Life's a Puzzle

"Hello, I'm Danni, I'm a lesbian and a transsexual."

My life's journey has not been an easy one...but who ever said it was going to be easy. If things were meant to be easy, then we wouldn't learn from them. A new page in my life, my journey, has been turned...now I just have to work through it. Often times working through a part of life's journey is like doing a 1000+ piece puzzle, you have to do it one piece at a time and usually working around the edges first helps get to the center of the puzzle. First I have to work through the outside influences, problems, and internalize them so that they are my problems not everyone else's. Right now, I'm still working on part of the outside edges...though I've managed my way through parts of the edges and some bits of the center pieces, but I still have a while until the puzzle is complete. Though not having custody of my daughter is extremelly hard, I'd be a liar if I said otherwise, but it gives me time to work through this puzzle of self-discovery. I've been able to figure out bits and pieces of who I really am, but for now it's putting those pieces together and figuring out who I am as a whole. The hardest thing today, talking to my brother, was admitting outloud, part of, who I am and putting a personalization (saying my name) with it. I need to admit who I am, and not be ashamed of it. I CAN NOT be affraid or ashamed of who I am, if I continue to be I'll just be destroying myself. I need to be accepting of myself before I can expect people to accept me for who I am. I also need to stop living the way people think, say, or expect me to...I need to stop depending on what others say and start depending on just myself. I need to get out of the, "so what do you think if..." mentality, I have my own thoughts and opinions and need to start living by them. If I continue to depend on them, I won't be setting a very good example for Bug. I want her to know that its not a bad thing to be independant and live the way you think you should, not depending on other people's thoughts and opinions.

"Above all else: To thine own self be true."

Frustrated

Well, my mother asked me last night why I preferr wearing men's clothes vs women's, I ended up telling her that it's because I'm more comfortable in them. What I wanted to say was, "because I'm transsexual, plus it's the way I'm comfortable dressing." However, I can't seem to bring myself to tell her. I don't know if its because I'm scared of her reaction or me just trying to appease her by not saying anything. *sigh* I'm trying to live by, "Above all: to thine own self be true." -William Shakesphear But its really hard to live by when you're still not fully accepting of yourself. I still, at times, look at myself trying to figure out “why me?" I don't understand why I was born the way I was...no one else in my family, that I know of, is this physically and mentally screwed up.
Anyhow...I left this morning for my court date on tomorrow morning. I'm not looking foward to this. I get her back right now, towards the end of this month I won't know where we're going to live...unless I come up with $2000 towards my tuition. I don't get her back, I may loose my mind..yet I'll still loose my apartment. Either way you look at it, it's a loose, loose situation. There's no way of me coming up with that much money, especially not in two weeks...its just impossible. I asked my sister if I could borrow money from her, and she's unable to. I fear asking my mother and father, even though it would be to help out their only grandchild. This is just frustrating...when it rains, it freaking pours. At this rate, I'm going to have to go back home to my parent's house...which, honestly, is the last place I want to have to go. Unfortunately, it may be the only choice I have. Even then, I don't think I'd be able to do that...I don't think I'd be able to leave the state with her. So...that would mean RJ would get custody of her...then I'd hardly ever get to see her. I need to figure something out, and SOON. When I get her back, I don't want to loose her again.

Oi...Men!!!

Men, they have things so easy. They don't have to sit down to urinate, they don't have to shave their legs...hell, if they don't want to they don't have to shave their facial hair. Not to mention they have an easier time masturbating and having sex. Women...have to sit to urinate (which sucks when you're taking a bath, the seat ends up wet), they have to shave their legs (otherwise it's socially un acceptable), if they get even one black facial hair they have to pluck it (which isn't the most comfortable thing to have to do), masturbating and sex suck...you lie on your back and pray to have an orgasm (if not it just sucks). Maybe it's just the fact that I don't feel I was ment to be born a female, I'm physically female but mentally male (transsexual). I'm more comfortable wearing men's clothes, "acting" like one of the guys...its just the way I feel more like myself. I wear women's clothes and I'm so uncomfortable...I don't know how to explain it. I hate who I am, physically. It doesn't feel like who I should be. At times, it's confusing for me. There are times people refer to me as a female...then there are times people refer to me as a guy. I've found that either way I don't care, but I find...enjoyment...when people look at me as a guy. I don't correct them either way, because both are fitting to me.
I was reading over the divorce papers, and he's giving me the choice to change my name to whatever I want...I'm considering changing my first name to "Danni," seeing that, that's what I go by anyway. But then, I don't want to upset my parents...they both lay claim to picking out my first name. That and neither of them will call me by my preferred name. If I change it, I don't think they'd call me by my new legal name, regardless how I feel. I've already told my mother that I don't want to be called "Danielle" because that's not what I go by. I dunno'? I know that it's my decision in the end...but input from my friends, if they'd call me by "Danni" or not. I know that my brother and his family would, because that's what they already call me. *sigh*
Another issue I'm facing is deciding to, eventually, start taking testosteron supliments or not. I know that I'll never be able to afford the surgery, but the supliments would atleast give me some of the effects that I'm looking for...maybe I'm just going wacky?

Keep Pushing On

Well, this week has been an interesting one...I managed to sell the table, only to find out that it was worth way more than I sold it for. Oh well...I got it sold and that's what I'm most concerned about. I finally got into my storage unit, after 2 days of complaining about having a lock on it, only to find that whomever had lived in my apartment before me left a bunch of their junk in the storage unit. After it taking me two days to clear it all out, I ended up with some pretty cool stuff that I can use. I found some video games that I was able to sell (for way less than they were worth, but I needed the money) and between what I already had, selling the table, and the video games...I ended up with just enough to buy my train ticket for next week. Now all I have to do is come up with the money for Ali's train ticket and gas money for my brother that I'll be staying with while I'm out there. That's about another $75-$100. Oi! I've had two people, now, email me about the washer and dryer...yet neither want to email me back about when they want to come see them. This is frustrating. If I could just sell those two items...
I finally got to talk to Ali after ten days of not hearing from her...I miss her so much. It's getting hard to talk to her and not cry. I looked in my notebook, and so far I've literally only spoke with her for the equivilence of one week since she's been gone...and she's been gone for going on four weeks. By the time the court date comes up, it'll of been a month since I've seen her. This is...*sigh* pissing me off, and I hate being angry.
I tried to work on Ali's room, by myself earlier this week, and ended up getting upset and pissed...to the point of throwing things down the stairs. I ended up in complete tears, I was ready to hang myself...I couldn't take it anymore. Its still hard. I've been trying to stay in the "right frame of mind" but it's hard to do. I'm resisting cutting or any type of SI behavior. With always having that on the back of my mind and having to remember that even though the temptation is there, I can't act on it. The one thing that keeps me going is the fact that I love my daughter, and I know she loves me as well...I just have to remember that at the very least.

Miracle?

Well, I learned that I can't spend a lot of time at one time in Ali's room trying to get it packed. I tried to get the rest knocked out yesterday morning (by myself), so that I could get it cleaned and her bathroom cleaned...I had a complete breakdown. I, mentally, could not handle it. I was ready to give up on everything...after all this time of being able to push those feelings back. I can't handle them, and I need to keep myself in control...I can't let him win. I'm not sure where I'm going to get the money to catch the train for the court date, but I'm sure I'll, somehow, come up with it. I just hope that it's not last minute. I also have to make sure that I have the money to get Ali back here, just in case I do get her back...God I wish I could just come up with it by Thursday, so that I can get my ticket ordered. As much as I don't want to, I may have to go up to the church, yet again, to get their help. I don't want to have to ask them for financial help again, because I just got their help two weeks ago with my deposit on the apartment. *Sigh* I don't know what else to do. I've contemplated robbing a bank (just kidding). I can't ask my family. I've got about $75...which isn't even enough to get a one way ticket. Round trip is about $70. I need about another $100 plus money to give my brother for gas. So, about another $120...I'd have to sell the washer and dryer set and the table to get that much. Though I'd prefer to be able to sell the xbox...that would give me enough to pay for my ticket and put some money towards my tuition. If I sold all 3...that would be awesome!!! Doubtful, but awesome. I need prayer for a miracle of some sort.

Thinking

Its weird, when I sit down and talk to my brother...he pretty much always has my mind going, thinking about something. He, some how, always seems to be in a decent mood and is able to lift mine up just by being around him. Then there are the days that, only a few hours later, my mom calls and rips me apart. I just don't understand the woman. I try to "tip-toe" around her, so that I don't upset or offend her...yet there's nothing I can do about it. I swear the woman is bipolar. She's, right now, swinging from a high to a low...and I'm getting the brunt of it. Shit! Love her to death...thank God I'm as far away from her as I am. I don't have to deal with her mood swings constantly. She gets mean when she's in a low. Yiesh!!! I'm starting to wonder how I made it through my teen years with her. Could explain her kicking me out when I first "came out" to her and my step-dad. Love them to death. They wonder why I'm in counseling. Oi!
Now that I went on my little rant.
This time my brother got me thinking about porn...go freakin' figure. He'd asked me why I'm "turned off" by m/f porn...I told him that I don't know. Walking home, I think that I figured it out, the times that I did see m/f porn was when in h.s and it was really crappy amateur stuff. So, I'd only had a few experiences with it and since then all I've seen was f/f. Seeing that I have to use the school's wifi service, I can't exactly look much up. Even with it being my own personal computer, everything is freakin' blocked. This city has nothing...not even a REAL bookstore. A Barnes & Noble or Borders bookstore would be so awesome to see out here....but NOOOOO....of course not! There's no newsstand to buy magazines. It's like this podunk area doesn't know what the real world is. What I wouldn't give to be able to go to a real bookstore or newsstand, where I can actually get a magazine or have a decent choice of what I want to get. Not all this censored b.s.
Okay, so now that I've gone on two rants in a row...things are...well, going. It's been 3 weeks since I've seen Bug, and am hopeful to get to see or (preferably) get her back on the 6th. We'll see. I'm just hopeful to make it out there. I just need to find a bank to rob. Then I'll make it out there...j/k btw on robbing a bank, just frustrated right now. I'm just praying that something...a miracle happens, SOON.

Would I?

I've figured it out, with me living by myself and as quiet of an area I'm in...no one would miss me. It would likely take several days or weeks for anyone to notice me gone. I'm at the point of not caring anymore. I likely won't make it to Seattle/Tacoma area for the court hearing next week and RJ will end up with custody of Bug...it's just I don't have the money to go. The only way I'd have the money to go is if I use the money my mom sends me to keep my phone active and pay my power bill. Even then I'd be short around $40 and wouldn't have money to give my friend for gas, because he's going to be taking me to the court hearing and to the train station. It's frustrating...


Anyways, I doubt anyone would notice my absence or miss me...

Going Crazy

I feel like I'm going to go crazy....oh wait! that's right...too late :P Any whootin' how...I've got almost the entire first floor of the house moved over to the apartment, the stuff that isn't going into storage at least. I'm going to be going over to get the last few things that aren't going into storage later, and get some cleaning done, time pending that is. Tomorrow, I'm going to finish the first floor and try to brave it out and start on Bug's space (the 2nd floor) on my own. I'm not sure how far I'll get with that. I just want to leave it all the way she left it, so that it's the way "she wanted it," but I can't because I'm now in the apartment. I need to get the house finished up SOON. I only have until Friday to finish it up and turn my key in. I need to get the key back from RJ on the 6th, otherwise I get stuck with a $50 fee for them having to re-key the entire house...a fee I'd rather not get hit with. I thought that moving would make things easier, because then I'm not in the house...it hasn't helped one bit, its still too quiet. Today sucks. Perfect weather outside...not too hot or too cold, its perfect weather to go to the park. Something I would have done today if Bug were here. Now granted it wouldn't be the big park RJ would take her to, but we have a cute park close to the apartment that has an open field that we could try to fly her kite in, which I know she'd enjoy attempting...even if we didn't succeed. I'm praying that the judge rules in my favor and has RJ give custody of Bug back over to me. Normally I wouldn't say this, but he doesn't deserve to have custody of her right now. He's staying in a 3 bedroom house with 7 other people, making 9 people total. Then he took off with Bug while I was asleep, what's to say he won't take off again...this time to where I really couldn't find her. Not a risk I want to take. At least if I had custody of her, he'd know where we are. I'm enrolled for school here, so its not like I'm going to up and take off with her. My mom's is the last place I'd go, don't get me wrong...I love my mom, the woman drives me crazy. Why would I stay with someone that drives me nuts??? She constantly asks me why I'm in therapy...one day I'm going to flat out tell her, "partly because of YOU!" But for now, I keep the peace.
>
But in all seriousness...if I don't get Bug back, I don't know what I'll do. She's my world, my life, my baby girl...she's my inspiration to "keep going." Without her...I don't know. I think that RJ knows this...and if he does I pray he doesn't use it against me. He's already pulling the "mentally unstable" card...and past diagnosis that I was given, but what he doesn't know is that I have a letter from my therapist saying that I've been consistent with my weekly sessions and the axis 1 diagnosis that my current psychiatrist has given...which doesn't include what he's claiming. I've been trying to "play nice" this entire time, but apparently "playing nice" doesn't get me anywhere. I hate feeling like I have to be...mean? about this. I'm not sure what emotion to put with this, but that's the one that a lot of people have said I need to be.

I just pray that I come up with the money to get out there one way or another. I need to...somehow.

hate it

I'm hating all of this. I hate the lies that have been put out there. I hate the deception that has been going on since January. I hate that this is all my fault. If I don't come up with the money I need by the end of the week, I'm not going to be able to afford to catch a flight out to SeaTac airport for the first court date. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get to see my daughter soon. It's now been two weeks since I've seen her...the only time I've gone this long without seeing her is when she was at sleep-away camp. *sigh* I hate this feeling. She was my world...it feels like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on. I'm having to move into a smaller place because of all of this, which is a process in itself. Everyone keeps telling me to trust in God, he'll make it to where I come up with what I need...if that were the case, why did RJ take off with Bug without telling me how he felt??? The God I know....*sigh* whatever.

I've not a clue

I'm sitting here trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong? He's...the paperwork I just got delivered to me, it's not him. RJ taking off is not like him, he's not one to just runaway from a problem. He's not like that. Not the RJ I know... When you think you know someone, 11 years we've known eachother...you'd think that I'd know him. I guess I didn't.I don't know what forced him to write these lies about me. You think you know someone. He's trying to hold my mental health issues against me, saying that I'm "unpredictable." I won't lie, yes at one point I was...but that was when I was not on medication or not stable on my medication. I'm now in therapy, stable on my meds (which I have been for a few months now), and am predictable. He also claimed that we'd been "separated" since January...WTF?!?!? Hell, we were still having sex in January...where the hell is he coming up with we were separated (sleeping in different rooms) since January from...is he pulling this shit out of his ass?!?!? I know where he's getting most of these lies, from the bitch and her ex!!!! Fuck 'em!!! He wants the parenting plan he put together...he's going to fight me for it!!! The one I put together has it to where we get her for about the same amount of time. That way she gets to spend 1/2 the time with me 1/2 the time with him. I'm being MORE than generous with the parenting plan I came up with. I don't want this whole issue to drag out or hurt her. She deserves to get to see us for equal amounts of time. Not one majority of the time and the other 3-5 days out of the year...SUPERVISED!!! Screw that noise....AHHHHHHHHH......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn it! I hate feeling like this. I don't like getting angry. I hate it.