Frustrated

Well, today started off okay...then I went to my doctor's office for a follow up from starting the testosterone, only to find out that I have to get a pap-smear and blood work done (which will include a pregnancy test). I explained to my doctor that it is impossible for me to be pregnant - which he understands, but it's just procedure. I guess me getting to go on the testosterone was too good to be true. I'm hoping that this is just a minor roadblock that I will easily get past. I go in for my "female" appointment next Wednesday, so I won't be able to get my next shot until after that. This is annoying. Tuesdays were the one day that I was looking forward to...now, until then...*sigh* I don't know...

Other than that, I'm hopeful that my week goes better...

Puberty and finals

Well...the past few days have been interesting. I got stuck in Seattle for an extra day, which I wasn't counting on. My trip was pointless...my court date got moved back a day and then when I did get to court it turned out that RJ hadn't properly filed paperwork, court date was moved back and set at mid-August for finalization of this stupid divorce.

but anyhow...

he testosterone is starting to show it's effects...I'm now starting to realize what guys go through during puberty. The voice issue is humorous and frustrating at the same time. The other thing I'm discovering the concept of is what a "wet dream" is...that's an interesting issue to have to deal with. The one dream that I don't understand that I've had recently is this one where I'm a guy and I'm in bed having sex with another guy, I'm not even interested like that to guys...so it just doesn't make any sense to me as to why I would have a dream like that. I've also had the dreams/fantasies of being with a female, those make sense to me. This is about the oddest thing to me...yet enjoyable. I'm just glad to start being able to notice results, regardless of how odd or humorous they may be.

Finals are this week for most, but majority of mine got pushed back a week because of my court date. I'm praying that I do well on all of them, and that my math professor does gig me an "I" (incomplete) so that I have time to complete missing assignments and get my grade up. Here's hoping.

Annoyed

This SUCKS!!! I'm stuck in Seattle for another day. Went up to the courthouse this morning only to find out that my court date got pushed back a day...so now I have to wait until tomorrow morning to finalize this freaking divorce and fight to get Bug back. I was hoping to have this whole mess over and done with today. She has no clue that mom and dad are going to court, again...right now I think that may be a good thing, because I don't want to get her hopes up that she'll be able to go back home...she calls Walla Walla home. I want to tell her, but at the same time I know it's for the best that I don't...not yet.
Other than that...things have been going pretty good. I've learned, while here in the Seattle area, how much I appreciate the simplicity of living in Walla Walla. There's way fewer buses, and the drivers actually know their routs and most of the other routs. Out here, because of how many routs there are and how long their routs are...most of the drivers only know the main stops and don't know any of the other routs, it made taking the bus out here really interesting. I, kinda', know how to get to some places out here...and have resorted to asking other passengers (if I get lost) how to get to where I'm going. I've also discovered that I really don't miss having a mall close by. Yeah, it's nice to go to...but it's not really that big of a deal. I went to the mall out here (it was a smaller one) and wasn't really impressed. I got sushi from the Japanese restaurant inside the mall and was less than impressed...it made the sushi served in the caff look high quality. It's interesting how much, mentally, a person can change in just a year...which is about how long I've lived in Walla Walla. I've gotten used to living in a "small town" area...that the city doesn't impress me that much. It's nice to visit, but right now I couldn't see myself living out here. I used to imagine myself living in the city...now I don't know. I could work in a larger city, but not live there. *sigh* I miss my apartment.
This also sucks because I'm going to miss my therapist appointment tomorrow, I had to re-schedule my appointment with Pedrito, I'm supposed to turn a bunch of classwork in tomorrow, and I have a review for a final (the one I'm most concerned about) tomorrow...this is really messing things up for me. Oi! I was mentally prepared to be in court this morning...now I'm...I don't know how I'm going to handle going in court tomorrow. I just hope that I don't have to get up at 5a again tomorrow...we'll see...

Joy

Well, this week has been an interesting one...I went into the doctor's office to get my second shot of T, which I'm excited about :) I can't wait to start seeing/feeling the side effects from it. Other than that...I got called a "stupid fucking fag" this week, which irked me. I almost turned around and hit the guy, except he did it while walking by me...and this time I know I wasn't hearing things or anything like that, because I didn't have my headphones in my ears. I'm working on getting a sit down conversation with one of the professors here on campus to discus this issue...I shouldn't still be going through the verbal harassment that I am having to deal with, I'm also meeting up with the professor to discuss me going through my transition while here on campus and discussing the fact that at some point I'm no longer going to be comfortable using the women's restrooms here on campus and seeing what suggestions he may have and what exceptions will be able to be made for me...considering that I'm not only going to be taking T and going through the physical changes from that, but in about two years I'm hoping to have enough money saved up for my top surgery. I'm just at the point of "fuck cloud 9...I'm on cloud 13" I'm, for once, happy with myself...not that I have "perfect" days, I do still have my days that I'm in no mood to deal with people at all. I know that it has only been a week, but I'm glad to be able to be myself and (eventually) be able to have my physical body (somewhat) match my psychological self. I'm finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. I'm...just...wow!

I made another blog, to follow my journey of being on T and my eventuality of surgery. I'm doing it separate from this blog, purely so that I can just focus on every day things on this one...and my transitioning for the other blog. For my other blog go to: http://flight2freedom.blogspot.com/ "In My Footsteps" follows my journey through transitioning.

I LOVE being able to be me!!!

God loves me for who I am and where I'm at in my life.

Brave

This week has been...interesting. I've had Bug all week, which after not hardly having her for a quarter of the year, it's [unfortunately] weird to have her here for this long...I've gotten so used to my routine that it's weird being out of it. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death...just getting her back is going to be a huge adjustment for me. This week alone we lost half a day twice because if running around that I needed to get done. Things I was used to doing without having to worry about having her "in toe"...
I feel like I'm a failure as a parent. I had a date this week that, yeah, could have been canceled...but I chose to move it up one day so that I could keep it - I hear it now, my mother saying that I was being selfish by keeping the date, how I shouldn't even be dating...maybe she's right.

I'm just glad that I really don't have much contact with her anymore, it's probably for the best. I've learned to limit or cut contact with those who "drag me down"...mostly because I've come so far, emotionally, that I don't want to take a million steps back after all the progress I've made.

On a better note, I've taken another HUGE step on my journey...I started testosterone injections the day before yesterday. Yay!!!!! I'm going to start tracking my progress with the testosterone treatments. I'm debating on continuing using this blog for that or using a separate blog...if I use a separate one, it'll one that will only focus around that particular part of my journey - my journey to manhood. I was so ecstatic at the doctor's office...I couldn't sit down to wait to have my blood work done. My doctor's nurse seemed to find humor in my excitement, she asked me if I was a little eager, with a smile on her face. I was the happiest about not needing to go to an endocrinologist to get the testosterone shots, I actually have gotten used to seeing my PCP (even with having a male doctor) that I'm not sure how I would feel going to a different clinic and seeing a different doctor. I have a hard enough time seeing a different doctor at the clinic I'm currently at. I'm just SO happy that I got brave enough to actually ask about it.

other than that my week has gone quite well...even with the oddness of having Bug...though u found that she's not afraid to 100% speak her mind with people. I had an individual ask me, as we were waiting for the bus at Walmart, if I had just gotten off work...before I could say anything Bug voices up, "no this is how she normally dresses (in her "like duh!" tone)..." the poor guy didn't have a fighting chance, before he could comment, she continued, "....if she dressed any differently, I probably wouldn't recognize her." God bless my daughter...how I dress and act have become "normal" to her. It'll make my transition easy for her...it'll be "normal" to her. Now just figuring out what she should call me once the testosterone effects really start to show...I guess that's one thing I didn't think about. I'm just glad that I finally got brave enough to take this step.

:) Fun day :)

Well, short of the frustration of dealing with Sprint...my day went rather well. I had a, second, date :) Which went quite well, it was supposed to be JUST coffee...I wasn't counting on anything more than that. I had put money on my Starbucks card to make sure I was able to pay for her coffee...then she showed up and suggested we have coffee at her place where it's quieter...I was okay with that. We got to her place and sat down and started talking some and before long our lips were locked and I was removing her shirt. :) We ended up in her bed in each other's arms. I can definitely say it was the best sex I've had in over a year...even with not being able to cum. Any human knows the importance of sex is...and the major lack of sex drive is killing me. It's not to say that I didn't enjoy the sex today, but god I know it would have been way better if my sex drive wasn't completely messed up. Like any person I love sex and not just for the intention of procreation. People tend to get touchy on the subject of sex for non-procreation purposes. I've know people who think sex shouldn't be for pleasure, because "the Bible" says that sex should only be for procreation...then again most of them are either unmarried or clueless. I did end up telling Jen about Bug and it went, I think, better than expected...she and I are neither looking for anything long term...I'm hoping to hear from her soon, even if our relationship ends up being only a sexually based relationship, right now that would be fine with me, at least for the time being. I was, I'll admit, apprehensive about telling her about Bug...but even though she's not interested in having kids (right now) or a long term relationship, her response to Bug seemed to be good. I guess we'll see...

one week until my doctor appointment, I'm praying that goes well. I know that if I can get him to prescribe me the testosterone shots, I won't have to worry about the no sex drive. Here's hoping.....

Happy

It has been a crazy but fun past two days...yesterday we had to go to the store to get food (good concept) then Bug played Kinect Adventure, which is hilarious to watch...today we went to Petco to replace her gerbils that died, she got a hamster instead. I feel bad, tomorrow I have my niece watching her for a couple of hours so I can go on a date (meeting up for coffee), but it's the this week is the only time she has free until mid next week. I rather like her, but she doesn't know about Bug...I don't know how she'll take the idea of me having a kid. I've not gone out with anyone in a long time, this is date #2 and I'm debating on telling her...I know I should be honest with her, but I'm trying to figure out how to tell someone who may not want a kid. *sigh* All I know is I'm going to be me and hope for the best, I'm not expecting anything more than to just have a good time having a cup of coffee with her...anything more than that is well ;) "bonus" ;)

Telling my brother about my date was...interesting. I hadn't told him about the first one...hell I wasn't sure there was going to be a second one. I'm glad that there is a second one... :) Hopefully the weather is more cooperative tomorrow than it is today. Bug and I were going to go to the park today, but the weather says otherwise. Oi! Why does it seem that when she comes in to see me, the weather goes to crap??? I'm hopeful for a good day tomorrow. :)

Crazy

This week is going to be interesting...I have Bug for the week, and I'm finding that if I make smart ass remarks under my breath that she not only hears them (from across the room) but repeats them as well. She told my mom that her dad lives in "another state" and I mumbled "of mind" and that's what she told my mom...thankfully she found Bug's remark of great humor. But I do need to watch what I say.

anyhow...
I had some pretty weird dreams last night...you'd think I had gotten high or something. The first one - I had somehow managed to convince my doctor to proscribe me the testosterone shots that I REALLY want to start taking and miraculously the insurance covered them. Within a matter if weeks, I started getting the MUCH wanted results...and then se. I essentially didn't have to go through the full surgery. I was VERY happy. The second dream, was wild...I ha a dream that I took Bug to the pet store to get a new rodent, and they were all crazy Neon colours. That dream I can't even begin to explain. It was a crazy night with plenty more to come.

One day?

I hate this, I know who I should be...I
Just stuck in this body, right now I really can't do anything about it...there have been nights that I've fallen asleep in tears because of this. I hate it!!! My therapist told me that there is one doctor, locally, that I can see about going on testosterone. I know that my insurance won't cover it...but it's worth looking into the cost of it. I'm pretty sure that, in time, I may end up getting the surgery. That way my body matches who I'm supposed to be. I've been using the men's room I Walmart lately...no one knows any different, especially if I don't say anything, I just have to be careful here on campus. I've caught myself going into the men's room here on campus...I'd likely get kicked out for that one. *sigh* I wish I could 100% be myself, but on campus, I can't. Sucks!!! I can hear my brother making comments pertaining to Freud and "penis envy"...damn straight! If I had one, my life would be less complicated. I could go to the correct restroom, I could pass for who I'm meant to be, the idea of sex wouldn't be so complicated, more people I know would treat me like "one of the guys" without it being so awkward, (I think) it would be easier for people (ie; my brother and his family) to refer to me as "he", and others to view me as "he"...and many other reasons...I'm finally able to discover the real me, yet I STILL can't be myself. What's the point?? If I can't be myself...why try? I don't know??? Maybe it's just all of frustration coming out at one time. I just hope to one day, be able to be the true me.


Someday.

True Happiness

It's weird, the more I become comfortable with the real "me"...the less old habits and desires are appealing to me. It's like I'm a whole new "me". I'm happier with my appearance...I'm less stressed about if people are going to view me as a female (the way I was born) - now I worry about passing as a guy (who I am meant to be). I've changed the way I dress, look, behave, etc. I don't have nor plan on doing rainbow hair, I took my industrial piercing, and second hole earring out. My hair is a natural color, I have one earring per ear (sometimes only the one hoop in my left ear), I (try to) pull my voice deeper all the time, I'm actually not comfortable wearing anything more than boxers to bed...I think I would be able to cum easier if i had a penis at this point, which sucks! I'm looking into finding out how to get on testosterone. I think I may have to see a doctor in either tri-cities or Portland, right now I'm not 100% sure. I've also been thinking about taking my brother's suggestion and start shaving...one problem though, I don't know how. It's weird, I feel like I'm being given a second chance to find happiness in life...to find TRUE happiness. I'm just happy to be able to know that I'm not some "weirdo" because of not feeling comfortable in my own skin, feeling as though something just isn't right with who I am Most of all...I love being able to be the man, brother, uncle, friend, etc. I'm meant to be.