other, and those who are not like everyone else...well they just get treated differently, like they are a lesser person. The weird thing is, it's not JUST the heterosexual community that does it...the gay community is just as guilty. Being part of the LGBT community, I often get treated as though I'm a lesser part of that community...why? All because I'm bisexual and transgender. I have noticed for many years that the LGBT community tends to treat bisexuals differently, because "they can't make up their minds"...and then me being transgender - OMG!!! I thought the stigma behind being bisexual was bad...but shit! The people that I thought would be the most accepting, they're some of the LEAST accepting. I'm tired of it...I'm tired of being treated like "the odd ball out". I'm tired of having to dumb things down just to ensure that people around me understand what I'm talking about. I've been dumbing things down for so freaking long that my vocabulary has been effected by it. I want to rebuild my vocabulary...words, unlike riding a bike, are something that if you don't use them you forget them and their meanings. Last time I had an IQ test done on me my IQ score was in the 120 range. I'm not the idiot that some may think I am or that I may be perceived as. I would just rather not come across as one of those people who flaunt their intelligence. I think one of my problems with my classes is the fact that I get bored really easily. Next quarter I'm going to take two classes that are "serious" classes and the rest of my classes I might take classes that I want to take (fun classes). One of the classes that I'm looking at taking is a pottery class. I love being able to do things with my hands (no double entendre intended) and so I want to take a class where I get the chance to work with my hands and enjoy what I'm doing...this is not to say that I don't enjoy my psychology classes, because those are classes that I really enjoy being able to take. I am just at a point with my psychology classes where I can not take anymore until I pass the required math course.

I SO can not wait until the end of this year...I will hopefully get accepted into the school I am applying to and be able to save up the money to move and put money down for my tuition, then I'm getting the hell out of here and going where no one knew me before my transitioning. I'll miss the friends who I have become close to and I'll miss the family that I have out here...but I need a semi-fresh start. I need to be some place where people are more accepting. I just figure that if I'm meant to go there, then things will work out...if I'm not meant to be there and G-d wants me to stay here, then I will be fine with that as well. But there is only so much that one person can do on a conservative campus to try to make a difference. I know that I have made an impact on this campus, because people are not as bad (not everyone though) as they were when I first started going here. People are more aware that no matter the sexual orientation or gender identity of a person, that we are all people and that we all deserve to be treated equally. I think the most important impact that I have made on this campus is the need for equality. I just hope that even after I leave this campus, whenever that may be, that the impact that I have made continues...

Yet another day...

I'm trying to be better at writing at least once a week...I used to write almost every day, but that was before I started back in school. Now it's like I have no life outside of work and school. *sigh* I wish I had more time for my friends, family, and stuff that I'd like to do...
oh well...

Today just started off crappy and pretty much went down hill from there. I woke up earlier than I wanted to and couldn't fall back to sleep. Then when I went to the coffee shop that is university owned and student run, there (literally) wasn't anyone there working, turned out that the person who was supposed to be there had to leave early and didn't make sure that someone would be there to cover for her. LAME!!! I waited 15 minutes before I was finally able to get my freaking coffee, and then I made it to class only to discover that it was made wrong. *sigh* I ended up going back after class and getting another cup of coffee because today was the one day (this quarter) that the psychology club was doing free drink at the coffee shop. The caffeine helped make the day a little more tolerable. The one thing that sucks right now is my therapist is taking some time off and so I won't see her again until mid-March...I have no one I can really talk to. I did finally get my medication filled for my ADD...only took (almost) the entire month! I'm not sure if it's because of insurance or my doctor. Who knows? All I know is that I can't smoke pot anymore, or else he won't prescribe me the medication. It sucks! I have to quit the one thing that helps stabilize my moods so that I can get the medication that helps with my ADD. Too bad the pot can't help with that as well. *sigh* Eh...

One good thing that happened, when I went to Wal-Mart I found this super cute stuffed monkey and then I found a box of Valentine's cookies and the box is shaped like a monkey's head, so I got those for Ali...because she is my little monkey. I'm debating on holding on to them and giving them to her for Valentine's Day or sending them to her for a "just because" gift. I know that she'll love it no matter when she gets 'em.

School has been a whole other ball of stress...I'm not sure I'm going to stay here at WWU after this year. I'm looking at switching schools at the end of the year, partly to be closer to Ali and partly because no matter how hard I may try, I just don't fit in on this campus - I'm still "the odd ball out". Yeah, I have my small group of friends that I enjoy hanging out with...when we all have the time. I would invite them over for lunch or something on a weekend, but I doubt they would have the time - that and with as crowded as we all are here, adding more people would just raise my anxiety level through the roof. I'm thinking when it warms up during spring quarter, we can all plan a park day and do a "potluck" picnic. I dunno'? We tried it last year and hardly anyone showed up.

I need a vacation...I need to get a better paying job, so that I can afford to go on vacation...

I hate being me sometimes. It sucks!

*Whew*

Wow it's been a while since I've updated my blog...so much has been going on these past several months. I've been to court over my divorce more times than I care to have had to spend the money to travel, I've been on testosterone (HRT) for just over a year, I had my top surgery done just over a month ago, my divorce became finalized earlier this month, and the new parenting plan was written by the judge and received by both of us a week or two ago. Oh, and being stressed beyond belief (almost beyond the point of me being able to handle). It's funny, I got my mental health first aid certification this past week, and I don't know how to help myself work through what I'm feeling. Everything has gotten to the point of me having constant severe headaches/migraines, feeling sick, not being able to keep much food down...just out right feeling like crap. I've had to force myself to not stay in my bedroom and being around my roommates. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my roommates...they're family to me. Just being around people right now is difficult. I'm trying not to show it, because then people get worried about me - that's the last thing I want is people worrying about me. Other than that, I am just over one month post-op (top surgery) and feeling pretty good...I still have moments where I'm soar (like when I shiver, I get this sharp pain in my chest). Over all though, I think I'm healing rather well. I know that, even though my brother looks at me as being male...because he knew me before the surgery and HRT, that it's still a little weird for him to see me in a tank top (no compression shirt)...and I doubt I would ever walk around here topless, heck or in a tank top (ever again). I don't want things to be awkward between us and I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me. I'm working on getting the gender marker changed on my driver's license before the start of summer, especially if I end up switching schools - which at this point, I'm not sure if it'll happen or not - doubtful. The only reason that I'm doubtful it'll happen at this point is the factor of me having to move, not being able to go visit the school, and just the fact that I'm not sure my finances will allow it. But we'll see what happens. I may apply for the school I'm looking at without going to visit...probably not the smartest move, but at this point...if it gets me away from here. I'm sick of being here, I love my family, I enjoy what friends I have here; I'm tired of feeling like "the odd ball out". I've been questioning why I freaking chose this school quite a bit lately...why an Adventist school? Why did I choose a school that likely would not be LGBT friendly? I think part of my reasoning for wanting to switch schools, other than my need to be closer to Ali and needing to go to a school that is cheeper, I need to be in an environment that is more accepting. I know that no matter where I go there will be ignorance and people who are narrow minded, but to be on a campus where it feels like majority of the student body is narrow minded and judgmental is not a healthy environment for me. I need to feel like I'm in a safe environment.

I don't feel safe here most of the time...

As if...

Lately it seems like no one gives a damn if I'm here and alive or not...just as long as I make it to work and do what's expected of me or make it to my appointment (s) on time...even then all of that is seeming to become pointless as well. I don't know if any of this is worth it anymore. Who knows? Hell, who gives a damn? I'm not sure I do anymore...what do I have left? RJ took the one thing, person, that means the world to me... <br><br> I guess you could say, I quit caring...

Eh

Well...it's been just over a month since I last posted anything, things have been really crazy (to put it lightly)...it's almost the end of the year and I am SO happy. Even though I am behind on class work, I can't wait until the year is over. I'm contemplating on taking some summer courses, but with having Ali for half of the summer and (possibly) working fulltime, I'm not sure that is going to be a good idea. We'll see what happens. Other than that...life has been...weird. My moods are more unpredictable, again, my shrink won't listen to me and the VA is driving me nuts with all the hoops I am having to jump through. It is like being in the military all over again...hurry up and wait. Annoying, but tollerable. However, my ex is (as usual) being an ass. I can't wait for this bull shit to be over with as well...what stress I am having to deal with is mostly due to this stupid divorce, though I'm not letting it get to me...if I do it will just make me feel more like crap.I had an interview today for a potential decent paying job for the summer today...I'm optomistic on how it went and if I will get the job or not...we shall see. Things have just been crap...it seems like the harder I try on something the worse it gets....it is almost like everything is caving in on me. I hate this feeling.
;"'

Stress

Well, this week has been interesting...the new quarter started in Monday, then on Tuesday night I get a call from RJ offering for me to get Ali in Wednesday through tomorrow. Even though I know that his "kindness" has some sort of motive behind it, but I took advantage of the offer. I'm thankful for my niece, she watched Ali while I was in class for me..but currently I'm having to figure out how I'm going to come up with the money for my airline ticket to go to the court hearing next month. I was going to borrow Ali's birthday and allowance money to help pay for it, but I have a hard time doing that...that and she decided to get a pet snake with her money. I'm not 100% fond of the idea of the pet snake, but through exposure I will get over my fear of snakes. I've already managed to hold it once, though I dropped it when it looked at me. I know it's silly...but I'm afraid of it biting me.
Right now, I'm worried about not being able to purchase the airline ticket, and then not having a shot in the dark of being able to get custody of Ali. I keep getting told to "leave it up to God and to trust that he will provide"...it's hard to trust that it'll all work out when child support is taking just over half my paycheck each week. Shit like that makes "living" difficult. I love my daughter, I know she wants to live out here, but if I don't get the airline ticket...it's not going to be possible. Then there is proving his allegations wrong. I'm at the point of trying to figure out what in the world I did wrong to cause him to leave. I did still care about him...

I seem to have this habit of either push people away or they just leave. In the end...I'll always be alone.

Spring Cleaning

Something that inevitably needs to be done every year...especially with having a kid - going through the toys. Except this year is a bit different, she's not here and I haven't gone through any of her stuff since moving into the apartment. I finally decided that its time to go through her toys today...I got some hooks the other day at Wal-Mart to hang her toy net, so I can get them out of the huge bin and get the bin out of her room, I also got some screws for the toy shelf...but the ones I got are too big. I went to toss the toys in the toy net and got to the bottom of the bin, only to find the sheet that was draped across the stairs the morning I found that he'd taken off with her I'm not sure how much longer I can take her not being here with me. If I were to just end it all today, it would take a few days to notice that I'm not alive anymore...I live alone. It's not like when he took off with her that I was there to notice they were gone. I just want this hurt and pain to go away...I'm done with it.

busy, weird, and some rambling...

Wow! This quarter has had me pretty busy...between school work (most of my time) and some personal business, this quarter is flying by. I'm just hoping the next few weeks don't drag on, dead week and finals week. I finally got my name change official :) as of two weeks ago...I didn't go with the original planned name, I did an entire name change. I went with Asher Quinn M. (for privacy reasons I'm not putting my full last name). I got almost everything taken care of pertaining to my name change...just my cell phone bill is being a pain. The night before my name change became finalized, my mother decided to call me...was an interesting conversation - we talked on the phone for nearly an hour about my being transgender and my name change...both of which they're actually now okay with both. I almost dropped my phone when my mother told me that they were okay with me being transgender, the people who kicked me out for almost three months when I came out to them about being gay (or so I thought) in high school. Now they're suddenly okay with it?!?!? My family confuses me. I love them, but they confuse me.

Ok...different subject (entirely)...

I keep having these weird dreams, I can't explain them at all...I'm post surgery and instead of being with a female, which is what I'm attracted to...I'm with another guy. I'm not talking casually with him, we're very intimate in this dream. I can't explain, nor do I understand, why I'm having sex with another guy in this dream. This is something I wish that I could understand, because then it would, likely, explain a few other things that I'm having to "deal with" lately. I'm not sure if it is the hormones or what...I'm trying to figure out if the hormones can change my way of thinking that much??? I know that they change some of your physical appearances and such, but can they change your thought patterns? If not, then this is the weirdest series of dreams that I have ever experienced.

Hopeful

My week has gone pretty well...I found out that I got an "A" on both of my writing assignments for my religion class and I got an "A" and a "B" on my two quizzes for my psych class. I'm pretty proud of myself. And I'm staying caught up and am holding a "B", so far, in my math class. I had a quiz in my math and psych classes this week, I think I did okay on them...but we'll see when I get them back. There was stuff on the psych test that I couldn't remember but I'm confident I did we'll on it here's hoping. I figure as long as I go into my test with a positive attitude, I'll do we'll on the test, I just hope this concept works.

Week 1 Winter Quarter '13

First week of Winter Quarter went well, I found out on Wednesday that I passed my math class from last quarter. I'm just hoping I didn't take more than I can handle with my classes, but I'm sure I'll do fine...just as long as I can keep up with all of the reading for two of my classes. Yesterday my math professor - who knows I'm genetically female, because I had him last quarter - called me "sir" yesterday and when he corrected himself I told him that "sir" is fine. I got one of those o_O looks, where he clearly wasn't sure why I said that, I'm debating on explaining to him why. Though I'm unsure if I should or just leave it as it is. Eh. I also got called "sir" by my religion professor three times this week :) I'm not even going to correct him, I want to see how long he uses male pronouns when referring to me.
My transition, with the testosterone injections, is going well (I think). My having to shave a week and a half ago was interesting...but the hair is finally (slowly) growing back, and its darker than it was before :) I might have to shave again in a week or so, which will be cool. I'm just waiting to shave again, to see how long it takes to grow in somemore and how dark the hair is. I'm having to watch my temper quite a bit more lately...there are days that I take an alternate rout to class, so I can avoid too many people. I had one guy accidentally bump into me and I was ready to deck him, and then when I was at the student activity center (SAC) one guy changed the channel to basketball and I nearly hit him as well, I ended up having to leave. I don't like feeling this way. I still have just under 2 months before I see the shrink about my medication, though I may see my PCP about upping one of my medications. I know that the testosterone injections are part of the aggression/anger issues, but I was told that my medication may need to be adjusted because of it. Which, at this point, I'm fine with...
I have Bug this weekend, yay!!! Though I think she's pretty tired, because she's usually out of bed by now. Eh. I'm letting her sleep, she likely needs it. Though I feel bad, because I'm going to have to work on my homework while she's here...again. I'm going to have to, next month, try to get all of my homework done before she comes for her visit. Or atleast most of it.

Life is good.

God loves me for who I am and where I'm at in my journey...
and if other people don't, then oh well.

Awesomeness

The beginning of this week started off pretty stressful, not knowing if I was going to make financial clearence or not. I had to get my math grade up from last quarter from a "IF" (incomplete "F") to a "C"...which meant catching up on all of my homework assignments from last quarter, which I did over Christmas break, and my quizzes. Down fall...I got locked out of the system and couldn't do my quizzes online. I had to get in touch with my professor and get a printed copy of each of the missing quizzes. I finally got them yesterday, and sat down for almost 5 hours to get them all done (my brain felt like mush by the time I was done). After finishing them, I had to wait until today to find out if I scored high enough to get my grade up. I showed up to the class to talk to my professor to find out if I needed to re-do any of the quizzes...he got to the class and asked me if I'd received his email, when I told him "no" he then told me that I'd passed the class. I went directly from the class to student finance to get my financial clearance finalized. I've been on "Cloud 9" over that all day. To top that off...this week I've been called "sir" twice, so far, from my religion professor - which is AWESOME!!! It's made my day each time he's done that. I ran into one of the gals that I used to work for yesterday and she'd commented that my voice has gotten deeper since last time she saw me (which was a week or two before winter break)...even more awesomeness :)

Life Is Good!!!

Stress

Things have been like a roller coaster ride lately...I had Bug for a good portion of my winter break, which was nice. I just feel bad because part of that time, I just didn't want to deal with people and so we stayed home and didn't do anything. I'm having to readjust to being back on the testosterone, and I'm on a lower dosage as well....I'm sure it won't take much time to readjust, I'm just wondering what effect the lower dosage will have, if any. Last week I spent three days (totaling ten hours) with a math tutor, and then three hours today catching up on homework assignments and quizzes for my math class from last quarter. Originally I was being given until this coming Monday, I managed to get a few extra days because of the fact that my quizzes have to be proctored. I'm hopeful that I'm able to get my grade up to at least a "C" by getting all this stuff done...otherwise it'll be time wasted. I averaged about a 95% on all of my homework, and have been averaging (approximately) a 70% on my quizzes, but homework and quizzes only account for a cumulative 30% of my grade...I'm praying that my final turned out to be a higher score than my other tests. Math is definitely not my best subject. I'm told, however, that the one math course that I have to take for my major, I might do better in...I just have to make it through the last 1/2 of the one I'm working on. I'm debating on taking a quarter off from math, but at the same time I'm worried that if I do, I'll forget what I've been working on. If I take it, I'll have to wait another year before finishing my general psychology series. *sigh* this is frustrating. I'm trying to get my general studies classes knocked out, but at the same time I'm trying to get my classes for my major knocked out as well. Aaaaaggggghhhhhhh...... This quarter is going to drive me nuts...oh wait, too late. ;) lol

....anyways. My brother suggested, a few days ago, that I shave...which had that suggestion come out of anyone else, would have been embarrassing. Gotta' love his bluntness. Which I did end up shaving and now my upper-lip feels naked...it's weird. I hope that it grows back soon. I'm sure that when it does, it'll likely be darker :) - it just seems to be taking forever to grow back (btw, it's only been two days). My new year's resolution is to be who myself, regardless to what people around me (friends and family included) think...I've gotten so tired of "tap-dancing" around other people's comfort levels. I need to do what makes me happy, which is being myself. This is not going to be an easy resolution to keep, but with going one day at a time...I'll be able to fulfill it.


"Above all else; to thin own self be true..." ~William Shakespeare

Alone?

I know it's been a while since I've written anything...I know that its not due to nothing going on -- I think it's more due to too much going on. I've had Bug since Christmas Day :) and I've been working on some back math assignments, with the help of a tutor. One gal in student finance is helping me to get caught up, she doesn't want to see my college career here come to a screeching hault because of the fact that I'm struggling with one class. I don't know, maybe I wasn't cut out for this??? I'm just hopeful, school is the only thing I have right now. Life is full of difficult decisions, and right now the only choice I have is if I should stay in the stable environment I'm currently in or give up...and I can't see myself giving up. So, I've got to keep pushing on.
I head out to my doctor's office later this morning to get my testosterone shot...unfortunately, I'm going to have to take Ali with me. Thankfully, she doesn't like needles...so she won't even look when I'm getting my shot and she won't ask questions :) Love her to death, but I can't exactly tell her "don't tell dad..." it wouldn't be fair to her. I don't want to use her as a pawn, that's not what she is for...I feel bad enough because of her being stuck in the middle of all of this. I try to keep her time with me as enjoyable as possible...which most of the time I question how good of a job I'm doing. I'm not sure how good of a job I'm doing as a parent...was there something I could have done differently? Something I could have done to keep my family together??? It feels like I screwed everything up, as though I'm the one that tore everything apart.
As my brother would put it...maybe this is just the "borderline" in me talking....? I dunno. All I know right now...I don't want my daughter to go back with RJ. I'm actually thinking about not letting her go back with him...stupid idea. I could never do that...it wouldn't be fair to either of them. As much as he wants to make it difficult on me to be able to see her...I can't completely take her away from him like that.

I just can't stand being alone like this...

My brother

I found that as quirky as my brother and his family is...I love them all the same. Quirky is good :) most of the time (with the exception of doctor's appointments). But he is such an incredible person...
My computer crapped out, again...and he's fixing it for me, yet again. I do really need to replace that thing. He is the only person that really knows how to read my emotions, better than my ex ever could. I guess it's because in some ways, even though we're not blood related, we're alike (psychologically speaking). I'd gone over to his place last night to drop off my computer for him to fix for me and we got to talking, and at one point (I'm not entirely sure why) he'd asked me if I started cutting again...and I told him "no", which I hadn't (and still have not)...but the thing that makes it odd is the fact that it has been on my mind for about a week, and I've been doing really good at not cutting. This past week I've been going through this funk of depression that I just haven't been able to get past. I've done really good at not letting it get me completely down, to the point of locking myself in my apartment and staying in bed all day. I've actually been quite productive...I got my finals done this week (yay!), and I've gotten my apartment a little better organized (it's an on going process) and I'm caught up on my dishes, which really needed to be done. I've also been getting out and going for a short walk each day, just to get me out of the house. It does surprise me that he's able to read me, like an open book...like he knows what I'm feeling or thinking...or even if I have something on my mind that I'm not saying...it's weird. I guess it's a good thing??? I'm also able to talk to him about almost anything, which helps because I really don't have anyone that I'm that close to, that I can trust to talk about pretty much anything. I have developed some friendships since moving out here, but none that are as close as my brother and I are. I'm thankful to have him around, even though I know that in time he will likely move somewhere else.

Annoying

Well, my weekend went ok...was a bit mundane, but had the company of my brother's hamsters :) which was cute. They are very well trained to be held and petted.

The one, not so good, thing that happened...Jen decided that things aren't going to work out between us :( I guess it was bound to happen, considering our relationship was focused more around sex than anything else. She'd also made the decision that she's not going to be continuing at the Community College next quarter...*sigh* so I'm not sure if we're even going to keep in touch or not. At this point in time, I don't care. I've got worse things do deal with than being in a rebound relationship, again.
Besides that, I'm having to figure out how to get Bug from the half way point next week Tuesday...the friend that I normally get a ride from is out of town for the break, my license is suspended (so I can't rent a car), and I don't know many people who are still in town that have a vehicle. This is going to be an interesting week trying to figure a way to pick her up and bring her back for half of her holiday break. *sigh* I just want to be able to see her. I didn't get her for my weekend, because he wanted to be a jerk about me not being able to pick her up on that Friday...because of that he wasn't going to drop her off Saturday morning or change it to the following weekend. grrr...
Just with everything going on, I'm so frustrated and annoyed...

Frustrated

Well, today started off okay...then I went to my doctor's office for a follow up from starting the testosterone, only to find out that I have to get a pap-smear and blood work done (which will include a pregnancy test). I explained to my doctor that it is impossible for me to be pregnant - which he understands, but it's just procedure. I guess me getting to go on the testosterone was too good to be true. I'm hoping that this is just a minor roadblock that I will easily get past. I go in for my "female" appointment next Wednesday, so I won't be able to get my next shot until after that. This is annoying. Tuesdays were the one day that I was looking forward to...now, until then...*sigh* I don't know...

Other than that, I'm hopeful that my week goes better...