to live vs. to survive

i'm not sure how much longer i can survive living in this shell of a body...i hate feeling, living, being like this. i just want it all to end. i've sent thank you's to those that have been put in my life and have touched my life the most, so that they do know how much they mean to me. right now...i just don't know. i'm thankful that i'm the only one that even, remotely, looks at this blog not like my brother looks at it anymore, he's so busy with school that i doubt he even has time to look at this...which i'm glad (i guess). i love him to death...and i don't want to hurt him by my actions, but if i were to just disappear i doubt anyone would even notice right away. i'm not of any major importance to anyone...i just want it all to end. this may be my last entry...

who knows?

Just...here....

I think that I need to start writing more, again...my writing seems to be my only way of being able to get anything out.

I go to therapy to talk about how I'm "feeling," when I'm no good at talking about how I "feel" or what's on my mind/bothering me. I'm better at expressing myself through my drawing(s) and writing, not physical words. If I were to do that in therapy though, we wouldn't get very far each week. My first appointment with the shrink, he'd asked me a question and the best way I knew to answer him was to draw it out...by attempting to do so I got accused of being a smart alack...which wasn't my intention, I just didn't know any other way of answering his question. There are a lot of times that the only way I know to answer a question is by drawing out my answer in some form or fashion or another, or even write out my answer because it'll be something I can't physically say. I'm just not very good with words.

Lately, my emotions have been...confusing. I'll "feel" ok, but be extremely depressed. broke my finger early last week, and the pain from that was ok for a short time...then when I was serving dinner up this past weekend, I needed a shock back into reality...so I touched the back of the, still, hot stove burner...because RJ was in the kitchen, I pulled it off as an accident. The pain from that lasted a short while...I've been trying not to cut myself...I can't even succeed in that. I ended up cutting myself again. Burning myself with matches and lighters, the pain, didn't last long enough.


I hate myself.

eh...

Okay, so I've not been writing that much lately; I would make the excuse of not having the time, but that would be an incorrect excuse...as I do have the time. I definitely would like to (should probably) post more often, considering I've had a lot going on, life wise and emotionally. Life has been one hell of a roller coaster lately, we moved out of the apartment and into a house...which is a lot more space than we're used to. It took me several days, almost a week, before I could sleep in my room...even now it's still kind of weird. I had gotten so used to sleeping on the couch in the living room, that sleeping on a bed in my own room feels cramped. I set my bed near the window and I leave the bedroom door open so that I don't feel so confined...claustrophobic thing. I've been seeing the therapist I'm with for, I think, going on three months...I'm still having trouble trusting her. For me that's, a bit, weird; I'm usually able to trust female therapists easier and quicker than this one. I'm not sure if it's because I know that pretty much everything I say to her will go to my shrink or if it's because of how many therapists I've been through already. Heck, I don't even know what I'm "supposed" to talk about when I see her...every other therapist I've seen all I had to do is tell them, generally, what I've gone through, without much detail, and how I'm doing emotionally and we just talk about ways for me to work through everything...and I've usually been able to get through a session with just doing that. But now, to me, it seems like I'm supposed to talk about more than just "how I'm feeling." I don't know how to do that with someone I don't know. That and I'm tired of talking about my past, it hasn't helped thus far...why would it make any difference now? Not like anyone believes me. Everyone thinks I'm either making it up or having false memories. I'm just tired of being thought of as a liar. I've managed to, mostly, avoid cutting myself for a while. Though I've gone back to using lighters/matches to burn myself...I'm not sure what else to do in order to feel. I, still, think that just ending it all would be easier than living through this hell. I don't really have anyone to talk to...RJ doesn't talk to me much anymore, except casual talk or asking for my help with his homework. I should just go back to living the life I was, then things would be better for us. I know that deep down I would be happy, but I can deal with that on my own...I'd been doing it for almost 11 years before, with some encouragement, I decided to "come out." But even now, with being "out", I'm miserable. Either way I go, it's a loose-loose situation. The only solution I can think of is to end it all or go back to the way things were.

I hate the way I feel. I wish I could put it all into words, but there are no words to explain it. If I could come up with the words to describe the way I feel, it'd at least give me something to talk about in therapy. But there aren't, so I just have to deal with it on my own. I know that my brother tells me that he loves me and accepts me for who I am every time I see him, and I know that he means it...but it's hard for me to truly, deep down, believe it. I guess it's because I don't feel that way about myself. I've gotten to the point that I hate who I am. I don't want to be me anymore...RJ is afraid of Bug turning out to be like me, I keep having to remind him that I was born the way I am and if Bug "ends up like me" or not, then that's the way she was born. He keeps getting upset because she wants to wear "boys clothes." I explained to him today that though they may come out of the "boys" section, they are more gender neutral than anything. He's so stuck in his ways though, I'm not sure how much I got through to him. I've told him numerous times that the harder he is on her now, the more she's going to push back when she gets to be a teenager. I let her dress the way she's comfortable, I've been working on her to match her clothes a bit better. Though she does rather well matching my clothes...which I find humorous.

I just hope, though I'm optimistic, that things get better...in one form or fashion or another...I just hate feeling like this. I've felt like this for this long...not sure it'll get much better anytime soon.

Give Up???

It's been a while, again, since I've had the chance to write anything. Things have just been so chaotic lately...we finally moved into the house and got the apartment cleaned up, so that we don't get charged for any moving fees or anything like that. It's still weird living in the house, even though we've been in the house for almost a week. It took me four days to finally be able to sleep in my room; even so, I'm still having trouble sleeping in the room...it's odd. It's been so long since I've been in a room of my own. Being in this house has made me question if RJ and I should get a divorce or not. I'm starting to think that I should hide who I am and start being with RJ. I'm worried of Ali being confused when she gets older. I'm also worried about RJ, I care about him and I'm worried about him being hurt and I don't want him being alone and hurt. I know that I shouldn't do things for the concern or because of anyone else, that I should do what makes me happy. It's so hard to continue to do what makes me happy...I need to put Bug first, mot my self. I'm so confused about what I should do at this point....


Right now....my emotions are up and down, up and down...I can't seem to make heads or tails of how I'm feeling. I hate feeling like this. On top of that, I'm so tired all the time, I can't seem to stay coherent long enough to get things done that I know I need to. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm so alone. I can't focus of hardly anything for very long. There is so much I want to get done, but I can't seem to do any of it. I feel as though I have no one.


I did pass all of my finals last quarter. Which I was kind of happy about, I guess. I'm just glad that I did. I get to keep my job with the school newspaper. I kinda' like the job. It's a job. All the money I earn will go towards my school bill, just to try to keep it as low as I possibly can. I have a hard enough time being able to pay my student bill each quarter as it is. I haven't a clue how I'm going to pay my student bill come fall. I'm going to pay a bit at a time each month, so that come fall I'll hopefully be able to convince them to let me make payments on what's left. By the time my grants and loans hit, it'll zero out my account...it usually does. I'm just trying to get it to where my student bill each month is under $600-900...that's hard to come up with the money each month.


Things are just really confusing to me lately. I know that things will be hard before they get better...it's just really frustrating. there are times that I just want to give up. Lately they've been more often then not. I dare not tell my therapist, because then the "shrink" will find out...and having to talk about it when I see him next will just be frustrating. Because I'll have to explain why I'm feeling like that. With not knowing, it'll just make things worse. I dunno'...I've thought about if I give up and give in, then it'll just make things easire for RJ.Who knows???


Time will only tell....

...End of finals, moving, and crazieness....

Okay, so I passed all my finals and am still maintaining over a 3.0 gpa. The past month or so has been...frustrating. I'm having to deal with getting my medications re-adjusted and I'm trying to maintain my mood at the same time, so that I don't snap at RJ or Bug...on top of that, I gave my brother all of my "blades" in hopes that I don't SI anymore. It's not easy. It's actually been really hard. I can hear my brother now, "it's not going to be easy" and I know it's not. It's something I've done since I was around 12-13 y/o as a way to "cope" and now to just suddenly stop. grrr....

Anyhow, tonight is our last night in our apartment. Campus housing is moving us into a house. Over the past few days, since a lot of seniors are moving out...we've managed to get some furniture that we've needed for a while. Which is pretty cool. It'll help with making the house look a little less empty and some of the stuff will help with setting up mine and RJ's rooms. We'll finally get to sleep on beds, yeah corney sounding...but he's been sleeping on the floor and I've been sleeping on the couch. Us having our own rooms will make things a little less awkward. We got to go up to the house today to get an idea of the layout and so Bug could see her room...to word it better, her floor. She's getting pretty much the entire second floor of the house. She LOVES it. She gets a bedroom and a "play room" which will get changed up when she gets older. But for now, she's still my little girl that loves to play with Barbie, Littlest Pet Shop, and Legos...I'm going to let her be a kid and make her Play-Doh creations and let her imagination fly. This move is something that is MUCH needed. We've always lived in an apartment, which is often tight quarters. Now we'll have a house with a yard...and actual kitchen space. I've not had my own space for so many years, and now that I've been able to "come out" to RJ...there's a lot less stress between the two of us. We still have a great relationship, even though it's more like friends...we seem to get along better. Bug knows the difference between "mom and dad" and she's okay with it. To quote her (when asked what the difference between us is), "Dad's straight, he likes girls...and mom's gay, she likes girls too." I love my daughter. Even with her "issues" she's smart as can be, and thankfully we've always raised her to accept people as they are and not to judge people. We've raised her to live the way that God would want us to. We've always tried to live by what we say and not be hypocrites...our biggest thing that we live by is "Judge not less ye be judged..." and "Love thy neighbor as thy self." Which are not the easiest things to live by, but over time we've learned to live by it. We've been teaching our daughter to do the same. Which is pretty easy for her, especially with her being special needs...she sees how people tend to treat her, and through that she's learned that everyone should treat each other as equals. I think it's been easier for her to learn, being a child...then it's been for us. But, we're all learning together.

I had an appointment with the "shrink" and gave him a list of all the medications (that I could remember) that I've been on. I also told him that even though I may not like him or personally trust him as a person...I trust him as a doctor, because I know and trust that he knows better than I do what possible medications will work for me. I also told him that I'm trusting his opinion on what medications he prescribes me...because right now I'm probably not in the "right frame of mind" to make knowledgeable decisions on medication right now. Until my medication gets straightened out, I will let him know of any side effects I'm having, and that will be pretty much it. It's hard for me to put that much trust into one person, but it's something that I have to do, especially if I want to feel "normal" again. I know that when I was back in FL I was on a decent mix of medication, but I can't remember what that mix was...kinda' sucks right now. We're having to play hit and miss on figuring out what works and what doesn't. Not a lot of fun. He lowered the dose of one medication (which is for BiPolar) and a few days later start a new one for Anxiety, which unfortunately I had some funky side effects from, so I stopped taking it. I might try taking it again to see if I have the side effects again or if it was just a fluke from lowing the other medication. It worked a little, but I wasn't sure if it was worth the side effect. I see him again in two weeks, which is usually a bit stressful. It's hard to trust him because of everything I've gone through. I'm sure after seeing him for a while, it'll get easier...but for now it's...well...eh.

But, I should get off the computer and try to get some sleep, tomorrow's going to be a LONG day.



"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."

I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say!!
Which is always a hard one for me to remember.

Oi, Finals!

Okay, so today was the first day of finals...had a staff meeting last night from 9p-almost 11p. I'm SO tired. Then to top it off I had an appointment with my shrink. I made up a list off all the medications that I could remember that I've been on and gave him a copy of it. I also told him that from this point on I'm going to trust his judgement on my medication, I'll just tell him about any side effects that I may have. But I'm letting him make the calls, for the most part, on my medications. Right now I don't think that I could make any proper calls when it comes to my meds. I would probably disagree with everything at this point. The one weird side effect that I've been dealing with is, it feels like I have bugs crawling all over me...which is making me a bit paranoid, because I really don't like bugs. He lowered the one medication that I'm still on back down to the dose I was on when I first started seeing him to see if that is the cause. He also put me on an anti-anxiety med., which he doesn't want me to start for 3 days so that it gives me time to see if the other medication is the cause of the side effect that I'm dealing with. We'll see if any of this works. Other than that, I only had one exam today...which was turning in my take home final from one of my psych teachers. Tomorrow I have 2 finals, which I'm only worried about one of them. So, for the most part that will be an easy day. Then on Wednesday I only have one and then I am finished until fall quarter. Yay! I can't wait till Friday, I get to sleep in :) Bug's last day is Thursday and RJ's last day is Thursday as well...but he's taking classes during the summer. So, I will finally get some time with Bug. This quarter I've hardly gotten any time with her, which I feel really bad about. But she gets me for the entire summer, which will be fun. I'm just hoping that my other psych final (tomorrow) and my English final (Wednesday) go well...my other psych class I have to do good on my final to keep my GPA up. Right now I have an overall 3.5 GPA which I'd like to keep it around there if possible. Well, I need to take at least a quick nap before I get my papers that I have to write knocked out. Yay for summer :) !

Spring Finals

So, spring finals are next week...hoping to do well on my Psych and English finals, those are the only two left that I'm concerned about. I already know I'm going to fail my math class, that was made clear two or three weeks ago by my teacher...but he also mentioned that most of it has to do with medication issues, which I've been having quite a bit of this quarter. I'm hoping to get everything straightened out before fall quarter. The one class I'm 100% not worried about is my Psych 130 class, mostly because I have a "B+" in the class and once I turn in my 67 question (take home) final, my grade will likely go up to a low/mid "A" which will be cool. My English class I'm not too terribly worried about, the take home portion is easy for me...all I have to do is write a paragraph for one of the questions and a page and a half to two pages for the second question, simple for me. The one thing that's been passing me in that class this quarter is my writing, I've failed every quiz/test this quarter but I've nailed every writing assignment. Go figure? The one thing I'm good at is what passes me in my English class. I'm just hoping to be able to pull together this paper for my Psych class, the final is open book and she told me to write notes in my book. Anything that is written in my book I can use. I think the main reason she told me this and no one else is because I HAVE to make a good grade on my final to not fail the class. So, I'm gradually going through the study guide that she posted on D2L and the one from last year, that she gave me, and highlighting all of the answers to the questions :) chances are those will be close to the same answers that are on the final. I'm hoping to do well on her final. English I can, likely, fail the in class portion and still pass the class. Other than that, things have been going okay which is good. I'm going to be taking the summer off to spend some time with Bug and relax some as well, though RJ's taking classes through the summer. I hope that he does well on his finals as well, I'll be able to help him out more during the summer which will be good for him. He's been getting some help from me this quarter, but I've been having to focus a lot on completing my work because I had been having trouble being able to focus majority this quarter on my classes. Like I mentioned I'm hoping to get my medication fixed before the fall, but in order to do that I REALLY have to trust my doctor QUICK...otherwise my medication will never get fixed.

It's been a while....

Wow! I was just looking at the date stamp on the last post I did here and it's been a while...I've been so busy lately I haven't had a lot of time to slow down. I think yesterday (a bit of the day) and this morning, is (or is it are???) the first...oh crap I can't figure out how to word what I want to say. Which is actually sad, because I work for my school's newspaper. But there are times not everyone can figure out how to put what they want to say into words. But anyhow. I'm at least able to slow down for a little bit today (or at least until the library opens). I can't believe finals are in just two weeks. Oi! Where has the time gone??? I've been up here for about six months and it feels like WAY less than that. It's amazing how fast time flies by when life's got you so busy you can't really stop or slow down enough to really enjoy much of it. It's actually sad. We've been up here all this time and haven't left the area...we've not been able to really go out and do much of anything as a family. Heck we've only been able to go to the park a few times, because I get so swamped with one thing or another...it's still kinda' weird for me...being back in school. You'd figure by now I'd of adjusted to it...but of course not. Thankfully this quarter I finally got my adviser changed to someone in the Psych Dept that way I've got someone who actually knows what they're doing. When I switched...he actually asked me why I was taking the two Psych classes I am, being a freshman (especially being in only my second quarter). When I explained to him that my other adviser suggested them...the look on his face pretty much said it all. But, I'm (for the most part) working my butt off just to make sure that I pass both of them...I know already that I'm going to pass my English class, because I asked my teacher if I pass the "take home part" but "bomb" the in class part will I still pass? Apparently I have a high enough grade that it would land me with at the least part a low "B" or a high "C." Needless to say...this quarter for that class I pretty much failed every test, but nailed every writing assignment. Go figure?!?!? I can write, but can't remember squat when it comes to tests. I try to tell my teachers...have me write a paper on a person or subject pertaining to that class, vs memorizing stuff for a test and I'll nail the paper but I'm not good at memorizing stuff. I guess I've never been good at memorizing things that I didn't think that in the "long run" I would need to know. I guess it's just a weird habit I picked up in high school.


Anyhow, I'm just better at writing. It's always been my strong point...though I'm now learning a new form, one I haven't done in YEARS (and it's different than the way I was taught)...research papers. ICK! Thankfully; due to medication issues that I was having, before I chose to take myself off everything, my professor gave me a slight extension on my research paper...so it's actually a good thing because I've not been feeling good for the last few days. Now that I'm feeling a bit better, I get to spend my day at the library playing catchup on stuff for my finals...well, I guess at least I'm feeling well enough to do that and smart enough to know that if I start not feeling good to head back home. I just hope that I'm able to get most of the stuff done that I go there with the intention of doing done. I know what order I'm going to work on things, which is a plus...I guess that's a good place to start...and some of the work I know approximately how long it should take me. I think out of all the stuff I want to get done the only two things I might not (won't) completely finish is the stuff for my two psych classes. I'm going to try to get as much as I can done for both of them...but one of them is 67 questions from and obviously senile old man...though I do believe as crazy as he is, he's my favorite professor this quarter. I think that the priceless part is the fact that he's my also my adviser...hey what can I say? I get along better with people I find to be a little quirky...look at my "brother" :) He's a bit quirky and we get along. I am not afraid to say that I'm a bit on the weird side myself.


I know that being off of my medication things are going to get to be back on the rough side, thankfully I was able to explain it to RJ and Bug and they're already understanding and aware (again) of what to expect. Something I did think of though over the past, not quite even 24 hours, I'm going to have to learn to trust my psychiatrist really fast if I'm going to get put on the correct medication. It's something that I went through when I lived in FL. I had to put my trust in my psychiatrist, at the time, within 2-3 visits, because I had to trust that she knew what she was doing and that she wasn't going to "screw up" with medicating me. Now that I'm in college studying to be a psychologist I know that he knows what he's doing, now I just have to figure out how to trust him. I think that my biggest issue is the fact that my psychiatrist is male and that I've been hurt (physically) so many times by men. But, medication wise I have to trust him otherwise I won't get on the "correct" medication. Talking to my "brother" last night is what got me thinking. Love him so much and every time I talk to him, he manages to make me think about either what I did or something. Yesterday when I spoke with him, he mentioned the possibility of me getting "need" vs "want" mixed up when I chose to go off of all my medication, except one...the damnedest thing is...I think he might be right. At this point, there's no way to tell...I'll admit though, I have a tendency to not think things all the way through (I here it now my "brother" going, "DUH!"). I think I'm going to make that one of my goals from now on; slow down, stop, and think about what I'm doing before I do it (all else fails, ask someone more knowledgeable then me beforehand). At least until my medication is properly adjusted. That and no more taking myself off of medication before consulting my doctor or psychiatrist. Charcoal pills suck!!!

But anyways, I think I've covered most everything "important" that has happened since I last posted...key word "think"

"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say!!
(though I'm still working on believing either of these...it's worth trying)

Why Even?

I don't even know why I even show up to this stupid class...maybe it's just to get my name on the attendance the sheet, who knows. But it's not like the teacher pays a lick of attention to me. He quit paying attention to me when I started having medication issues mid-quarter...when it became apparent I wasn't going to pass the class. It was as though he just gave up on me. Now he just lets me sit in the back of the class and do whatever I want to do and doesn't even care. We have a test coming up next week, which I at least have to take, and he's yet to at least make an attempt to go over any of the information that's going to be on the test with me. I've quit doing any of the online information, because he won't explain any of it to me. I've sent so many emails on the same problem that I quit trying. I'm now stuck having to pay another $1,000 next quarter to take this class, yet again. Yeah, I know it's slightly medication related...but I've watched him spend extra time with one single student and ignore other students as well...so it's not just me. I know that he's just one teacher and most of this is online based but for crying out loud...don't spend all your time on just one student...if there's a few students that need extra help and they're in about the same section, group them together and explain it to them all at one time not just one person at a time...spending 20 minutes on one person (unless it's after class time). I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, because I've heard other students grumble about this after class. I know one student that is going to have to take this next quarter that made the same comment to egbert (we have the same adviser). Next quarter is going to be interesting...hopefully they've got my meds fixed.

....I don't understand....

I don't understand...he wants me to be happy. But, I think that it's just that he wants me to be happy with JUST him and no one else. I was suggested by someone, I don't remember who, to try a dating service...that way I could find someone to at least go out with and have fun with. Someone like myself, besides RJ. Because I'm ALWAYS stuck with him. Lately it feels like I have to ask him if I can go do anything. He's suffocating me. I'm getting tired of it. I don't know what to do. He bought me an I-Pod (he said to replace the one that I lost last quarter and because music helps me focus) and then yesterday he got me an i-tunes card so that I can down load music...it feels like he's trying to buy my happiness...just to keep me with him. I don't know what to think at this point. Then when I asked him about him about the dating service, just so I can find someone to hang out with...he about blew up and said "NO!" I don't get it...I have no friends here....I'm all alone. I guess that's the way he wants me to stay.